A new schedule, new plan

I feel like I've been on vacation for the last week. It's been gorgeous out and we've had such a great time enjoying all things we love this time of the year. I didn't want to leave home today to come to UPENN and start back with reality. I was planting flowers and playing with my kids, mostly I didn't want to fit it into my day.  I didn't want to leave the fun to start my hard again. 

We went to the hospital today. I had my blood work, which is getting easier and easier. Kev even sat in the waiting room today. You know I am becoming a seasoned cancer patient when I don't need someone to hold my hand for blood work! All my levels look ok. After a week break from treatment it seems everything has stabilized so that's good news. 

I saw my doctor and we talked for a long time. We went over what life looks like and how we are doing. We talked about the summer days coming and how we are going to be able to manage it. We came up with a new plan to hopefully help my body better tolerate the chemo. For some reason I have still yet to have the regular effect of sylatron on my body. I am handling it so well, but have times of highs and lows. I have been getting to a point where my blood counts get low, I start feeling too exhausted, and we have to stop. I'm going to start tonight with 2 weeks on and 1 week off. This hopefully will prevent us from getting to point where we have to take a forced break but instead I am giving my body a break before its needed. I also graduated to visiting the hospital every 6 weeks instead of four. Every time I make these little strides I feel like I've graduated up to a new level of significance. So over all this plan is hopeful to me. When I went in there today I wanted to be done and I was feeling defeated, when she said this I was super excited. Yea I can do this, I think I can keep going. It was just what I needed, a little change of plan, something more manageable. Maybe this will be what gets us through the next few months. I've had such a managable time so far for the most part and that makes me realize that this is where God has me right now in my life. It's not what I want, it's not the life I want to do, but it's ok. 

After I left today I thought about how thankful I am for having my doctor. That she knew I was feeling defeated, she knew I wanted to be done. She had that change of plan for me before I even arrived there today. They had gone over it, talked about it, and considered me and my needs different than every other person and statistic....
You see it? when I'm worn and tired and want to give up God already has a plan too. He already is there before I decide to show up and ready for us and with the perfect plan. How do we do this hard, we just have to show up and be open to seeing all of his goodness and preparedness. I have to feel confident that he has already worked on all this and orchestrated why it's the best thing for me and no one else.It's always been my personality to do life a little better with a plan. This new schedule makes me feel a little bit better than the "lets just do what we can" method. Being able to have a little goal of feeling well for a couple weeks and then better for one is more manageable in my head then just hoping for the best. He's entrusted me with a little "graduating" I think. Allowing me a little more freedom in doing his work in this life, while still trusting him fully. 

We are all trekking along well on this long and seemingly bumpy path. I changed a few medicines which are helping me tremendously, so is the weather, and so is a week long break. The kids are hanging on, and still doing ok. My two oldest have so much on their plate. It's a load to carry probably to be a big kid in school, with homework and expectations, and have mom home not feeling great. I don't know what that feels like, many probably don't. "Just living normally with a house full of young children is difficult to navigate, but throw in disease, and it feels almost impossible." Kara Tippets. We are going on Month 8 here and that is a lot of time,  a really long time for a 6 and 8 year old. They need lots of attention and big love, and their actions are proving that. Nothing is going on that used to be going on in their lives and we are trying everyday to set up some sort of fun and normal for them. Kids seem to thrive with that, but when that doesn't exist for a season of your life they notice. I am still trying to perfect how to be the best mom, and still fight cancer. We talk how to love and discipline them the right way, how to set boundaries and how to spoil them with fun.  We try to include them on enough but not too much that it creates unneeded fear. We feel often like we are doing a lot wrong these days, but I pray for grace in the midst of this journey. My human self wants someone to tell me exactly how to do it right so I can just read the manual.  I am still trying to manage putting myself and my needs first right now above theirs because thats just not what moms do. I often ask God about his timing, and I know I will never have the answers or anything that makes perfect sense, but I pull in the driveway after these long days away spent at the hospital and I wonder why on earth is this me, with my four little babies, doing this life now. I know that there is no perfect timing for a thing like this though, and that there are blessings in this being it is the here and now for us. I tear up every time I come home and they all come running because I know that is a gift, something others would give anything for. The warm beautiful evenings upon us are so good for our family. I am ready for school to be done, this has been a long, hard year for the the girls and I think they are getting worn and tired. If its not me having a long week its Kev or the kids, theres many here that need stamina. 

So I took my shot and my body fights another week. This is way longer than I ever imagined I would be taking this treatment so I'm thankful for another week. I will sleep lots and try to imagine all my young mom friends who would give a lot for 20 hour of sleep. It's all in another perspective right? Thanks for praying everyone, needing and asking for prayer for 8 months is a long time too, and you have been faithful to us. It is the reason I am still doing this life, and that my husband and kids are still making it too. God shows up in every single day with special little blessings, he didn't forget today either. 

God Has Plans for You 

BY DARRELLCRESWELL on FEBRUARY 28, 2012 • ( 158 )

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

We all try to think ahead and make a road-map for our lives. I am here to tell you that God has declared in his word that He already has plans for your life.

Many times we find ourselves in barren fields of self-doubt, kicking the dust of misunderstanding etched in the ground of our lives’ tragedies and pain. I have been there myself many times in my life; it is a place all too familiar to me. Perhaps you know the place.

We have all had times where we thought we were in God’s will only to find things coming apart on the broken wings of good intentions. Many times in life our hopes are bashed, promises broken and our way seems lost. It is in realizing that we are but humble pilgrims lost without God’s direction that we can find our way.

As we journey through life, we will get beaten up- we will get hurt and bruised along the way. Scarred memories mark our journey like markers on a highway.  There are times of joy and bliss that we savor, but sometimes it seems that they get lost in our journey. People wonder what tomorrow will bring; a better life; a better situation; a more prosperous job; or a happy marriage. It is in God that we can find the hope for our future. If we put our hope in God, there will be no surprising ending in our lives.

Isaiah 55:12- So you’ll go out in joy, you’ll be led into a whole and complete life.

The mountains and hills will lead the parade, bursting with song.

All the trees of the forest will join the procession, exuberant with applause.

God knows what His will is for our lives, he has declared it, and it is set in stone. God says to you, “I know what I have the plans I have for you. Gods says, I have success for you, I will make a way for you, I have a job for you, I made you, I formed you, I breathed life into you and I redeemed you. I promise you that God has a plan for you. We have a hunger pang inside of us to have a happy life, and to find comfort and joy in our home and in our relationship. God has a plan to make that happen in our lives.

We have to keep our eyes on God and coordinate our spiritual vision with what God has placed in our hands and in our hearts. We have the infallible living Word of God, which is the anvil that has worn out all the hammers of all the lies of the enemy over the ages. We have the Holy Spirit living in us, strengthening us, bringing us comfort and hope. God’s plans for us are found in His Word.

Psalm 119:105-Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path.

We have His mighty Word with every promise, every instruction, every commandment, and stories of redemption that we can believe in and stand on. We have in the New Testament the words of our Savior and the message of the cross, by which the Apostle Paul instructs us that through the blood that redeemed us on that Cross, “We are more than conquerors”.

Romans 8:37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours, we are more than conquerors through Christ, who loved us.

We are more than conquerors-over sin, Satan, the world, heartaches, and trials. We can cheerfully face these things as we know God has a plan for our lives and He will perform it in Christ Jesus. Not only will we overcome, we will be there better for what we endure-we will glory in our journey with our Lord. It is His path we follow an as we walk with Him, our faith, and joy, will be increased by what we endure. We are conquerors, victorious by the blood of the Lamb, and the word of our testimony owing all to our Redeemer who has laid out His plan for our life.

We are more than Moses who spread the Red Sea; We are more than David who slew Goliath; We are more than Elijah who called fire down from heaven; We are more than Sampson who slew 10,000 men in battle. We are the offspring of the living God by Christ Jesus and what we hold in our hands is His Living Testament of that New Covenant written in His blood, of which we are partakers by His grace. “We are more than conquerors”.

God’s plans for our future are found in His Word. God’s promises by the power of the Blood infused with the Holy Spirit give us hope and a future for our life. Let God be God, and He will part the Red Sea in your life.  When Moses and Israel stepped out, God performed a miracle for them, and for the first time in history there were footprints seen at the bottom of the Red Sea.

Sometimes realizing God’s plan for hope and a new future will lead you where you have never been before. You will not be walking in someone else’s footprints; you will be making your own. You may be leaving footprints where they may have never been seen before in new path blazing through the obstacle that is in front of you, as God destroys the enemy that is behind you. So go ahead and move forward in life knowing confidently that God has it all planned out for you if you will but trust Him. Follow God’s plan for your life, and trust His unfailing, forgiving love. In His plan, every pain, hurt, wound, and disappointment that you have experienced will find peace. If you will but trust His plan for your life, you will find the sense of wholeness and completion that you long for.