Sent

There were lots of tears today, and lots of blessing. We said goodbye, it was incredibly hard. Sitting here now and thinking, I'm not even sure how we had the strength to get through this day. We spent last night cuddling together in my bed, talking and hoping that if we never went to sleep today would never come. It seems surreal still, It probably will take awhile before I can even get used to the fact when I look out my window it won't be her that I see, or when the door opens its not her walking in. I have written much about these events, but that is because It's a huge part, one I can't complete articulate.

 These past couple weeks went by terribly fast and I feel like I still have so much to process. I wonder often how much more I can take, but then I remember its not about me and what I can take, but about what God has for me and my strength in him.  I went from so strong (or was I?) to so needy and weak. Having my person leave when I need her so much, seems so wrong and so hard.  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11


On the way home from the airport Heather and I in tears talked about this new chapter starting in our lives, this blank page. I feel a huge hole saying goodbye to my best friend, especially right now in my journey. Aside from cancer this all might look different, but I don't have that luxury anymore. Its part of me. I do know though, that God is good, and that this was always the way it was going to go, and that my faith is so small when I realize how big Gods love is. I will work on more of that.  Today starts another journey friends, one I'm afraid to walk, but fear is only seeing life without God in control. I know all will be ok. Thanks for walking along side of us in this life that seems too much. 

Blessings on this day:

1. A snow day?? Seriously. If you asked Tara or I what our dream day is, we might both possibly say a snow day, with all our kids home. Drinking coffee and hanging in pjs. They all spent the night last night and we woke up to school cancelled and a beautiful snow day. Thank you Jesus. 

2. Good friends were able, despite the snow, to get out and say goodbye to Tara. It was Chaos, but there was so much love in all the chaos. Thank you Jesus.

3. An angel of a friend that came over to be with our kids as we took Tara to the airport. She prayed with them while they were all in tears after we left. She loved on them and had them all making notes to mail to their best friends in AZ.  Thank you Jesus. 

4. For time together last night and this morning. In the craziness of today we were able to cry and be together with extra moments. Thank you Jesus. 

5. For Heather. Its like a whole book I could write, but just trust me when I say she is a gift to me too. She dropped into my life at the perfect time. We established what I would call a dream, having her and tara as my neighbors and best friends. But God knew all along that when Tara had to go, she would hold my hand out of the airport and tell me we are going to be able to do this together. Thank you Jesus. 

6. Not only today for for the last couple weeks of constantly being able to be together. Being able to talk through so much, try to process, pray, cry, and just be. Thank you Jesus, for these days I will NEVER forget and ALWAYS cherish. 

7. I received the news of my mole pathology. JUST A MOLE peeps, JUST A MOLE. Music to my ears. Good to have some good news. I just love them and even looked forward to talking to them. Life is SO weird when you look forward to talking to oncologists. but anyhow... Thank you Jesus. 

See sometimes we don't want to wake up, and sometimes we project things to be the worst possible, and we survive the impossible. Sometimes we think we are at our limit and can't go another hard day, but we gain enough strength to get us through. I am exhausted, this day was SO hard, and I haven't been without tears in days, but I know that through this transition it will all be ok. I can't see that now, but I know it. Like I've said before too, if I wouldn't have gained enough strength to wake up and face this day, I would have never experienced all the blessings in one of the hardest days I've done. 

Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing.(2 Corinthians 6:10)

A stoic person despises the shedding of tears, but a Christian is not forbidden to weep. Yet the soul may become silent from excessive grief, just as the quivering sheep may remain quiet beneath the scissors of the shearer. Or, when the heart is at the verge of breaking beneath the waves of a trial, the sufferer may seek relief by crying out with a loud voice. But there is something even better.

It is said that springs of sweet, fresh water pool up amid the saltiness of the oceans, that the fairest Alpine flowers bloom in the wildest and most rugged mountain passes, and that the most magnificent psalms arose from the most profound agonies of the soul.

May it continue to be! Therefore, amid a multitude of trials, souls who love God will discover reasons for boundless, leaping joy. Even though "deep calls to deep" (Ps 42:7), the clear cadence of the Lord's song will be heard. And during the most difficult hour that could ever enter a human life, it will be possible to bless the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Have you learned this lesson yet? Not simply to endure or to choose God's will but to rejoice in it "with an inexpressible and glorious joy" (1 Peter 1:8). from Tried by Fire
-Streams

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
"Oceans" Hillsong united

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Part of the letter I sent off with her. 

There was something about everything we had that was so much of a gift. I promise to never take for granted again the many ways in which God fills us with his blessings. Maybe even a year ago I didn't treasure everything I had as much as I realize I do now, and then in a blink of an eye all that you hold on to slips away. I know this is just a new chapter in our lives as sisters and best friends. No one will ever do life with me again the way you have....Im better at life because you taught me to be. I'm a better mom because you supported me in it. My faith has flourished because you always pointed me back to purpose. You held my hand and hugged me before I ever knew I needed it. You didn't leave my side as I started fighting cancer and you became my rock. You listen, you pray, you inspire, you encourage, you will always be that for me... Im going to forever take a piece of you with me wherever I go... the piece that always asks deeper questions, that always knows everything is going to be ok, the part that gives hugs when someone needs one, the part that reaches out to women to talk, that part of you relaxed enough to leave a load of laundry for later, the part of you that can leave little things unnoticed but always notices the big. You have changed me and blessed me, I'm going to keep these influences everyday in my heart. It was you that could make me a little better everyday. I will miss your beautiful face every single day, but look forward to many family trips to come.