"Scanxiety"

"I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.  Phillipians 4:11-13 (message)

I remember the devastation my senior year of college to the news my knee wasn't fixed correctly and I needed another surgery. I had already made the decision I couldn't participate in my senior year of field hockey because then I would never make it to my lacrosse season, my first love. I had to decide. I remember the feelings knowing I would only be able to perform to not near my ability because of my injury. I also remember the heartache of the last few weeks of the season knowing I was facing yet a third surgery to correct damage from playing all year. My physical body was not allowing my heart to do what I wanted to do and it was a battle. Every effort I put in seemed to be wasted with news of having to do it all over again. I did this 4 times before I was able to rest and give my body what it needed for several years that it needed so desperately. The feeling of every bad MRI, another doctor appointment telling me we had to go down again, I was young, my world view was small, and it was so hard. I learned lessons of perseverance, never giving in, llhow to work hard among adversity, and how to fight against my physical body stealing joy from my circumstances. Those things all relate still to walking through so many aspects of my life. 

Magnify those feelings and I'm here again. "Scanxiety" they call it when a cancer patient has upcoming scans.  I'm clinging to everything, praying and hoping it's good news. I stop myself often trying to plan out in my mind what good or bad news would look like. I talk myself through trusting God and how I could handle news of cancer cells found. Party I'm preparing myself so I can handle it. I think some of my personality is better to prepare and then rejoice instead of expecting the best and feeling disappointment. We all have these defense mechanisms. Or is it just lack of trust? I'm trying so hard. I do trust him and his perfect plan and I do know he is bigger than my small mind of anxiety and lack of knowing. I don't even know what to do with all this. I still have to take my shot Tuesday and go to my lymphoma appointment and move on with tomorrows treatment, all while fighting my brain to not get anxious or overwhelmed by the outcome of what these tests could mean. I know there so so many who know this feeling and so many who have waited for a phone call. I am with you now and never thought I would be. Where are you now that you thought you wouldnt be and what can you give up to get to where you can trust God fully to prepare you for what's to come. Just tonight at my small group bible study I realized that what we have ahead of us in this life is coming whether we are prepared or not, and when it comes we will have to make time for it and live it. There is no right way or wrong way but the only way is just trusting God. I am ready everyday to live my life for Christ, giving up and following him, whatever that may mean... But I just want to know. The recurrence rate and statistics for my stage and case is extremely high so we are always hoping and fighting against the odds, but aren't we all in some ways of our life. . Or aren't we all planing our escape from our ultimate destinations? Or maybe just by never preparing for it or thinking about it we don't have to face where we are going and how we are getting there. I have been given sure peace about that, no matter how the next thing comes, I'm not going at it alone. 

If you're struggling with anxiety tonight, here is a prayer starter for you to embrace and believe:

Dear Lord, I am so grateful that You are bigger than my fears. You are bigger than the anxious feelings that won't seem to subside. You are with me (Isaiah 41:10.) You are all-knowing and all-powerful. Because I know all of this to be true, I will trust You and Your perfect plan. I make the choice right now to reject the paralyzing feeling of fear so I can walk confidently in the truth of Your assurance. Calm my thoughts, Father, and give me Your peace in this moment. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.-

Lysa TerKeurst

I have felt ok this past week, better than I expected. About the same as last week but not worse. Everything is manageable. I've been taking more meds for pain and headaches, I've started to get a skin rash, and my exhaustion is bad some days. Again I'm hopeful this week is just another of the same with no huge decline in the way I'm feeling. I've had some hair thinning and thats totally normal, so I got a trim this weekend. Maybe it will just be thinned and I'll cut my hair short, or we will do what we have to when that next step comes. Im not concerned with these things right now, but just an update physically on how I feel. 

Thanks to some amazing Grandparents and beautiful Aunt, my kids will spend this Valentines weekend here and Kev and I will spend it on a much needed relaxing time together. We will go Friday to Philadelphia like I said before and will spend the day at the hospital and then the weekend away.Its been a hard couple weeks. We are tired, like most normal parents of little kids. Emotionally we need to be together and talk, and just spend quality time together. So we are excited for the weekend to come and it takes my focus off of thinking about the week, and the scans, and well, life. God gave me Kev and he is such a gift, and our time together is so precious. Spend that time with your spouse if you can, Im the first to say we go about life not making this a priority, but we have changed a few things and our marriage has become richer through this hard too. I'm definitely more thankful for him in a way I wouldn't have imagined for us right now, but here we are. Im lucky to walk this with someone who I love so much, and loves me even more. 

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you."  Psalm 33:20-22

http://bethelmusic.com/in-over-my-head-preview

I have come to this place in my life

I’m full but I’ve not satisfied

This longing to have more of You

I can feel it my heart is convinced 

I’m thirsty my soul can’t be quenched

You already know this but still

Come and do whatever You want to

I’m standing knee deep but I’m out where I’ve never been

I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind

Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in 

Let love come teach me who You are again

Take me back to the place where my heart was only about You

And all I wanted was just to be with You

Come and do whatever You want to

Further and further my heart moves away from the shore 

Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours Further and further my heart moves away from the shore 

Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

I’m going under, I’m in over my head

And You crash over me, I’m where You want me to be

I’m going under, I’m in over my head

A Whether I sink, whether I swim

It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head

Whether I sink, whether I swim

It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head

I’m Beautifully in over my head

I’m Beautifully in over my head

Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free