Memories made

This is what I want. A life worth living for every second I have to live.  Days full of the people I love being thankful for the good in front of me. A couple days after a really hard several days I boarded a plane to sunny AZ with my babies to spend 10 days with my very best. I needed her, she needed me more. He just knows what he is doing friends, he just plain has his hand in every stinking detain of our life, and you have to notice it if you just look. God knew that this was the time for us to be together months ago when this was all planned, when I had no idea what tomorrow might bring. These past 10 days we escaped reality and spent every waking second together. We hugged lots, held hands and cried more times than I can count, and laughed to tears. 

I'm on an airplane now, flying amongst the clouds looking out into the heavens.  As I hold back tears I know I feel God's presence. He is always there. He tells me he loves me bigger than I know big, higher than these skies. I know this and his abundant grace. I am thankful for every moment he gives, as a gift, so that we can love and be his people. It's going to take me until eternity to figure out how to do this life well, how not to question his plans and goodness, and how to accept his grace freely, truly freely. Leaving wasn't easy, going home is facing a new reality, and creating a new normal. Sometimes I just want to be, in a place where I don't have to do any of that anymore. Making a new normal, living for tomorrow. If only this day wouldn't end then tomorrow wouldn't come, and these days living for each moment would be much easier. 

The heavens declare the glory of God, 

and the sky above proclaims his handiwork. 

Psalm 19:1

This vacation went to fast, every single day does. It's strange a little not having dreaded days of treatment ahead of me, makes me look more forward to doing life. Makes me want days to slow down more and me to cherish time, a few weeks ago I was still wishing this year away in some ways. And a year before diagnosis I would wake up and wonder more quickly than I want to admit when it would be bedtime again. I have not had that thought since August 7th. No longer do I want any moment to end, the good moments. Every night as I tuck my people in, I thank God for them, and for the day we had, and nothing more. 

My days, my vacations, my moments, post cancer, are more cherished than these things were before. I've learned a way of accepting everything as God's grace gift and turning even hard and unimaginable into thankfulness. I am able to see more clear his plan because I stop more often to see his blessings. I want to live wherever I am, and just be there. I don't know how to move ahead the best way, and its a learning process for each one of us to do this life the best we can. 

Wherever you are be all there. 

I want to slow down and taste life, 

give thanks, and see God. 

- ann voscamp

The past 2 weeks have really flown by. I haven't thought much about sylatron or treatment, how to feel about being done, and what that even means. I am not sure what life entirely looks like when I get home and how I am going to do it. God gave me this trip to get away from all those things I will somehow steadily process through it. I am feeling well. I am tired, but the trip gave me adrenaline and excitement to enjoy my babies and bests. I may sleep for a week when I get home, but that is ok. I do feel very rested and well, just at peace. Slowly I will be able to stop a few medicines as the effects of the sylatron fade. It will still be months before they all subside. I know some things will start to look better and change. I also know that God is so good, so gracious, and although I feel lost making new changes, He never changes. I will also share much still about my stories and journey through treatment and transitioning into what being a survivor looks like. How God kept me and covered me during this time, how his grace is all that we need and he gives it freely even through suffering. I will also never fail to be naive enough to admit humbly that I have no idea what I am doing in all this, so I'm still just living for today. For this moment and trying to live it fully, and for this breath and breathing life in. For in the same way that we want to live fully in a moment I know that a moment can change an entire outcome of someones life. This time a year ago I was not waiting in expectation for a cancer diagnosis coming my way. An entire life turned upside down, from what my plans were versus his. Choose Joy, in every moment. For we do not every know what the next moment will be. There is not a single guarantee for me, or for any of us, other than meeting Him face to face on the other side of this life.