Break week and a trip to the beach

At my initial diagnosis and in the midst of trying to understand how I would live on as a cancer survivor, I knew several things would change in my life. I have always loved the beach, the sun, the pool, bring on summer. But then melanoma seriously like you haven't ruined enough, please don't ruin my desire and love of the beach. So here we are about to voyage into my first summer with skin cancer. The mess of sunscreen and that whole debate, how to stay out of the sun yet combat my vitamin D deficiency, there is so much unknown. You should see the bags I've packed. What a difference a year makes. Hats, cover ups, pants, sunscreen, sunglasses, guess this is my new normal, one of them. I don't think I mind it nearly as much as I thought I would. Sitting on the beach covered up, in the wind, watching my babies play and run happy was simply better than I ever imagined it would be.

"Cancer, as heinous and evil as it was, had delivered an unexpected gift.

It taught us how to live. Not in regret over all the ways we wished we could go back and do over. Not in mourning the countless unfinished, undone places that yet remained. And not in fear of the unknown future we couldn't predict or control. 

Cancer-in both its presence and absence-had taught me the immeasurable value of today. Faith is not rooted in the past or the future. It's birthed in how we approach and handle today."

Undone by:Michele Cushatt

Last August I had a hard time wondering if I would want to visit the beach again, I joked frequently about taking our 10 year anniversary trip to Alaska with my Uggs. Here I was though looking at a weekend at the beach with my family and good friends, and I couldn't be more excited.  I was fearful a plan to visit the ocean and beach would just fill my brain with thoughts about Melanoma the whole time and be angry and emotional. I'm sure my "melahomies" totally get it. While we were there I actually didn't think much at all about my new reality. It was the most restful, peaceful, relaxing, escape for me and for all my people.  My first trip to the beach post melanoma diagnosis was better than I dreamed it would be...I did great, and enjoyed the ocean and seeing Gods beauty just like before, in my favorite place in the whole world. So much of Jesus' miracles and teaching was done among waters and so much of God's vast array and beauty can be displayed in mighty waters.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

We had the best 4 days in beautiful Cape May. We spent the weekend with an amazing family and the story of how our friendship came to be is another story of God showing up and showering us with his blessing. In what seems to be the hardest part of our life keeps being sweeter and sweeter.  I understand and don't all at the same time. When I want hard to go away I also see how beautiful his blessings and promises are. When we thought about going away a few months ago we never realized how it would fall upon another break week for me, and with that came a little more energy, feeling better, and being able to enjoy my family and be what I now explain as beyond Joyful. We get to these points, Kev and I, where we start to feel like an empty glass, and the last four days were God filling our glass overflowing full over and over again. Kinda just like Uncle Bills pancakes and lemonade, it just kept coming. Thats what my girls would say! I sat looking out over the vast ocean wide hearing this phrase from my song 

Crashes over me, crashes over me

For You are for us

You are not against us

Champion of Heaven

You made a way for all to enter in"

Bethel Music "Brave"

and thought maybe if I just sat in that chair or stayed at the beach and never left reality wouldn't start again... It was like the best dream. Guess I never really thought about how the crashing waves could be but Gods blessing instead of waves of hard. His love crashing over us, over and over again. What did I do to deserve so much? Besides a cancer diagnosis it's nothing I've done but a whole pile-on of God's pure grace. 

Here we are heading into another week where we know God will meet us. This week I will take my shot Wednesday night and do hard for a couple days. We will take this one week at a time and see how I feel and how my body starts to respond to the break and the restart. I have yet to have any problem with the restart which is uncommon and I'm hoping that with more frequent breaks that will not change. I will do treatment this week and next and then see my doctor again the week of the 9th for a birthday break. Again just because it falls perfectly like that. In other news I have stopped taking a few meds that I never thought I would let go of. Only a mere 8 months through surgeries and pain like I've never experienced. I am making strides even though most days I have to remind myself. Little victories are ones to be celebrated, they seem to be few and far between until I realize this has only been 8 months, even though seems like forever. Things will change along the course of life I'm sure of that, but I am able to function like I wasn't sure I could. I have an understanding for those of you who think you can't go on without the help thats getting you through. I still need much help and there is so much weight in the medical art of medicine and help, but I have learned there is even more weight in letting go and letting God do his work. Trusting in Him will get me much further than in and out of taking medicine to help with this day and the next. There is good balance between these both for me. 

Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!

    God, I’ll never comprehend them!

I couldn’t even begin to count them—

    any more than I could count the sand of the sea.

Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you! 

Psalm 139