Best birthday present ever... Or one day I will never never forget.

"To be blessed is to be deeply secure and content in me.. To know me, walk with me, and share life with me is the essence of blessing. You've discovered that my Word is true, my joy is your strength, my promises are your hope, my presence is your comfort"

Hearing Jesus Speak

Thankful. Overjoyed. Peaceful. Overwhelmed. Processing. Exhausted. So many emotions. I joked this week that for my birthday I might get to be done with treatment. When my appointment was changed to today a few weeks ago I just had this feeling there was more purpose in the timing. And here we are. It feels weird to write this post. Like I knew all along it was coming but I'm still not ready for it to be here. I was used to my life, in the most weird, clinging onto anything sort of way.  I've tried really hard the past 8 months, done well at times but also not so well several times. I've had too many warnings from my doctors that we would be quick to stop if anything looked out of place. I had a feeling seeing my doctor today would seal the deal on her wanting to continue my treatment. There are soo many things that can go wrong when your body starts to show signs of breaking down. My blood counts are low again and I feel it, I'm struggling to stay awake and I don't feel well. I'm at the hospital getting fluids on my birthday, It's time to hang it up. I gave it all I had. God protected me against major problems and side effects and has carried me under his wings more than I could have imagined. It has been a wild ride. 

I knew this time would come and I also realized I most likely wouldn't make it the goal which was a year. I actually endured way more than I ever imagined.  I thought and prayed back in December that this would never last so long as it did. My doctor assured me that we did so well and we hope that all of the fighting my body did with the aid of sylatron was effective against cancer cells in my body. There is still a lot of fighting to do in my life. I now just don't have the security of drugs but can put effort and energy into so many other ways to strengthen my immune system and be strong. I need to remind myself that there is so much quality in what treatment I did.   Also that my future does not at all depend on sylatron as my crutch. If cancer ever rears again it will be because that is what is in store for me, not because I had to stop treatment. I was reminded again today that my health outweighs the quality of this drug and I've accomplished way more than we imagined.

 This way of life has become my new normal in so many ways. Cancer treatment. Planning my weeks around it, planning my life around it. If you know me well you know that change is hard and so here we are again, as my mom reminded me, at the first day of the rest of my life. Things will change again and through all of this that is one thing I've learned, God is always working and we must be willing to life ever changing with his plans. Sylatron will remain in my system for months and I will start moving on slowly to doing life without it, and not depending on it. The comforts of seeing my doctor every couple weeks, and going back to being what God has made me to be; Wife, mom, friend seems unsettling because that's not what I've done for almost a year.  I will quickly ounce back I am sure, but will never forget my days as a full time cancer patient. I will start doing other things to help my body fight, like maintain high nutritional standards and keep up with monitoring. I will have the summer free from doctors appointments and blood work. In the middle of August I will see Dr.Schuchter for PET scans and CT scans. It was bittersweet I told my doc today. I would miss seeing her. I mean I still will just not monthly and there has been security and relationship in her  taking care of me so closely and carefully. I know nothing is set in stone and that we don't know what tomorrow will bring, but that is a little bit of what the next thing looks like for us. And I will wake up tomorrow facing another year, one single day at a time. 

The LORD will fight for you; 

you need only to be still.

Exodous 14:14

Pray with us friends as we transition again in life. We are so thankful for so much. We barely know what we are doing anymore besides trusting God knows what is best for us and has in mind the perfect timing for us, for everything. There are things and moments that have come about in these past several months that would have never been a part of our life without enduring cancer treatment, the hardship and weakness that is brought. Who will ever know God's plan and purpose, but for so many of these things, today I am so thankful. I don't even know where to go from here. I feel like the wide unknown is upon us. Way more trusting and putting our faith in all things Good he's done and doing. I am emotional tonight, maybe feeling like I failed or this didn't end how i pictured in my head, but I know its exactly how he wrote my story. I know that without treatment God will still use me tremendously and I pray that I will still be able to live my life at a slow enough pace that I can breathe in and see all his grace and goodness. I know we have many months ahead of my healing still and I need the grace and support to figure out what that looks like. I still have many appointments for my leg, dermatologist, therapist, nutrition, scans, etc. None of that is going away for a long time. The impacts of the vast changes and life interruptions are still very much fresh, but we feel very much relieved at this moment. 

You will show me the path of life;

In Your presence is fullness of joy;

At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalm 16:11

We have left every appointment playing this song as loud as we can and singing our praise and thanks to HIM. I have sang  this sobbing my eyes out, and today with a little smile of thanks on my face. 

Your love is devoted like a ring of solid gold 

Like a vow that is tested like a covenant of old 

Your love is enduring through the winter rain 

And beyond the horizon with mercy for today

Faithful You have been and faithful you will be

You pledge yourself to me and it’s why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips 

Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips

You Father the orphan

Your kindness makes us whole

You shoulder our weakness

And Your strength becomes our own

You’re making me like you

Clothing me in white

Bringing beauty from ashes

For You will have Your bride

Free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame

And known by her true name and it’s why I sing

You will be praised You will be praised

With angels and saints we sing worthy are You Lord 

You will be praised You will be praised

With angels and saints we sing worthy are You Lord

I will also say that tonight as I try and rejoice and celebrate, I still feel exhausted with effects from the medicine. Tears fall as I write this post, for many reasons and emotions. As much as I long to get better I'm afraid to wish away this feeling and with that knowing how so many of my people feel. I have a new compassion for the quality of health and not feeling well, for the way it breaks you down and in weakness you find strength through Christ. There are so many of my people that remain so near in my thoughts and my heart, it's actually hard to post that I'm done with this part of hard when some of my dearest are just beginning. You guys know who you are, families of dear friends lost and my people walking through tough days to come. I celebrate all that God has done in my life over the past 8 months and I pray along side of you as you fight through circumstances which you too thought would never encompass you. Push through. You don't know what blessings will be within tomorrow unless you live your hardest days. 

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Cor. 12:10