World's Collide
Wife, mom, friend, coach, co business partner ... AND Cancer survivor. It's all good until the world's collide. I am still not sure how to do this.
If I'm honest with myself and everyone else, then my worlds are always colliding. I'm always thinking... about cancer, what my life looks like now and how to live it, how to do one day at a time, but how to hope for what tomorrow may be.
I was thinking it's like when you are pregnant, or you have a big test, or you are going on an amazing vacation.. YOU know that day. You prepare for that day, you think about that day. That coming day is always on your mind. You aren't overcome by it, but you can't avoid what's coming. I think my big appointment days are like that. For everyone else it doesn't matter, but for me... it's always on my mind. I'm preparing for it, I'm talking myself out of fear, and training my mind not to go where God isn't taking it. That date for me, I know too well. It's hanging there in front of me, my life can change or remain the same, all in a day.
"God uses suffering to purge sin from our lives, strengthen our commitment to him, force us to depend on his grace, bind us together with other believers, produce discernment, foster sensitivity, discipline our minds, impart wisdom, stretch our hope, cause us to know Christ better, make us long for truth, lead us to repentance of sin, teach us to give thanks in times of sorrow, increase our faith, and strengthen our character. And once he accomplishes such great things, often we can see that our suffering has been worth it." Randy Alcorn
I may never revisit cancer in my life. Statistics may tell everyone otherwise, I am not a statistic. And everyone else isn't the God of the universe that has already written my life course. Whatever moving forward looks like, it's still a daily battle for me. I am doing something everyday to fight cancer. I'm meeting with God moments upon moments. Asking him to settle my heart, telling him I surrender to his plan. Everything that I put in my mouth to nourish my body represents a fight inside of me, making my body strong. I used to run miles to depress stress endorphins, now I want to be strong and healthy, but not over do it. I take supplements and Injections of things that are boosting my immunity so that Melanoma has no chance. As a survivor you are always a fighter.
If you could hear the voices in my head. If you could hear the conversations between me and God every single day, you would understand worlds collide. I wonder often if this is normal or if I'm crazy.
Isn't that what this life is all about. All of what God has given us, colliding into this existence that he has written for us. Just me. This life I am living is just mine, and my purpose is for just him. As hard as the walk may be, as unique and different as it is for every one of us, the end purpose and goal is the same. How am I using this story he gave me to be open to what he wants from me? What did I do today? What did you worry about? When God comes back and takes this place by storm, the only thing that will matter is if any of those things in our life colliding had to do with him or us.
My big scans are coming and they mean a lot for me. I feel the anxiety rising. I see that date on the calendar. I see the appointment times. I start to plan for the needs of the kids on the days I will be away. I dread yet look forward to it all at the same. I know with good news, I can go on living. Then I stop and see all this overtaking other things ahead that bring me HOPE and JOY. I mean just alone how I have met and been surrounded by some of the most beautiful people in going to my appointments at a large cancer center. I think, there is a reason that this day is ahead of me, at this particular time. This is part of my story. Pray with me as this time approaches. Again we ask and plead for NED and more days to live and do God's work here on earth.
I don't know how to do this whole collision coming the best and the most safe way. I know it's coming. I don't want it to steal joy, to take away from the good I see ahead. I hate feeling overwhelmed and all the emotions that have come with the reality of this new life. So there is so much good, and so much hard, and how do you make the good and the hard, all into the best life to live because you are super thankful to be living it? After talking with a good friend again this week, I'm coming back to you for prayers. I'm still learning to be humble enough to trust that God still carries us in your prayers and I know that when I ask for them it means that I fully know he answers them.
“Prayer is the only entryway into genuine self-knowledge. It is also the main way we experience deep change—the reordering of our loves. Prayer is how God gives us so many of the unimaginable things he has for us. Indeed, prayer makes it safe for God to give us many of the things we most desire. It is the way we know God, the way we finally treat God as God. Prayer is simply the key to everything we need to do and be in life.” Tim Keller
Pray with us and for us as we get through this month ahead, all the appointments and scans. Pray for No Evidence of Cancer in my body. I trust God is steps ahead of my every step... and I'm following him.
"It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8
Lyrics:
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go
If I'm honest with myself and everyone else, then my worlds are always colliding. I'm always thinking... about cancer, what my life looks like now and how to live it, how to do one day at a time, but how to hope for what tomorrow may be.I was thinking it's like when you are pregnant, or you have a big test, or you are going on an amazing vacation.. YOU know that day. You prepare for that day, you think about that day. That coming day is always on your mind. You aren't overcome by it, but you can't avoid what's coming. I think my big appointment days are like that. For everyone else it doesn't matter, but for me... it's always on my mind. I'm preparing for it, I'm talking myself out of fear, and training my mind not to go where God isn't taking it. That date for me, I know too well. It's hanging there in front of me, my life can change or remain the same, all in a day.
"God uses suffering to purge sin from our lives, strengthen our commitment to him, force us to depend on his grace, bind us together with other believers, produce discernment, foster sensitivity, discipline our minds, impart wisdom, stretch our hope, cause us to know Christ better, make us long for truth, lead us to repentance of sin, teach us to give thanks in times of sorrow, increase our faith, and strengthen our character. And once he accomplishes such great things, often we can see that our suffering has been worth it." Randy Alcorn
I may never revisit cancer in my life. Statistics may tell everyone otherwise, I am not a statistic. And everyone else isn't the God of the universe that has already written my life course. Whatever moving forward looks like, it's still a daily battle for me. I am doing something everyday to fight cancer. I'm meeting with God moments upon moments. Asking him to settle my heart, telling him I surrender to his plan. Everything that I put in my mouth to nourish my body represents a fight inside of me, making my body strong. I used to run miles to depress stress endorphins, now I want to be strong and healthy, but not over do it. I take supplements and Injections of things that are boosting my immunity so that Melanoma has no chance. As a survivor you are always a fighter.
If you could hear the voices in my head. If you could hear the conversations between me and God every single day, you would understand worlds collide. I wonder often if this is normal or if I'm crazy.
Isn't that what this life is all about. All of what God has given us, colliding into this existence that he has written for us. Just me. This life I am living is just mine, and my purpose is for just him. As hard as the walk may be, as unique and different as it is for every one of us, the end purpose and goal is the same. How am I using this story he gave me to be open to what he wants from me? What did I do today? What did you worry about? When God comes back and takes this place by storm, the only thing that will matter is if any of those things in our life colliding had to do with him or us.
My big scans are coming and they mean a lot for me. I feel the anxiety rising. I see that date on the calendar. I see the appointment times. I start to plan for the needs of the kids on the days I will be away. I dread yet look forward to it all at the same. I know with good news, I can go on living. Then I stop and see all this overtaking other things ahead that bring me HOPE and JOY. I mean just alone how I have met and been surrounded by some of the most beautiful people in going to my appointments at a large cancer center. I think, there is a reason that this day is ahead of me, at this particular time. This is part of my story. Pray with me as this time approaches. Again we ask and plead for NED and more days to live and do God's work here on earth.
I don't know how to do this whole collision coming the best and the most safe way. I know it's coming. I don't want it to steal joy, to take away from the good I see ahead. I hate feeling overwhelmed and all the emotions that have come with the reality of this new life. So there is so much good, and so much hard, and how do you make the good and the hard, all into the best life to live because you are super thankful to be living it? After talking with a good friend again this week, I'm coming back to you for prayers. I'm still learning to be humble enough to trust that God still carries us in your prayers and I know that when I ask for them it means that I fully know he answers them.
“Prayer is the only entryway into genuine self-knowledge. It is also the main way we experience deep change—the reordering of our loves. Prayer is how God gives us so many of the unimaginable things he has for us. Indeed, prayer makes it safe for God to give us many of the things we most desire. It is the way we know God, the way we finally treat God as God. Prayer is simply the key to everything we need to do and be in life.” Tim Keller
Pray with us and for us as we get through this month ahead, all the appointments and scans. Pray for No Evidence of Cancer in my body. I trust God is steps ahead of my every step... and I'm following him.
"It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
“Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.”
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, …
The Lord is on my side; I will not fear.
He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 31:14-15
But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.”My times are in your hand;
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go
"The song connects to Philippians 4:6, which says when you're anxious about something, pray with thanksgiving. How do I do that? God showed me how to do it. I prayed, "God, thank You that You aren't anxious. I know I'm anxious, but just because I don't see where this is going, You do. I'm thankful that I can rest in what You know instead of what I know."
Every night when I tell this story at concerts, I have cancer survivors stand up, and they are applauded, and they look at me with a connection and fellowship of suffering. They understand what I share because they've been there. Sometimes I can't start singing the song. I see in the room, in their response, how God really is who He says He is." Mark Hall of Casting Crowns
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