Another day the Lord has made

This week I had all my checks at Hershey. One of those days where you are reminded of a reality you some days like to ignore in your life. We all have those days. We all have those things.

Extraordinary things happen inside the doors of this place. People will loose their lives but lives are also being saved. It's a mixed blessing sorta place. 

I left my kiddos with a sitter and went off to spend the day at the cancer clinic seeing all my docs at Hershey. All is well. I don't know why I deserve good news when so many walking in those doors don't get it. I was there once. I know that shock and complete despair. I soak in the gift of good days right now, and my heart aches for the ones are not in the same place. There is this real thing called survivors guilt. I don't experience guilt but I do experience a broken heart for the hurting.

"Cancer survivorship can be accompanied by a unique set of emotions—joy, grief, fear, relief, deep gratitude, a heightened sense of purpose, and an overwhelming sense of responsibility to live life to the fullest.But there is another nagging feeling that can sneak into the mix: guilt. Survivorship is such a blessing, yet in spite of that blessing, we often find ourselves reflecting on those who have not been as fortunate.

Why me? The first question that many people ask in the face of a cancer diagnosis is Why me? This is a normal response to such an overwhelming diagnosis. Why did I get this disease? Why am I sick when others are not? Why do I have to endure this treatment? Though generally unanswerable, it is a completely reasonable question.

In the shift from diagnosis to treatment and on to recovery, the primary question changes. More often than not, most cancer patients move pretty quickly from Why me? to What’s next? What do I need to do to survive? How can I best care for myself during treatment? What will I do with my precious life after treatment?Here’s where it gets interesting: in the face of survivorship, many patients find themselves also circling back around to that first question as they move beyond diagnosis to treatment and recovery, only this time Why me? carries with it a twinge of guilt and sadness. Why did I survive when others did not? Why was I so lucky?

What is survivor guilt? Survivor guilt is common among survivors of traumatic events—such as war, natural disasters, accidents, and even acute or longterm illnesses such as cancer. Survivor guilt refers to the sense of guilt or responsibility that can occur when one person survives a traumatic event that others did not. And, yes, cancer can be a traumatic event."-  Laurie Wertich

There was much good news today. My melanoma specialist felt good after the skin check not removing any moles. We always make a list of things to watch. She was very serious to show concern for the amount of moles that I have and that she doesn't see anytime in the near future when I will move past seeing her every 3-6 months. I am ok with that too. There is this hyper vigilant life that I am ok living now. For another cancer that may appear on my skin would be caught early and not too concerning to us. 

My surgeon and her team were happy also. The only concern in my lymphedema. This is from the Mayo clinic a short description of what I have and will deal with for my life. A known and likely result of the surgery that I had to have, it's something that is annoying to me, but I kept saying today that I am alive so I can deal with some pain and some swelling. That annoyance is also a reminder of how good God is and how I can trust him with my everything. I just have to continue to be on top of it, because it can lead to major problems for me. So I will start therapy again for that. It's just another thing. It's nothing I am worried or concerned about. But many people wonder often how I am doing or what is new. There is always something it feels like. But I am blessed, and I am thankful. 

"Lymphedema refers to swelling that generally occurs in one of your arms or legs. Sometimes both arms or both legs swell. Lymphedema is most commonly caused by the removal of or damage to your lymph nodes as a part of cancer treatment. It results from a blockage in your lymphatic system, which is part of your immune system. The blockage prevents lymph fluid from draining well, and the fluid buildup leads to swelling.There's no cure for lymphedema. But it can be managed with early diagnosis and diligent care of your affected limb." -Mayo Clinic

I have started thyroid medicine because of the damage my body took from a long involved treatment. It is working and I am feeling much better. We are still watching my blood counts because they are slow to be coming up and that just puts my immune system at risk for infection. We will get labs monthly to watch that trend. 

Thank you for your diligent prayers for us. 

               Last week as the tulips and hyacinths were beginning to bloom around the house, this little guy was just coming out of the ground. Everyone of it's buddies seemed to be ahead and blooming beautiful doing just what they are supposed to do. I didn't notice all the other blooming bulbs as much as I noticed this little guy. You know why? Because it looked different. Who knows why it wasn't like all the rest, I don't know the whole story. I could tell by looking at it that it was going to make it regardless. It was coming out of a dark season underground but was going to become something beautiful all in God's perfect timing. Maybe it wasn't the first, but maybe it will still be blooming after all the other tulips loose their petals. In some ways I saw my self in this little guy and I cried. Real tears still come often. I thanked God for this little sign to me. Of how much he loves me and how no matter when or how we make it, we do. Stop trying to keep up with everyone and everything and do just the work we are supposed to do. I'm cheering this guy on, and so many others who are going to work hard to come out of a season of darkness and bloom into great light. 
The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad;
the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the crocus;
it shall blossom abundantly
and rejoice with joy and singing.
The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it,
the majesty of Carmel and Sharon.
They shall see the glory of the Lord,
the majesty of our God 
Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
“Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God
 will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you.”
Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap like a deer,
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
For waters break forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the desert;
the burning sand shall become a pool,
and the thirsty ground springs of water;
in the haunt of jackals, where they lie down,
the grass shall become reeds and rushes.
And a highway shall be there,
and it shall be called the Way of Holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it.
It shall belong to those who walk on the way;
even if they are fools, they shall not go astray. 
No lion shall be there,
 nor shall any ravenous beast come up on it;
they shall not be found there,
but the redeemed shall walk there.
And the ransomed of the Lord shall return
And come to Zion with singing

everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.
Isaiah 35

Again if i ever have a minute of doubt in my days and wonder why I have to do this life. I walk in the door to God just handing me right there another gift. You guys, months ago at the Hope lodge I met this beautiful women. Recently diagnosed and in for a long haul. There was just something about her, we connected. I loved her the moment I met her. We have kept in touch, I tell her I'm praying for her, she sends prayers my way too. Her beautiful caregiver has graciously let me into their journey and has kept me informed on the days they are living. So today I walk in the door to a check in, and who's right there? Yea you guys my girls standing right there, frail with her hat and her mask I barely recognized her, but I did, I could sense her beautiful positive spirit anywhere. I bet she's a blessing to many when she walks in those doors everyday.  We hugged the longest hug and tears of Joy just filled my heart. I said out loud my Jesus thank you for this best best gift today. She said to me, "well you are just the sunshine I needed on my cloudy day."

"Thanks be to God for his inexpressible Gift." 2 Cor 9:15

So he shows up and at the end of everyday I can be grateful no matter my circumstance. He is the same yesterday today and tomorrow and I can fully trust in that no matter my yesterday or tomorrow he is unchanging.

I will bless the Lord at all times;

his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

Psalm 34:1