Making it another week...

And my God will

supply every need of 

yours according to his 
riches in 

glory in 
Christ Jesus. 
Philippians 4:19

It's been an ok week. We have had many good days. I don't feel like there is much to report, life seems almost monotonous at times. Not sure if that is good or bad, uneventful at this point should mean good. The exhaustion of being on sylatron is hard to explain. It feels like it's hard to breathe exhaustion. I nap most days and sleep long nights. I have energy to do some fun things but then I crash and sleep to make up for it. Ive been trying to walk a few times a week, its good for me. For my emotional state and physical being. My stamina is low but I'm still amazed at how I keep trekking along fine. Chemo brain is a real thing and it's in full effect again. Weeks when I'm on the medicine it seems a little worse than when I have my break weeks. My brain is so foggy, I especially notice it right now with more going on for all the end of year events. The calendar is full and I can barely keep up. I won't pretend for a second to act as if I have it together right now. Even if you are not in cancer treatment this time of year is just crazy, why do they even go to school these days? Can I get an amen?  A few more days and summer will have begun around here. To say overjoyed wouldn't explain in enough excitement how ready I am.

This week I got a terrible thrush infection on my mouth, just another side effect of taking this major medication. It's a common side effect with most chemo. It was painful and annoying but it's so easy now to be thankful it's nothing worse and that again all the thins I've had to deal with are treatable and manageable. So just another bump in the road for the week. I am feeling much better now. 

Tonight I'll take round 2 of this treatment and then get a break I think, next week. We will go to PENN Tuesday to get blood work and check everything. The plan is to be off next week and the following when we are in Phoenix. So we need my oncologist to give us the ok with the plan for the next couple weeks. We already talked about it, we just don't plan much ahead. Once I get through the next couple days of hard, and my appointment at the hospital next week, I will start getting amped up to spend 10 days with my best friend!!

With every treatment I get I wonder if it will be my last. I never count ahead. In thinking about every injection I reminisce of all of the goodness I've had in my life to get me to this point. I'm thankful for this week because of how many treatments I've been able to endure. This is way longer than I imagined my body would tolerate and fight with this medicines help. Seriously if you've been reading you know, how well I get along with meds, so its a miracle friends. This perspective makes what is hard tolerable and makes me so thankful.  I know I can do the next thing because I know of God's blessing which got me here, and with that assurance I know there is more to come. I don't discount that walking this journey I'm on for one second is about me, but it sure makes it easier to give up all my selfish desires when I know and feel the way that he is taking care of me and my people.

I have spent a few extra moments with each of my babies this week and that has been good for my soul and something they each need. One of my mighty fears, that I continuously have to give up to God, is that I will miss out on life for my babies. Fear maybe I won't be strong enough or present enough that I won't be just plain enough. It's been humbling and life changing for me, as a mom, to realize I will never be enough for them, that I will never supply all their needs, and that when I fail at being their everything, because I will, they are His children in the end and not mine. That has been a freeing place for me, through my diagnosis, surgeries, and treatment this far. Being able to not only let go of all that control, but to realize they were all never mine to begin with, has taught me many things about being the best mom I can be.