Caregiver

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:34

Sleeping throughout the past year has been some adventure for me. I was usually the lightest sleeper, and always the first one up in the house being an early riser. My surgeries and then treatment have changed that. Even now, months since finishing treatment, I am so wiped and I sleep like newborn baby once my head hits the pillow.  Kevin was before the heavy sleeper, we have shared in this role, he has been a champion at the midnight wake up calls. 

I sit here on the couch reading while one at a time they come our of their caves and run to me with smiles and hugs. Is there anything in life better? Today is a new day, to rise and take care. To put my mom self on and be everything to everyones needs, to serve and to love, and to care... And I am motivated everyday by those that I have seen in my own life love so big and give so self sacrificially.

"Caregiving requires being able to love selflessly, not expecting anything to be given in return."

I've spent so much time thinking deeply about what it takes to be a caregiver. It’s a unique position that most the time, like the patient, you don't sign up for. I experienced through this journey for the first time needing to be deeply cared for, and have seen and watched the weight of that for my husband, our marriage, and our family. I’ve seen him do everything he can for me and others step in and try to help him.Being the caregiver is often overlooked, because so much concern and attention, to much need, is always the patient. How often a day does someone ask me how I am feeling or doing? VERY frequently. How often a day does someone ask Kevin how he is doing or feeling? hardly ever. 

After finishing treatment I have heard from so many about the struggles and the adjustment, but rarely is there a thought for the person who walked by your side for what was usually a long haul. Emotionally my sweet husband has the more of the weight of the world on his shoulders than me. If caregiving for me ever ended and I went to be with my Jesus, he would be left to give care for out littles and continue what he has been so flawless in doing. Often the caregivers vision of the future looks different than the patient too. I would be perfect and in the arms of my savior, His life would look so completely different. 

This isn't just a thought I’ve had for cancer patients like myself. I think of all kinds of suffering that people go though, and the way it weighs heavily on those in their support system taking care of them.

Being a patient is hard work and I am not going to belittle that. We are struggling, we need care. We need someone to walk along side of us, organize our medicines, hold back our hair when we are vomiting, and grasp our hand as we experience pain. But WHO is holding the caregivers hand?

Going through close to 10 months of diagnosis, surgeries, hospitalizations, and treatment, is a trying ordeal. It’s a daily battle to fight and be strong. My caregiver walked along side of me, while also working full time, helping at home, taking care of 4 littles, and pushing through every day with adrenaline. Stepping into his position as a caregiver not because he had chosen to do this, but because this is what life handed us, him. When a soldier steps into battle, they put on their armor and fight the fight, and endure what comes no matter what it may entail. You go forward because you have to, because you care too deeply, and it's your job. It’s not until months or years later, once life changes and you must find a new normal too, that you feel the post trauma stress. You may not have even had time to take a breath until now, and when you do, you too experience a flood of emotions. When you're in it, your’re in it. Then when things change, so does life, and we don't even know how to handle it the right way. The caregiver goes back to their before days, and the patient deals with what life looks like new. Expectations of each other are hard to communicate. And emotions and feelings are all over the place. Cancer or whatever life hands us, this is all the same. 

If you are like my baby sister, she choose to be a selfless, patient, blessing and love giving, caregiver. She took a dear woman home from a nursing home, and loved on her like she had never been. She was her caregiver. and unfortunately often times for the caregiver, the one they are loving on, and looking after night and day, passes on into the next life. And then what? We mourn over the lost, and serve those they left behind. This part looks better for us, God has sustained and healed me for now, and we pray for forever. We are grateful, but we are also not naieve to what others are going through, and the way the story ends different for some. My heart breaks for you caregivers. 

Kevin is in this situation right now. I will get better, get stronger. I will need his servant care less, and he will be expected to go back to doing life however we did before, but not how we did before because we are forever changed. Some of the strongest people I know have been caregivers in the hardest days for someone they care deeply for. Including my mother who nursed and loved on my own Daddy in his walk with cancer.

I just can't stop thinking about what is takes to be that person. I think that the caregiver is often stronger than the patient. The patient after all has drugs, gets to rest, and is taken care of by countless people, notes, doctors, etc. The caregiver takes the back seat, emotionally handles everything behind shut doors, and is expected to stay strong so that we can be the weak. Why do we forget them? Kev, you are stronger than anyone I know. What you did sacrificially for me by watching the one you love hurt, pick up all the slack in every empty place, and set about on a journey you never would have chosen, not having had any training or practice in it. That is often the case for those who wake up to love and support those of us who have woken up to a life changing, dependance based season.

The challenges of caregiving may include:

• Physical and emotional stress

• Less time for personal and family life

• The need to balance job and caregiving responsibilities

• Financial stress

• Lack of privacy

• Feelings of isolation and loneliness

 It is also helpful to focus on the fulfilling aspects of caregiving:

• Caregiving shows the person who is ill that you commit to   providing as much help and support as you can.

• Caregiving makes a difference to the quality of life and well-being of the person who is ill.

• Caregiving gives you a unique opportunity to develop or renew a relationship with the person who is ill.

• Caregiving helps set a tone of respect and caring for other family members, regardless of their situations.

"Concentration camp survivor Victor Frankl said, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." You may not be able to change the chronic, life-altering aspects of your loved one's physical or mental struggle, but you can be sure that God is intent on transforming you more fully into the character of Christ in the midst of your caregiving. Plow your own heart by evaluating how your own desires, demands, fears, insecurities, wants, and expectations are impacting your ability to give care. Look back on the section about your temptations. Ask God to show you where you are struggling. Where do your "if onlys" lead? Asking these questions will reveal what you treasure the most and what can supplant your submission to God's wise design for your life." Michael R. Emlet in Help for the Caregiver 

And just like that I am able to take care of myself and life slips back on track. Things will be more in my control and less in the total control of Kevin and those surrounding me. They also feel a shift change. They also feel scared for the future. There is so much still needed in the way of a caregiver. As we transition out of needed full time care, there is emotional stability to be gained for both of us. Facing the reality of no longer the security in medicine but them also facing the possibilities and reality of cancer as part of our lives. Fighting every day to not let the “what-ifs” ever back into our lives. 

At one time or another we all will probably step into this role. This place where we are giving up everything to serve and be there for someone. It often happens in a moment when we may least expect it. A selfless, giving all, love. A caregiver sacrifices so much, their life, and everything they knew, to fight hard to with everything they have. There is so much relief for the patient ringing that bell and walking out of treatment but sometimes for the caregiver the emotions pile on in so many different ways. This whole link is for the caregiver. For thier needs and for their support. It was so good. Pass it on to your person, or your people, if you are blessed to have them. If you need these people and don't feel connected, email me. There are support groups and all kinds of support systems for us too. 

http://www.cancer.gov/publications/patient-education/when-someone-you-love-is-treated.pdf

Not a Prison, but a Privilege
Pray to have a servant’s heart. (Ephesians 6:7) 
Realize that God has chosen you for a special assignment. (Romans 8:28)
Identify attitudes that may be blocking your ability to respond to God. (Psalm 51:10)
Value this opportunity, for it is only temporary. (1 Peter 1:6)
Invest your life in the life of another. (Galatians 6:2) 
Learn to live one day at a time. (Psalm 118:24)
Exchange your weakness for Christ’s strength. (Philippians 4:13)
Give up expectations. (Proverbs 12:25) 
Experience a deeper intimacy with God. (Psalm 139:7–10)
Taken from Hope From the Heart 

This post is dedicated to the best of the best and the many amazing caregivers out there. I know there are WAY more than my list…

My own: Kev, My kids, Mom and dad, Shirley, Lizz, Tara, and Heather. 

…and to the so many that are some of the strongest and selfless of giving care that I have ever seen. Chosen by our God, and out of love, YOU are inspiring to me: Some of you have lost the most important person you had on this earth and my heart is still broken for you. In your selflessness you left an impact on SO many. Including me. 

Jason Tippets

Jim Makowski

Jimmy Page

Dee Wilkinson

Brad Range

Dan Wheeler

Carolyn Dando

Lesley Wilkinson

Carol Sawyer

Dottie Wickliffe

Jim Saiki

Rob Hacker

Patience Leino

Sandy Taylor

Steve Fisk

Debbie Kupfer

Mike Passmore

Aven Shupe

Gretchen Nesbit

Becky Musser

Julie Bunch

All the men taking care of my "melahomies"

"Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing."

1 Thessalonians 5:11