Hard Pressed Between the two

I can't believe it's been a year since one of the hardest days I have lived.

Today, I am thankful for the lives of these three super special people in my life. I want to take their birth day to share with you the way God spoke to me that day one year ago today. I am not sure if it was audible, or how many times I have actually heard the voice of God speak, but there is no question he spoke to my heart this day. Clear, plain,  and as simple as ever before. My perspective once again forever changed to live for him here on earth.

Court and I had been friends for years. Ted, her husband, and my brother were best buds in college and we had spent hours together at the Brennen house for breaks and with their family and after lacrosse games. Ted was so much a reminder of my older bro to me. I coached Ted's sisters and adore their family. I have been extra close with Court since they moved back up to PA after the birth of their first. Her new baby and my second were born just weeks apart and there was an instant connection between two clueless mommas needing community and each other. Since then our friendship has grown, through adversity, others coming and going, and life hardships. Here we are today as close as ever, and more thankful for our friendship than any day before.

One year ago on this day before the sun rose, I got a call court was on her way to the hospital in an ambulance. She was supposed to have her twins by scheduled c section at 11 that day. Something was not right. I jumped in the car and sped, cursing in traffic, to get to her as soon as I could. If I had learned anything in my life the past two years, I knew you just show up, even if you have no idea what you are walking in to. My brother Ted was in the waiting room. We cried, hugged, and prayed begging God for a miracle, we prayed like never before...

She had suffered a massive heart attack requiring 7 stents to repair her heart, and they needed to emergency deliver the twins. What was ahead no one knew...

And here is how God used this day in her life to forever change mine....

You see for the couple years before I had gone through quite a season in life. I lived through pain, emotional and physical. I was having trouble balancing the weight of wanting to be here on earth yet being completely ready for heaven. I was desperately longing for the presence of Jesus and nothing more. I had removed myself more than I realized. I was holding so loose to the things here. I let go not even realizing it, I had separated myself from so much that didn't seem to have weight. I wanted only heaven because I lived a story where heaven seemed better. Jesus was better. Standing constant in surrender,  I had quit making plans, I was living for each moment. I had given up on goals and dreams and instead had an unrealistic view of what God wanted from me. Part of my soul had already left this world because of the glimpse of heaven I received through my cancer experience and the suffering that encompassed it. I wanted healing, wholeness, freedom, I wanted the promised land and Christ's forever presence and nothing else...

UNTIL April 26th 2017.


What I would witness in the hours ahead are a miracle to be told.
A showing up of God in his loving, kind, and all powerful sovereign ways.
Words cannot fully articulate. I will try to share as I am able, a small part of the details.

Family and close friends began to gather. I watched each of them enter, hug their loved ones, cry, and ask questions. I watched the deep love they all had for Court. We all cried and prayed. We sat in silence. The minutes felt like hours. Details were scarce. We were scared.

As the day started to unfold the situation went from shocking to impossible. She wasn't going to make it. The babies were born. And we sang praises to know they were here and ok. But Court was taking a turn for the worse. She had a massive heart attack and needed medicine to thin her blood, but went through a major surgery to deliver the babies, and her body and broken heart, was not able to handle the stress. We were moved to a private room, and on the way they took us to see Court. We surrounded her bedside and we ALL lost it. Heather held me as in shock I asked if she was alive, and she pointed out the monitors and that she was still here. Still no one was telling us details on her condition she was so unstable, in critical condition, and needing another surgery to save her life. We moved into a small private room where doctors and nurses could take care of the family and get them the information the rest of the day they would need. 

The rest is up and down. Procedure after procedure, another miracle working God behind the hands of a perfectly placed surgeon, blood transfusion after blood transfusion, from selfless life giving donors.... One thing after another... But all orchestrated by the hand of God... .

But what I also watched and heard was God speaking to me. He wanted me to see something through this. He was giving me a clear vision of what this family, and these friendships would look like if Court was going to be taken from us. This is when my world was rocked.

This time God was sparing a life and it wasn't mine. 

"For I fully expect and hope that I will never be ashamed, but that I will continue to be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past. And I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ, whether I live or die.  For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better.  I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me.  But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live.

 Knowing this, I am convinced that I will remain alive so I can continue to help all of you grow and experience the joy of your faith.  And when I come to you again, you will have even more reason to take pride in Christ Jesus because of what he is doing through me." 

"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell.  I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.  But to remain in the flesh is more necessary" Philippians 1

I wanted to depart.
He wants me here.
Not only here but fully present here. Loving well my kids, my husband, my friends, and my community. I saw what it would look like for everyone to not have Court. I saw the magnitude of what loss would be if I was not here and was in my true home. So, as much as I have longed for eternity, God used this day to show me where he wanted me. To show me that it matters to be present here in this life too. That people need me. That loss matters. His plan is perfect. His timing is perfect.

I have lived different since this day a year ago. I have accepted being here as a gift, and not wanting to be gone. I have studied, and prayed, asking God to continue to help me battle this inbetween and how to find contentment here as his servant. I tear up when I hear my dear friend share of God's faithfulness in her life, because that day changed mine too.

Forever challenged.
Forever changed.

God uses others to "stir one another up". Maybe your story is that you were strengthened in the dark, meeting with God. But maybe your story is of your faith strengthened through God's faithfulness to another person he has given you in your life.

Whatever you are waking up to today, God will sustain and use, even the impossible things... AND it's ok to be HARDPRESSED BETWEEN THE TWO. Ready to depart, but open to staying. It's ok to want heaven but to trust that God's timing for your life is perfect. It's ok to be scared, angry, and honest. This life pales in comparison to what is coming, but this life is where He can use you to share more of himself to those who do not know him yet. So your ransomed and hard life, your impossible day ahead, it's doing something. Doing something for you and for him. He is shaping you with your struggles and he's using it for others to see his faithfulness through it not your life absent from those struggles.

Live your life for him today, trust what he is doing is working for your good, it always is. He is good. If you haven't heard Courtney share... you need to!

Happy new life day Court. Your life has changed mine.

This song played on the radio the morning I sped to the hospital. It has become a theme song of this day. It returned on the radio time and time again every early morning I went to be with Court. Even the night a friend called me as I left the hospital and told me she was praying for perfect peace, I hung up and this song played.

Let the King of my heart

Be the mountain where I run

Let the King of my heart

Be the fire inside my veins

The echo of my days

Oh-ohh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the wind inside my sails

The anchor in the waves 

YOU ARE GOOD