Momiversary

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17

9 Years! On this day 9 years ago I received a gift I was never ready for. I never knew how it would change me, change my heart, and open my world to a love never ending. An always forgiving, Grace everyday, filled love. I received this gift in a little girl, that has changed my world. 

No one ever knows what life looks like as a mom until it happens to you. You don't know how to do it right or what it will ever look like. It actually becomes a daily priority, I never realized how much I put myself first until I became a mom. I looking back now, can't even imagine myself before. It opens your heart, because a part of you is out there walking around in a new little person. 

It's been amazing this past year to watch my babies grow and become more self sufficient. In letting go of so much control, I think in all my worry and concern, they actually blossomed into beautiful little individual people. I have seen them as more capable than ever before. The way that little kids think, and love, has been an example to me in my hard. In loving unconditionally I have a taste everyday Of my God's grace and love for me. I am his child, and he watches me, in my own sinful independence everyday. But he loves huge, he wakes with me, and helps guide me through each day. 

“I’m telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you’re not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God’s kingdom. What’s more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it’s the same as receiving me." Matthew 3:5

Don't let me deceive you. This gift has also been one of the hardest, most consuming, life altering gifts I have been given. Even on days I try my best I fail, and need forgiveness. But there is no much that I have learned about ME though watching THEM. I learn to receive and give grace everyday. I am eye opened by quality in serving and loving. My anxiety tries to creep in and steal the Joy that I have in each day, and I am always trying to manage my handful instead of slowing down and living in one moment at a time. They grow up, and I do not want to waste away any one second because it goes too darn fast. 

"In all of my mothering failings, I'd manage to get one thing right. Love. And it mattered most of all."Michele Cushatt

*I am fully aware writing this post that there are so many longing to be a mom, or have been for way too short of a season. You wake everyday with hope and heartache. My heart breaks for you. I am sensitive to knowing your heart strings and know that it is real pain. I also know, after this past year, that God knows what is best for us. Gosh even if that means a life fighting cancer, He knows what we need though our pain and he will always be there to comfort and walk us through. So in your pain and in your longing, know that I too, in a different way, wonder everyday why this story is mine. If this is you today as I write this post, know you are in my mind. God is bigger, his story better. Don't ever let go of that... The gifts bestowed upon us are because He knows what he needs to accomplish through us. There is a great plan for you too... I promise that. 

All this being said... Today I celebrate my big girl. She has CHANGED me. Happy Birthday to my first. 

Rose, My beautiful girl, how thankful I am for you. You teach me everyday how to be more compassionate. You have a huge heart, that doesn't discriminate. You are selfless, and giving, always putting others first, no matter the cost to you. You have changed so much this past year, stepping into shoes no little girl should ever have to. You comforted, you loved, you cried, but you taught me how to be strong. You showed me there is something worth living for everyday. You took care of me, every time I look at you, I see sacrifice and a heart for others. You have made an impact on my whole world and continue to everyday. There is something so special in you, you make me a better mommy, a better person.