Prayer Request, because it's that time again.

This summer has been so so good. We are cherishing the days like never before. I am feeling well, the kids are loving the unscheduled slow pace life and don't want it to end. I haven't kept up with mush posting because I can't even find time to grocery shop with all 4 kiddos home everyday. I will update more about our life more soon... but in the meantime...

It's that time again. The months leading up to these check-ins at the cancer hospital go by SO fast. Well the truth is that the first few go by so fast and then the last month feels like this dark cloud hanging over my head until I can hear those words again, NED.

There is real truth in scanxiety. I'm trying to find a way to cope with this new normal. These test and scan days mean so much and nothing all at the same time. That concept is a discipline for me to believe all in a separate explanation. It won't change who I am but it may change what I do. I don't even know if that makes sense. I told my friend that I am learning that in the weeks prior to scan time I need to climb in a hole and hide. Either that or wear a sign that just details the load I feel I'm bearing. Forgive me for my whack existence these last few weeks. It is also my personality to prepare for the worst and be thankful for the best. Instead of preparing for the best and being disappointed with the worst. So you can imagine the thoughts I'm fight in my head most days. I hate that about cancer. I put my life on hold my brain can't even process life past next Tuesday the 26th. So I have this whole week ahead to learn to wait and trust him more. It's so strange to this "planner".

The lifetime ahead of scans, appointments, blood work, won't ever seem right to me. But it was always right. God is still not surprised that my life is filled with these things, this is the exact path He knew he was going to lead me down. So I trust that, I do. Are these weeks before a single appointment that could change my whole life easy? Not even a little bit.

There are BIG days every 5 or so months but since my last scans in August I still have spent many days with doctors or specialist, in lab draws, and phone appointments. I have had ultrasounds, OT therapy appointments, dealt with pain and lifetime effects of hard, been sick and worried the worst, given myself injections to fight cancer, and taken over a dozen pills a day that I pray will be helping my body stay strong. In a way this is not overwhelming, but still a part of most of my days. Just like any of us that have a "thorn" that we thing would be easier doing this life without.

"a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

2 Corinthians 12

But then I'm reminded of the many gifts that have been birthed out of the many hard, even in these many new and normal, mundane, and good days.

"And in the glory of His face, the darkest suffering and love we have endured will fade like shadows and daybreak. Until then, the moments of releasing our lives into the hands of a God we can not see are the closest to wholeness we will come on this side of eternity. This is our truest healing-the healing of our souls-and it sustains us when we wake up tomorrow to an unknown but hopeful day. " Katherine Wolf in Hope Heals

The questions like, "How was your birthday?" and being able to respond with just another day with my people who I love. The most plain and perfect day. The exact day I prayed and prayed that I would have in my life again. and friends there is nothing better.

But here we are. The day before the day before of the day before.... the rest of your life. Seems so silly, somedays I feel like I'm living my life counting down days and I can't stand that. I really am thankful for so many great days and I don't want to wish ahead any time, ever. Slow down every moment. Cherish every moment. In that same way once we get closer to scan day I find myself not even being able to see life past this day. I want to hope ahead, I want my trust to go past a simple day in the life, but my imperfect human brain keeps me here. Waiting.

Pray with us friends, and pray for us. These days bring anxiety they just do. I have told my closest people that I am really doing great, and then all the sudden I wake up in the night from a nightmare and quickly realize my subconscious is even under some stress. That just the way it is when you live a life where where a single day coming hinges on so many things.

"We must continue to pray and "wait for the LORD" (Isa 8:17), until we hear the sound of His mighty rain. There is no reason why we should not ask for great things. Without a doubt, we will receive them if we ask in faith, having the courage to wait with patient perseverance for Him and meanwhile doing those things that are within our power to do.It is not within our power to create the wind or to change its direction, but we can raise our sails to catch it when it comes." Streams in the Desert 

I trust he already knows and he is holding me this week. I also believe that he has healed me, given me life in a whole new way, and that I have nothing to fear. But no matter what I know, this day is still ahead. There are raw and real emotions that can surface for all of us when we revisit that life. My kids know. My husband knows. And even when you are so prepared and you have walked it before these days are not easily completed.

"Own your fear and run to the only one who can defeat it." Paul Tripp