NED and update

As we waited for the doctor in the room Kev prayed one last prayer, Jesus give us NED. I stopped him and said "Kev stop praying for the news we want and pray that we can just accept the news in which God has for us, I'm ok with whatever that is"  I do think sometimes that's all he wants from us. Just to come to him in our broken and our fear and anxiety and say that we trust he is in control. “I don't want to change God’s timing - his timing is perfect. I want the grace to accept his timing. I don't want to change God’s plan - his plan is perfect. I want to embrace his plan and see how he is glorified through it.” Holding on to Hope. 

Today again God gave us the desire of our heart, which was to hear there is No Evidence of Disease. For today and hopefully forever this is what we desire. More filled days here with my loves, more time to do his will and to be here to walk through this life with all those I’m surrounded by. I'm feeling a weight lifted today, like its a little easier to breathe, at least for the next few months until we do this again. The appointments and scans sneak up so fast.  I pray God gives me peace to enjoy the days I have without thinking ahead to the next thing coming. I don't want to live that way, we get no where in that mindset. I actually talked to my mom today and said, although yes it's no waste to ask for our desires, I'm ok now to just get right to the point and say I'm content whatever my circumstances because I know the creator already has the answer. Let that be my unwavering, unfailing prayer. 

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity.  Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4

Today we ventured out to UPENN with all the kiddos. It was Kev’s idea and I was overwhelmed but trusted him. We had been wanting to take them so they could see my hospital and doctors. I have felt so bad so many times and it just hasn't worked. The kids had a snow delay and after being away from them for the weekend we just decided to make it a family day. Fun family field trip at your moms oncology hospital huh?… but I pray God will use these days in each of my kids. Ella and Joy held my hands when I got all my blood work. Joy couldn't look but Ella watched very intent. Rose wouldn't even come back with us. Uncle B and Katie came with my little nephew to help at the appointment. So it was a fun day for the kids to be with them too. 

We had the gang come back after my appointment to meet Dr. Schuchter and Suzanne. Two of my most favorite people in the whole right now. It was a special moment for me, like bringing my two families together today. We have a long road ahead and these dear women are a huge part of who I am now. The way they came in to our lives was no mistake and I'm blessed to have them, they are the very best. 

Other than the NED news we had much to talk about today. Three weeks has gone by and for me without seeing my oncologist in three weeks seemed like eternity. She wanted to know how everything was going. We went over all my blood work and it looks ok and normal for where I'm at in treatment. The interferon is working well right now, everything is sorta stabilized which is what they want. It is also buying me disease free days so as long as I'm in treatment there shouldn't be a recurrence., meaning the scans I have in this year should show NED. Not being a fan of interferon, because who is when their patients are sick and feel terrible, she was encouraged to see me today. There is a small spot on my liver, it was there in my previous scans and it hasn't changed so that is good. Since I'm in chemo if it would have changed she would have been more concerned, she's not at all concerned. Just know something showed up, no one is concerned about it, but we watch it. There are a few swollen lymph nodes throughout my body, which is a side effect from interferon (what's not?). It's hard because when cancer is in your lymph nodes you don't want them swollen but the treatment you are in makes them swell, again a reason why I'm watched carefully. Melanoma is a scary beast and you never know if or when or even how it will show up, but you have to monitor and be concerned about every little thing. She assured me that it is good to be a little overly cautious. She did a full exam today and is sending me to my melanoma specialist dermatologist at Hershey to have a few moles removed. We don't mess around and she is for sure taking no chances, there is one she just says has to go right away. So I'll schedule that as soon as possible in the next couple weeks and pray for good results there. The chances of me getting another melanoma is astronomically high, but as long as it's caught early we are fine.  Just another thing to add to the list. For all of you cancer fighters out there, its like a full time job to do this work, you inspire and encourage me to keep pushing. 

We are driving home, the sun is setting, the kids are happy watching a movie and I'm holding back tears of sweet joy. God is so good. I am so blessed today. How strange it is to drive one way knowing nothing and drive back where your whole life could be changed. It's hard to wrap my mind around how fast life can take a turn. And how do you live your every wakening day trusting, it's not as hard as I thought it would be really. Maybe it's the light of eternity that I've caught a glimpse of, it's hard but survivable, the good and the bad. “We’ve been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what’s ahead. He puts a little of Heaven in our hearts so that we’ll never settle for less.” 2 Cor 5:4-5 There is a peace today that I had waking up, like a peace that wasn't exactly knowing everything would be ok, but a peace that made me know that I'm ok. God allowed cancer to enter into our lives, but he also allowed joy in this suffering that today I am feeling. 

“If any of you wants to be my follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow me.” Matthew 16:24

From here we continue on. The road ahead is not easy. Is it for anyone? For some of us easier than others, grasp those days, don't let them go. And when good days come after suffering and loss, grasp those days too and fill them with all the promises we know. those promises wont ever go away, and they are the only thing that will follows us out of this life. I go back in 4 weeks to UPENN. I will have all my levels checked and make sure everything is still going. 4 weeks seems far away and in that time there is a lot of hard work my body has to do. The meds are starting to regulate in my body now so there isn't really any going back. We watch carefully how the chemo type medicine is working and as soon as its counter effective it will be time to stop. It is a gift friends that I feel the way I do. It is no mistake, it is by your prayers, and his power that this is working out. There is no other explanation for it. Just like tomorrow, it will be a struggle for me, and for so many of us, but at the end of it, he will get us through. Not by how hard we fight, or the mental battles we take ahold of, but because he is not finished with us yet, and his plan continues. So tonight I take my shot and all my meds and keep fighting. I keep praying that God will allow my body to handle this crazy hard medicine and that it will continue to fight the cancer cells away so that they never show up. The whole no rest for the weary thing, how much of a load can we bear? This battle is far from over, perhaps just beginning, but that isn’t true for just me. 

“Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s” 2 Cor 20:15