Hoping for HOPE

I realized it over Thanksgiving break. I have been suppressing emotions. That's how I think I've always coped, long before having the cancer life enter.  Dealing with things like a volcano, beware I may erupt at any moment and there is no telling what will put it spewing out all over the place. To give myself a break there has to be a way to cope because the alternative is that this life will be way too overwhelming. If someone told me the right way to deal, then maybe I would apply that. The best advice I've received is just to feel, and be honest with myself. I'm only doing ok with that. Besides the Bible I'll take anyone up on a manual for this life I live. (that's a joke)

My awesome, big hearted, visionary, always positive husband wanted to discuss the future. We are driving across the county to see my family and there is no better time than a 12 hour time slot. At least we can get a couple kids futures covered in that amount of time. He wants to know what our goals are as parents and for our kids, where we want to see them succeed and how to make things they strive to do a real possibility. He wanted to look ahead, into the great unknown and make plans. Heaven forbid. Tears start to well, my mind starts going, I lose control. See this is the exact thing I have to fight every.single.stinkin.day of my life. FEAR. WHAT IF. CHANGE. Looking ahead and planning far in the future looks too unknown. Doesn't it for all of us though?

Do not be afraid of the unknown when you know the One who does the impossible,

Do not be afraid of what could fail when His arms are stronger than any failure; He cannot fail or let you fall

And do not be afraid of any evil because greater is He who is in the depths of you and breathing the wild courage to love right into your bones.

Do not be afraid to see the face of God in the dark where you did not expect Him.

Do not ever be afraid of suffering because suffering can birth a greater resurrection.

Do not be afraid of laying your life down in a thousand ways because this is the only way to ever rise.

Ann Voscamp

Again I go back to Peter, he took his eyes off Jesus for 1 second and he sank. I realized I'm still there. If my thoughts wander, even for 1 sec, I sink. When I keep focused on the truth I can take strides forward, planning away and trusting with HOPE that no matter what lies in the future it is nothing to fear.

"And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased."Matthew 14:28

"Peter was willing to put it all on the line. He and the other disciples had been straining against the waves and wind all night long when Jesus appeared to them, walking on the water. Wanting to prove his courage to Jesus, he made an amazing statement: “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water” (Matthew 14:28). These were rough seas, and Peter was willing to literally step onto them because He was looking at Jesus. That gave him confidence and courage.

It went well for awhile until Peter started to sink. And why did he sink? Because he took his eyes off Jesus and put them on other things. The Bible tells us, “When he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid” (verse 30)."-Greg Laurie

And it's ugly. When it rains in pours. It's sobs, it's letting go of hope, and I can't go there.

Tears are never a sign of weakness. Tears are always the sign of an open heart.

Ann Voscamp

I realized at this moment, driving across Ohio or somewhere, that I'm still coping with this life. And how do I cope?... just doing one day at a time. The thought of the future still comes with some fear, too much unknown. I thought I was getting better, I am, it just doesn't go away. There is this new consistency I am learning, how to do life and manage with this big looming dark cloud hanging heavy. And the only way to see the sun peeking through is to trust God that everything is always going to be ok. When I see that reality over the pain and suffering of life here on this earth reality, then all is ok. 

Many people forget this truth and continually worry about difficulties they envision in the future. They expect God to open and clear many miles of road before them, but He promises to do it step by step, only as their need arises. You must be in the floodwaters before you can claim God's promise. -J.R.M. 

As we start into this new year, I've read so many resolutions, heard already too much about how everyone just wants to be "better" than the year before. There is so much already right in front of me happening now that just a year ago I wasn't sure I would ever do again. And with that, I say, Lord this must be where you want me, and if it's not your will, change it, change me. I am realizing that turning the pages on the last year, although absolutely a nightmare, is harder than I thought. My life forever looks different. Life here and now has changed every perspective and thought. Changed the way I look at those around me that I love, and mostly Changed the way I love my savior and long to be with him in eternity.

If there is one thing, one word, one theme I want to carry on with me from 2015 to 2016 it is HOPE. It used to get me out of bed, and now that tiny little word gets my mind on the right things every single day. I will live with Hope and expect God to use me, fill me, and ultimately for my life to be for his plan. I expect PET scans to remain NED and I expect days of unspeakable Joy. When I get back to that place, where again I can freely express that, the faith and trust takes over all FEAR and I'm right back to where I want to be... In his arms, full of HOPE.

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23

"But now we can wait with expectancy that God can do the impossible and that our subtle little move towards expectancy expands our heart. For and towards Him. We can practice with what is in front of us so that we can build a lifetime of expanding our heart in hope for Him, just Him. Him, forever.

Expectancy builds capacity for God.

Christmas show glitches and unpaid bills and empty bedrooms and staring at the dead-tree of winter while waiting for spring are all the practice runs. Practice runs are the times when we look at Him, with expectancy, and not at what we see. He shines, here. Radiates. And our insides expand a little wider. We grow in hope, the waiting kind of hope. "

                                                                 -Sara Hagerty

So.. Dear 2016, 

I welcome you, with wide open arms. I have no clue what you will bring, but because of who I trust I will not fear what lies ahead. I know that you will bring blessings, hard, learned wisdom, and grace. I am ready for you. I don't want to plan ahead or plan too much, in doing that I miss being available for God's everyday blessings and being able for him to use me the way he wants. As I walk through what this year has in store, I will do it holding God's hand, that's the only way. I have plans for you... big dreams and hopes, but when 2017 hits and I am sitting here looking back at you, I only want to say that His plans were always bigger and better than mine. 

Choose Joy, 

Joanna

"The land you are . . . to take possession of is a land of mountains and valleys that drinks rain from heaven. It is a land the LORD your God cares for; the eyes of the LORD your God are continually on it from the beginning of the year to its end. (Deuteronomy 11:11–12)

Today we stand at the threshold of the unknown. Before us lies a new year, and we are going forward to take possession of it. Who knows what we will find? What new experiences or changes will come our way? What new needs will arise? In spite of the uncertainty before us, we have a cheerful and comforting message from our heavenly Father:"The LORD your God cares for [it]; the eyes of the LORD . . . are continually on it from the beginning of the year to its end."

The Lord is to be our Source of supply. In Him are springs, fountains, and streams that will never be cut off or run dr3, 1o those who are anxious comes the gracious promise of our heavenly Father: If He is the Source of our mercies, mercy will never fail us. No heat or drought can dry the "river whose streams make glad the city of God" (Ps 46:4).

Yet the land we are to possess is a land of valleys and hills. It is not all flat or downhill. If life were always smooth and level, the boring sameness would weigh us down. We need the valleys and the hills. The hills collect the rain for hundreds of fruitful valleys. And so it is with us! It is the difficulty encountered on the hills that drives us to the throne of grace and brings the showers of blessing. Yes, it is the hills, the cold and seemingly barren hills of life that we question and complain about, that bring down the showers. How many people have perished in the wilderness valley, buried under its golden sand, who would have thrived in the hills? And how many would have been killed by the cold, destroyed or swept desolate of their fruitfulness by the wind, if not for the hills—stern, hard, rugged, and so steep to climb? God's hills are a gracious protection for His people against their foes!

We cannot see what loss, sorrow, and trials are accomplishing. We need only to trust. The Father comes near to take our hand and lead us on our way today. It will be a good and blessed New Year!" Streams in the Dessert