Just show up
“We might not feel qualified to show up. I know I never have and probably never will. But God uses those of us who aren’t qualified so that He’s glorified.”
I think often of what to do for a friend in a time of need. How do I show up? Where do I even start. I have also learned from my own journey that doing nothing is the worst choice. Something is better than nothing. I have seen examples of this from some of the bravest people who chose to show up for me.
It took me a long time mourning through the beginning of my cancer diagnosis to accept the fact that I was going to be weak and needy. I had held it together most of my life being strong and self sufficient. Once I realized the marathon ahead of me and the reality of being a sick mom with four little kids, I had to accept the fact that I was going to need help. Welcome meals. Ask for prayer.
It was a conversation with one good friend that changed it all for me. She said, "YOU have to stop. God is going to use other people and bless them, through their servant sacrifice to you. STOP trying to get in HIS way." I won't ever forget it. I dried my tears and realized I had been so selfish in trying to be strong and put off help from others. It was this conversation that would also allow my heart to pray and look harder for the ones that I could love, because he loved me first....
Then I decided I wasn't going to let anyone get in HIS way through me....
Once I stopped my pity party and trying to rebel against being the "sick" person. I started seeing all the ways that others, my family, my friends, were showing up for me. Day after day God sent someone to lift me up and encourage me in my darkest and hardest days. Days where I was overwhelmed with fear, someone would message me that they were praying against fear. Days I was vomitting and could not hold up my head, someone would send a message of prayers for strength. I started seeing it. His encouraging me through others. The comfort was coming from him, but through others. Today I can look back at those months and see that he was using others to encourage me, so that I can encourage others. That is what we are all called to do. A few weeks ago digging back into the word at church was another great reminder of this purpose in us all.
I have been asked so many times what to do for someone when they get devastating news, when they are faced with a season of suffering or hardship. I have no idea what to do, but I always say SOMETHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING. I too used to be fearful of rejection, or doing the wrong things. To the point where I would be paralyzed and just ignore. Now since I have been on the receiving end, I have experienced the deep deep love of Jesus through others when we just show up and do something. If you are scared, or just have no idea what to do, if you are worried that you may offend someone or put them in a worse place, I know that Grace will meet you when you show up and mess up. Thats when we pray and we experience his, "sufficient grace." I start with praying that my intentions are for Christ to shine through when I show up. My prayer will always be, "Father, let them see more of you and not me in these moments ahead."
HERE ARE A FEW WAYS TO SHOW UP:
"we love because HE first loved US" 1 John
60 Creative Ways to love a friend in Crisis
Then I decided I wasn't going to let anyone get in HIS way through me....
Once I stopped my pity party and trying to rebel against being the "sick" person. I started seeing all the ways that others, my family, my friends, were showing up for me. Day after day God sent someone to lift me up and encourage me in my darkest and hardest days. Days where I was overwhelmed with fear, someone would message me that they were praying against fear. Days I was vomitting and could not hold up my head, someone would send a message of prayers for strength. I started seeing it. His encouraging me through others. The comfort was coming from him, but through others. Today I can look back at those months and see that he was using others to encourage me, so that I can encourage others. That is what we are all called to do. A few weeks ago digging back into the word at church was another great reminder of this purpose in us all.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Last week after I dropped off my four littles at school a friend text me to come help her. I went. I served. I left filled up, it's a beautiful feeling when we are willing and able to serve. I always liked life better on this side instead of the being served side. I also consider it a gift now to know the blessings on both sides."As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another..." 1 Peter 4:10. Little did my friend know when she humbly asked for help that morning that I had woken up to another day I didn't really want to do. I felt overwhelmed again and needy and that reality creeps in every once in awhile and steals joy. I have to fight it. I had appointments all day at the hospital. As I pulled away from her house I was in tears. Tears of joy and thankfulness, for just in that moment HE had chosen to show me again how much he loves me. He provided someone who needed me, to love me in my weakness. HE allowed me to serve instead of be served on a hard day. I do not think this life has coincidence, I believe God is weaving his beautiful story and sometimes we see it and sometimes we don't. I later thanked my friend and explained to her in her weakness God used her to bless me by letting me serve her. See, sometimes we just need to get out of his way...I have been asked so many times what to do for someone when they get devastating news, when they are faced with a season of suffering or hardship. I have no idea what to do, but I always say SOMETHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING. I too used to be fearful of rejection, or doing the wrong things. To the point where I would be paralyzed and just ignore. Now since I have been on the receiving end, I have experienced the deep deep love of Jesus through others when we just show up and do something. If you are scared, or just have no idea what to do, if you are worried that you may offend someone or put them in a worse place, I know that Grace will meet you when you show up and mess up. Thats when we pray and we experience his, "sufficient grace." I start with praying that my intentions are for Christ to shine through when I show up. My prayer will always be, "Father, let them see more of you and not me in these moments ahead."
“Grace is the glue that holds relationships together as we walk through suffering with one another.”
What Grieving People Don’t Expect- Nancy Guthrie
It’s not up to you to say something that answers the significant questions they’re asking. Those take some time to work through, and if they sense your willingness to linger with them a bit in the midst of the questions rather than offer simplistic answers, they’re more likely to want to explore them with you down the road. It’s not up to you to recommend the book they need to read, the counselor they need to see, the drug they need to take. You don’t have to provide a framework for thinking and feeling their way through their loss. Really, you just have to show up and say little. What they need more than someone with a lot of words is someone with a willingness to listen without judgment, someone who seems to be entering into their hurting world for the long haul of grief.
Really, you just have to show up and say little. What they need more than someone with a lot of words is someone . . . entering into their hurting world for the long haul of grief.
It’s not up to you to make the pain go away, even though you would love to be able to do so. Grieving people aren’t expecting you to say something that will take away the hurt. They’re really just hoping you will be willing to hurt with them. The reality is that even if you come up with the perfect thing to say (as if there is such a thing), it simply won’t fix the hurt or solve the problem. Does that take some pressure off? I hope so.
There’s nothing you can say that will make their loss hurt less. It’s going to hurt for a while. They’re not looking to you to make sense of it or to say something they haven’t thought of or something that makes it not hurt. You purpose in saying something is to enter into the hurt with them and let them know they’re not alone.
What makes a great friend in the midst of grief is someone willing to overcome the awkwardness to engage. He or she comes alongside and is willing, at least for a while, to agree that this is terrible, unexplainable, the worst. No forced looking on the bright side. At least not yet. No suggesting you should be grateful for anything. At least not yet. To have a friend who, with a shake of the head and a sense of “How can this be?” refuses to rush too quickly past sharing a sense of agonized disappointment at the reality of death—what a gift.
There’s nothing you can say that will make their loss hurt less. It’s going to hurt for a while.
HERE ARE A FEW WAYS TO SHOW UP:
"we love because HE first loved US" 1 John
60 Creative Ways to love a friend in Crisis
1. ASK: What do you need most right now? This is
the BEST place to begin.
2. Send a brief text message. Let her know she’s not forgotten.
3. Make a phone call and leave an uplifting
voice message.
4. Send an email telling him what you appreciate most about him. Again, be brief, but be specific and sincere.
5. SAY: “I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.”
6. Set up a daily alarm/reminder to pray at a certain time. Then periodically let her know about it.
7. Mail a greeting card. Humor is almost always
a welcome relief in suffering.
8. Deliver a gift box filled with small necessities (lip balm, lotion, bookmarks, Starbucks Via coffee packets, chocolate, writing pens, Moleskines, lavender oil, did I mention chocolate?).
9. Give a dinner or movie gift card.
10. Give a book, with a personal inscription in
the cover from you. CAUTION: Rather than
gifting your book or a book you’d enjoy, do a little investigative work and find out what she likes to read.
11. Create a collection of your favorite hope-filled verses on index cards or a Word document.
12. Give a picture of the two of you together. BONUS: print it off and frame it.
13. Deliver flowers or a plant.
14. Prepare and deliver a meal (OR, if they can get out, invite them to join your family, once a week or once a month. For those who grieve a long-time spouse, this can be the highlight of their week, and perhaps the only time they have connection with others).
2. Send a brief text message. Let her know she’s not forgotten.
3. Make a phone call and leave an uplifting
voice message.
4. Send an email telling him what you appreciate most about him. Again, be brief, but be specific and sincere.
5. SAY: “I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.”
6. Set up a daily alarm/reminder to pray at a certain time. Then periodically let her know about it.
7. Mail a greeting card. Humor is almost always
a welcome relief in suffering.
8. Deliver a gift box filled with small necessities (lip balm, lotion, bookmarks, Starbucks Via coffee packets, chocolate, writing pens, Moleskines, lavender oil, did I mention chocolate?).
9. Give a dinner or movie gift card.
10. Give a book, with a personal inscription in
the cover from you. CAUTION: Rather than
gifting your book or a book you’d enjoy, do a little investigative work and find out what she likes to read.
11. Create a collection of your favorite hope-filled verses on index cards or a Word document.
12. Give a picture of the two of you together. BONUS: print it off and frame it.
13. Deliver flowers or a plant.
14. Prepare and deliver a meal (OR, if they can get out, invite them to join your family, once a week or once a month. For those who grieve a long-time spouse, this can be the highlight of their week, and perhaps the only time they have connection with others).
15. Buy him a subscription to a favorite magazine.
16. Spend time together. Don't look at your watch, don't talk about all you have to get
done that afternoon. Instead, offer your un-rushed self.
17. Schedule a movie date. Bring the movie to them if they can't leave the house.
18. Schedule a coffee date. Bring the coffee to them if they can't leave the house.
19. Have your child write a letter or color a picture. Is there anything more uplifting than the joy and prayers of a child?
20. Buy a soft blanket (we like to pray over it and then deliver it)
21. Hand-write a letter.
22. Make homemade bread, cookies or brownies. Know her favorite comfort food? Make that.
23. Give a gift certificate to get a mani/pedi, massage or other treat (or do it together!).
24. Take a walk.
25. Record and send a silly video message on your phone.
26. Take silly selfies and send those periodically, a fun reminder that she’s not forgotten.
27. Write up a list of what you appreciate about them, ways they make the world a better place. Be specific. Be honest. Be sincere.
28. Find a t-shirt that carries some kind of posi- tive message that will encourage.
29. ASK: "What is your greatest pain right now?" And then sit quietly and listen. Resist the urge to share your personal pain or try to fix theirs.
30: TWO WORDS: New Pajamas.
31. Send a Giving Key. (www.thegivingkeys.com)
16. Spend time together. Don't look at your watch, don't talk about all you have to get
done that afternoon. Instead, offer your un-rushed self.
17. Schedule a movie date. Bring the movie to them if they can't leave the house.
18. Schedule a coffee date. Bring the coffee to them if they can't leave the house.
19. Have your child write a letter or color a picture. Is there anything more uplifting than the joy and prayers of a child?
20. Buy a soft blanket (we like to pray over it and then deliver it)
21. Hand-write a letter.
22. Make homemade bread, cookies or brownies. Know her favorite comfort food? Make that.
23. Give a gift certificate to get a mani/pedi, massage or other treat (or do it together!).
24. Take a walk.
25. Record and send a silly video message on your phone.
26. Take silly selfies and send those periodically, a fun reminder that she’s not forgotten.
27. Write up a list of what you appreciate about them, ways they make the world a better place. Be specific. Be honest. Be sincere.
28. Find a t-shirt that carries some kind of posi- tive message that will encourage.
29. ASK: "What is your greatest pain right now?" And then sit quietly and listen. Resist the urge to share your personal pain or try to fix theirs.
30: TWO WORDS: New Pajamas.
31. Send a Giving Key. (www.thegivingkeys.com)
33. Take them for a drive on a sunny day. No
agenda. No map. Just a drive to enjoy the
scenery. NOTE: Roll the windows down! Turn the
music UP!
34. Do his laundry for a week. Or a month. Sign them up for a laundry service if you don't want to do it yourself.
35. Make a painting together. Get a canvas, some paints and go crazy. It will be a memory you both won't forget. And the painting itself will be a beautiful reminder of togetherness.
36. Write and date your prayers for them. Then gift it to them.
37. Make a homemade journal, using an inex- pensive spiral notebook and decorating the cover. Leave random, brief notes through the inside pages.
38. Offer to drive them to doctor's offices, legal appointments, etc.
39. Run errands together. If he/she can't drive, this can be a huge practical help AND a salve for their loneliness.
40. Sit at a local park and enjoy the sunshine.
41. Keep her company on a bad day. You don’t need to talk or do anything. Just be close, as long as needed.
42. Physical touch. Offer a hug, hold a hand, scratch a back, brush her hair. You might want to ask permission first, but you'd be surprised how desperate a person can become for simple human touch.
43. Rent a movie and watch it in your PJs together. Zero glamour allowed.
44. Ask for a list of things that need to be fixed around the house. Then put on your handyman hat and do whatever you can.
34. Do his laundry for a week. Or a month. Sign them up for a laundry service if you don't want to do it yourself.
35. Make a painting together. Get a canvas, some paints and go crazy. It will be a memory you both won't forget. And the painting itself will be a beautiful reminder of togetherness.
36. Write and date your prayers for them. Then gift it to them.
37. Make a homemade journal, using an inex- pensive spiral notebook and decorating the cover. Leave random, brief notes through the inside pages.
38. Offer to drive them to doctor's offices, legal appointments, etc.
39. Run errands together. If he/she can't drive, this can be a huge practical help AND a salve for their loneliness.
40. Sit at a local park and enjoy the sunshine.
41. Keep her company on a bad day. You don’t need to talk or do anything. Just be close, as long as needed.
42. Physical touch. Offer a hug, hold a hand, scratch a back, brush her hair. You might want to ask permission first, but you'd be surprised how desperate a person can become for simple human touch.
43. Rent a movie and watch it in your PJs together. Zero glamour allowed.
44. Ask for a list of things that need to be fixed around the house. Then put on your handyman hat and do whatever you can.
45. Offer to make phone calls to doctors, insur-
ance companies, etc. In the case of a grieving
widow/widower, they may need help changing
credit cards, canceling cell phone service, etc.
Simply sitting with them while they tackle these
tasks can be a huge comfort, too.
46. Wash his car.
47. Mow the lawn.
48. Walk the dog. Maybe wash him, too.
49. Keep their children for an evening. Or a week. Or find several friends to do it together.
50. Clean their house. Or send them a gift certificate to Merry Maids.
51. Listen to an audio book out loud together. Talk about it.
52. Ask questions. Listen more than you talk.
53. Adopt them as part of your family on the big holidays (Valentine's Day, Easter, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas)
54. Fix her hair or take her to get her hair done in a salon.
55. Ask for his opinion on a project or specific subject. Show that his wisdom and insight still matter to you.
56. Write down and reach out on the important "anniversary" dates. The date her spouse died. The date the surgery happened. The date the diagnosis came and chemo ended. Make sure she knows you won't forget.
57. ASK: What's your greatest loss during this crisis? What do you miss the most?
58. Get tickets to the symphony, comedy club, sporting event or local concert in the park. Get dressed up, go out and celebrate life.
59. Create a homemade yard sign with an encouraging message, and leave it for her to find when she wakes up the next day.
60. Do church together. If she can’t leave home, take your computer to her house and stream the Sunday sermon. Listen to it together.
46. Wash his car.
47. Mow the lawn.
48. Walk the dog. Maybe wash him, too.
49. Keep their children for an evening. Or a week. Or find several friends to do it together.
50. Clean their house. Or send them a gift certificate to Merry Maids.
51. Listen to an audio book out loud together. Talk about it.
52. Ask questions. Listen more than you talk.
53. Adopt them as part of your family on the big holidays (Valentine's Day, Easter, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas)
54. Fix her hair or take her to get her hair done in a salon.
55. Ask for his opinion on a project or specific subject. Show that his wisdom and insight still matter to you.
56. Write down and reach out on the important "anniversary" dates. The date her spouse died. The date the surgery happened. The date the diagnosis came and chemo ended. Make sure she knows you won't forget.
57. ASK: What's your greatest loss during this crisis? What do you miss the most?
58. Get tickets to the symphony, comedy club, sporting event or local concert in the park. Get dressed up, go out and celebrate life.
59. Create a homemade yard sign with an encouraging message, and leave it for her to find when she wakes up the next day.
60. Do church together. If she can’t leave home, take your computer to her house and stream the Sunday sermon. Listen to it together.
Praying for you today friends, that God provides a way in front of you today where you can step out of your comfort and bring comfort to someone who may need it. JUST SHOW UP.
"Every man shall give (show up) as he is able, according to the blessing of the Lord your God that he has given you." Deuteronomy 16:17
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