The story I said I would never share....

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope 

without wavering, 

for he who promised is faithful."

Hebrews 10:23

HOPE: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

I swore to myself I would never share this story publicly, maybe because at the time it seemed a little too supernatural to me. The kind of moment where God literally shows up, sends one of his angels, and is right there. This has been a theme in my cancer journey so far. I hesitate to share some because it seems unbelievable and a little surreal, but then I take great pride in sharing because where HOPE is sought after it will be found. God made promises all throughout the bible so that HOPE can be real, instead of just what we want to grasp when we feel lost. It goes without saying for everyone even if it's just a little glimmer of sought after hope, it will be there when you open your eyes to see, but if you don't look around you perhaps might miss your chance to see God's promises through hope.

"Since we have such a hope, we are very bold,.." 2 Corinthians 3:12

Shortly after my major surgery I went to Joy's soccer practice. I had missed most of the fall activities for the kids. It wasn't ok, I was missing it because I was fighting cancer. It was the last practice of the season and was a family vs. team game. I was happy to be able to get out and watch. The little things, my how the little things have become such big beautiful things. I was fragile, weak, and emotional with my kids and doing life. None the less, Kev got me out, in my chair and I sat on the sidelines while everyone else played in the game. Well almost everyone else...

Earlier in the day I had read about and looked at some of the statistics of my stage cancer. I was trying to compose a blog entry to inform people, but in doing that I was forced to see reality and the scary beast that Melanoma can very likely be. I remember feeling a bit overwhelmed. What I did learn though was how common Melanoma can be, well more common than I thought. Since I had never really even heard of it before guess it was news to me.  I had never even met anyone in my life with Melanoma, but supposedly it was running rampant as one of the most frequently diagnosed cancers in women my age. Some crazy statistics made me feel like everyone I met could have a skin cancer story, yet I knew no one. That seemed isolating to me. Where were all my people?  I wrote my blog, sent my message, and went on my way to Joy’s practice. 

Sitting comfortable on the sidelines I felt sad, I wished I was out there. Would I be again? What happened to my life? What would come of all this? ... And then an older man came and sat on the sideline. A few chairs length between us, he sat. I "thought" in my head, he probably has melanoma. I wasn't in the mood to talk. He was. He was clearly older and wasn't going to be running after a bunch of 6 year olds on the soccer field, but he had no problem asking me why I wasn't. I told him I had recent surgery so I was just watching, again I wasn't in the mood to talk. That wasn't a good enough answer, he said he hoped I was ok, asked if I was doing alright. I then told him a little more, "well actually I have cancer, and just had surgery to remove it". He kept on going. "What kind? where?" I told him I had melanoma, he looked at me, turned his head toward the field and revealed to me his scar. From melanoma. From behind his ear at the top all the way down his neck toward the middle of his chest. And I thought my heart just stopped. Really God, like really? You did NOT just do this. Just when I am feeling hopeless, literally at that moment when I am feeling hopeless, you show up and send the most clear picture of hope. "I will take care of you" "What are you worried about" This older man told me his cancer journey. He was diagnosed with melanoma over 40 years ago, a stage 3 survivor. He lived in New Jersey, and he traveled to NYC to see one of the best docs they could find. He had it in his lymph nodes, and there was no treatment besides surgery. He's had follow up since, and told me some of what that looked like over time. He asked questions, again reassured me I was doing all the best things and was doing the right thing finding a specialist. He was relaxed and it was his life. He was just what I needed when I felt desperately lost and confused. I was still trying to fight the urge to feel as if I had just been given a death sentence and God knew how I would listen to him and feel his peace, so he sent that man to deliver a message of hope. I told him it was nice to meet him, nice, I probably really used that word too. He had no idea, never will.

I saw him today at Joy's Kindergarten picnic. I stopped him hugged him and told him how much he meant to me. I think he thought I was crazy. He for sure didn't remember me like I remembered him. I thanked him for the quality in sharing his story and how much I needed it right at the moment he decided to share. I told him I was in the place where I needed to hear of HOPE from someone who had survived. He smiled a bit as he walked away. I think I got my point across, mr. you showed up by the orchestrated hand of God and you had no idea you were even a part of it. Makes you think doesn't it? Who knows what is being planned all around your existence in everyday. This stranger to me, with a story of Hope and strength was placed in my life at a time, as a gift. 

When we left the soccer game that day I asked Kev if he saw the guy on the sideline. I did have a moment where I thought there was a good chance he wasn't real. Real or not, he was an angel to me.  Right when I needed it, God sent it. HOPE. This man, still alive, doing well. Watching his granddaughter play soccer. Melanoma was just part of his story. He wasn't defeated, told me to be strong and that was the most important thing I could do, be strong and have a positive attitude. He said after something like this in our life it sure takes the fear out of everything else. He encouraged me and told me how strong I am. God sent his love, his hope, and his encouragement, through a complete stranger. It baffled me for weeks, always will.  I only shared with a few of my people until now.

 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.  If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer.  Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort. 

2 Cor. 1:4-7

I decided this testimony of HOPE can't wait because maybe you are like me. Maybe you are weary and tired. Maybe you are scared without hope for the future. Maybe you know his plan is good, but you are covered in dense fog. Friends that was me, that is me. At my hardest and at my worst, God sends his overwhelming presence. He has for me the last 8 months and he will continue to. So before you throw up your arms and quit, sit and look around because he has his angles, doing his work. I realize more and more than this slowing down, turtle speed way of life, has caused me to see his goodness in so many ways and so many days. It would also be naive of me to say that I know he can still use me even in my weakness. I have to trust that getting up and doing my days, hard or not, that he has his hand in what comes my way. There may be someone who needs to hear your story, that stranger sitting right there sidelined.

"Hope is a golden cord connecting you to heaven. This cord helps you hold your head up high, even when multiple trials are buffeting you. I never leave your side, and I never let go of your hand. But without the cord of hope, your head may slump and your feet may shuffle as you journey uphill with Me. Hope lifts your perspective from your weary feet to the glorious view you can see from the high road. You are reminded that the road we’re traveling together is ultimately a highway to heaven. When you consider this radiant destination, the roughness or smoothness of the road ahead becomes much less significant. I am training you to hold in your heart a dual focus: My continual Presence and the hope of heaven." -Jesus Calling

We have this hope as a(n) (sure and steadfast) (ESV) anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19

Excerpt by John Piper:

If our future is not secured and satisfied by God then we are going to be excessively anxious. This results either in paralyzing fear or in self-managed, greedy control. We end up thinking about ourselves, our future, our problems and our potential, and that keeps us from loving.

In other words, hope is the birthplace of Christian self-sacrificing love. That's because we just let God take care of us and aren't preoccupied with having to work to take care of ourselves. We say, "Lord, I just want to be there for other people tomorrow, because you're going to be there for me." 

If we don't have the hope that Christ is for us then we will be engaged in self-preservation and self-enhancement. But if we let ourselves be taken care of by God for the future—whether five minutes or five centuries from now—then we can be free to love others. Then God's glory will shine more clearly, because that's how he becomes visible. 

When God satisfies us so deeply that we're free to love other people then he becomes more manifest. And that's what we want above all.

What's the difference between a Christian definition of hope and the way it is usually used?

The word "hope" in ordinary English vocabulary is generally distinguished from certainty. We would say, "I don't know what's going to happen, but I hope it happens."

When you read the word "hope" in the Bible (like in 1 Peter 1:13—"set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ"), hope is not wishful thinking. It's not "I don't know if it's going to happen, but I hope it happens." That's absolutely not what is meant by Christian hope. 

Christian hope is when God has promised that something is going to happen and you put your trust in that promise. Christian hope is a confidence that something will come to pass because God has promised it will come to pass.

How do we build our hope in God?

Hope is a portion or part of faith. Faith and hope, in my mind, are overlapping realities: hope is faith in the future tense. So most of faith is hope. 

The Bible says, "Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God" (Romans 10:17). This implies that hope, like faith, is also strengthened by the word of God. Hope comes from reading his precious and very great promises and looking to Christ who purchased them.

I would sum it up like this: The most important verse in the Bible for me, probably, is Romans 8:32:

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

Now that last part is hope producing! But it's grounded in the rock-solid statement that "God didn't spare his own son."

So the essence of what we look to in the Bible to build our hope is, What has Christ done for me in my sinful condition that enables me to know that I will not come in to judgment and condemnation and that all things are working together for my good? And the answer is that Christ died for me, rose again for me, and therefore all the promises of God are yes in him.

So let's look away from the circumstances that confront us, look to Christ, look to the promises, and hold fast to them. Hope comes from the promises of God rooted in the work of Christ.