Reflection: In just four short years

"Many people owe the grandeur of their lives to their tremendous difficulties." Charles H. Spurgeon

In just four short years I have:

Lived through a lot. Learned a lot. Seen a lot. Cried a lot. Listened a lot. Changed a lot. Laughed a lot. Read a lot. Sought a lot. Shared a lot. Hugged a lot. Loved a lot. Prayed a lot. Survived.

If you have been on this journey with me from the very start you have heard my inmost thoughts and walked the journey with my family and I. Today we celebrate life. That day, just four years ago, August 7th 2014 has forever changed who I am.

The moments of stillness and reflection in my life often take me to that mess and miracle that erupted that day four short years ago. Will I ever grow out of my shocking confession of how such a devastating life change could perhaps be just the thing I needed most? What was transpiring was what I thought to be a mistake, but was really an appointment. I hold back tears even now, trying to articulate the miracle that was beginning. My suffering wasn't going to be meaningless, instead for my good, and to bring God glory.

(Most memorable hug as a mommy ever. Last day of treatment.) 

(Weekly Chemo Shots for 9 months)

(Often received meds before my Chemo shots)

(Surgery Complete)

(My last day of treatment. June 9th 2015, my birthday.)

(Surgery to remove all the lymph nodes in my left groin)

(Sending Radiant Hope packages with friends)

(Sharing with our supporters what God has been doing through Radiant Hope. Who would have thought. )

There was something so unique happening that day, something that I could not see. A servant was being summoned, on a journey of deep faith and knowing God. What I was about to endure was a precise calling, preparing, refining, and sharpening. It was not the suffering I was going to have to overcome, but it was his ministry being born that was the miracle. A ministry to comfort others in the way he was covering and comforting me. This was his purpose for me. My calling. I had been prepared for this moment. It would be the abundant joy and strength God would provide through my hardship that would lay a foundation for healing, hope, and comfort. The revealing of this would come slowly over time. It would take about four years.

I was not a bit perfect, actually a mess, but this was completely planned and ordered for me. What was happening August 7th, 2014 had been in the plans since the beginning of time, and it had everything and nothing to do with me. Maybe that is why I am so astounded by the unraveling of my story,  each moment revealed continues to be always what I was meant for, and I have a timeline of stories to show for it.

The cancer fog is lifting more and more, although I often have conversations asking my closest companions why cancer still seems so close. It changes everything. That one day, just four years ago,  was a pinnacle shift in my faith journey and also started a framework for I was becoming through adversity. I am also running a ministry saturated in the effects and impact of what cancer brings and leaves. And lets just be real and say although 4 years seems like a lifetime, it's really only been four years, and with a stage 3 melanoma diagnosis you never feel the relief of knowing it is gone. Living with cancer weighed me down for 2 years and still effects my life. It brings fighting fear and frustration, facing appointments and anxiety.  BUT everyday it is a gift to be present here, to listen to, pray with, and encourage those impacted by cancer. I haven't ran from it, but instead toward it. Without my own walking through it I wouldn't not be the one to walk with others into it. I wake up wanting more of who God is in the new day he has given. I rise with a perspective change that has disciplined me, grounded me, and made me thankful in all things. God's protection over my emotional state and his constant providing strength and wisdom is the only thing that allows cancer to remain to close, but not overwhelm. It's his mercy and his grace, given freely and never deserved. Cancer changes your life, your emotions, your feelings, your body, your relationships, your family, and your trajectory. I would be amiss to say there are still days I fight emotions of anger because of some of the hard things we are still walking through because of cancer. God is bigger than cancer. And He's bigger than whatever hard thing you might walk into tomorrow.

"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees." Psalm 119

God can and will use everyone. Even those full of unbelief, yup.  I don't know what this coming year will hold for us, none of us do. What is promised is salvation for those who believe, eternal HOPE, and freedom in Christ when you allow walls to fall and look into the face of the one who promises to make all things new.

I have lived it.

He is doing something.

He is using the most unlikely servants

His purpose of Glory for himself

Take Moses.

He was chosen.

Before birth.

To lead Israel.

Every event in his life would be part of God's plan for all eternity. Perfectly ordained. Perfectly chosen. For goodness sakes he was given up by his own family to save his life, so that generations could be found. He was "set in the river a slave and brought out of the water a prince". And yet, do you realize that the man who was chosen to lead the people out of exile into the promised land never made it to the promised land himself?  He gave it all. Never saw the earthly benefits, but is resting in the presence of Jesus in the eternal promised land for forever. That is what we are fighting for. That is why we lay it all down. Every millisecond of your life is planned, purposed, perfect, and precise in the eyes of the creator. He didn't make you to waste you.

"None of us know how long we have or how many trials we will face. We do not know whether we will see victory on this earth or in eternity. You can can know a God who knows all of this, though. The God whose hand was on Moses' in the basket has his hand on you. Be still and let Him fight for you. Trust not in your circumstances, but in His power to overcome. He has not abandoned you." -Angie Smith, Mended

Four years ago I wondered then too, if perhaps God chose the wrong woman, the wrong mom of four babies, or the wrong family. He doesn't make mistakes. God allows certain things, yes he does. Deep suffering that some of his servants have survived have been their greatest ministry and their greatest testimony. Impossible circumstances make us realize our weakness, our human fading, and our great need for a God who saves. It's God's grace that pulls us through. I didn't get struck by lightning when God had his back turned. I've caught glimpses of God's purpose in my life these past four years, his kindness revealing to me more of who He in in our desperation. I also see way back past four years ago how God was pursing me, and making a way.  My testimony started 37 years ago, not four. Cancer is hard. It brings impossible and leaves unexplainable wreckage. It changes your physical body, your emotional self, your family, and your friendships. I have not arrived. I am, and have come to love the fact, that I am a never ending work in progress.

"I'm starting to see the connection, trying to piece this all together. It seems counter intuitive that the high points of my relationship with God would be connected to the low points in my circumstances. But the way of God are often not what I expect. Perhaps only when I am truly desperate can I hear the Lord's still, small voice. Perhaps suffering and sorrow are God's invitation to know him better. Perhaps, as Laura Story says, the "trials of this life-the rain, the storms, the hardest nights- are God's mercies in disguise. So yes, God is working in every corner of my messy life. No, God has not forgotten to be gracious. Through his footprints are unseen, they are unmistakable." -Vaneetha Rendall Risner

"It is no longer I that live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in Jesus, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

My trials, and your suffering, it's hard. BUT it pales in comparison to the glory that is coming. DO NOT LOSE HEART for we are being prepared for an eternal weight of glory beyond ALL comparison. God is doing something today. Trust. Wait. Have eyes to see. Walk in light of eternity with Hope. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

God's victories are all over my life. I want my life to magnify who he has been, is, and will be. His abundant faithfulness is my strength and my song. His healing power is far greater than most of you can see from my physical body. He is healing my heart more everyday.

Until then... On this four year anniversary of the day that changed everything, I proclaim his healing victory over my life. 

"I will not DIE but LIVE, and proclaim all that God has done!" Psalm 118. 

I trust a sovereign God that works using cancer, suffering, death, and hardship. Because there is a HOPE that is more radiant that anything our eyes have seen. In our weakness He is strong, and through our adversity He reigns. Join me. Start now. What are you waiting for? Today is the day he has made. 

"God Permits what he hates to accomplish what he loves." Joni Erickson Tada