Saying Goodbye

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, 

they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, 

and the flame shall not consume you" (Isaiah 43:2).

"Even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you." Psalm 139:12

How do I even sit here and write this. How is this even real? How can you wake from dreamland to facing a nightmare? I don't know how to do this. I will never be an expert in knowing how to navigate this life. I never could have imagined how hard things could be. I also could have never imagined how good God is. I do not understand his whole plan or his timing, but I trust it is best. I've talked so much about my support system and how good God has been to provide what we need. I pray and pray that this will not, it cannot defeat me. I'm saying goodbye to my rock, my best, my sister. She's moving across the country back to her family. Why does it seem in crisis and hard that all the walls start to crumble? Is it merely because he simply wants all our trust and dependence on him? "This is not the path we would have chosen, but it is the pathway God has set before us. So, here in the dark, we set off on another journey, knowing that each stepping stone along the way will come at great cost. We are guided by a deep desire to please God and by a yearning to discover, along the way, the very heart of God" -Holding on to Hope.  Seek Joy. 

This person has been a gift to me. That sums all this up really. A life gift that I never deserved, one I will be forever thankful for. She compliments me on every aspect of my life. She has been by my side the past 7 years, through all our babies, learning and failing at mommy hood,  growing as wives and women, and navigating cancer.  We've raised all our babies together being pregnant together 3 times, and the kids love each other like family. They have been the best neighbors and friends anyone could ask for and they will never be replaced. They told us last night they are leaving. And I feel devastated. I feel swallowed by sad and searching for purpose. Why is the best and so exciting thing for them heart wrenching for us?  I sobbed, Kevin sobbed, this is his best life friend too, and the kids sobbed, we still are.  I don't understand it. But I will. I know where there is hard, God is surrounding. I know where there is loss and devastation, God is peace. I know where there is unknown and uncertain, God is in control. I know our next few days together are going to sweet, hard, and full of tears, but we will get through. At least I'm telling myself somehow I will. So far with every need and hole, God has provided and filled. We will watch their house go up for sale, say goodbye, and try to carry on. Show us grace friends as we try to navigate saying goodbye for awhile to our family. I will be spending as much time as I am able with them until they go. I will miss everything about them you guys, everything.

To their families, their friends, those they are going back home to, and anyone who's lucky enough to cross paths with them, you are blessed. 

Kev looked at Tara and Heather and I in tears last night and said, " Job lost everything.... and God restored his fortunes giving him twice as he ever had before." and Job said, "At least I can take comfort in this: Despite the pain, I have not denied the words of the Holy One" (6:10) You see we face loss and hard with such despair because we can't see the big picture. Our lives are such a small in God's great plan in light of eternity. Hearing of future hope, and knowing I'm in his hands is the only comfort I know anymore. I know he knows and he's here. It's hard to say that today, really hard. God does not fail us when we cry out to him, he always answers, but often in the way we do not imagine. God's love is unconditional even when we feel despair and feel abandoned. He gave us amazing love in his son and That same God is there to comfort the brokenhearted and restore the joy of their salvation. Seems impossible to say that and see that right now, but through the fog its there, it hurts, but its there. 

O soul, are you weary and troubled? No light in the darkness you see? There’s light for a look at the Savior, And life more abundant and free.
	Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,   In the light of His glory and grace.

Health Update:

Some of these days right now are impossible. It's a mix of sleeping so I don't have to live my reality, and not wanting to sleep because then I have to wake up to my reality. The drugs I am taking cause major depression and have side effects with major coping and emotional stress. So this week we are taking a break from the treatment. My body is fighting but it also takes away much of my coping mechanisms. My blood counts and other things are on a downward trend and I've been exhausted and sleeping a lot more the last few days. My doctor says it's ok to rest a week and see where we go from here. I may need to check my blood counts next week when we start again. I think I took 7 weeks straight, that's like a marathon people. And in that time I'm NED with the first scans so the meds are working. I'm thankful for this run so far, we will see where we go from here. Coupled with hard news, on top of living everyday it seems too much. I'm not sure where my body will go from here. That is all part of Gods plan too, sounds so cliche. It's not though, I wish I could say it and you could feel what my emotional state is when I say this. Wish you could feel my broken heart, and still feel the hope I have. It's not the cancer, but it's God working through suffering in my life to show me how much he loves desperately. 

I saw a pain specialist today to try to help with some of the nerve damage and pain in having from surgery and from being gutted literally. I had deep surgery taking out a lot of tissue and skin and so I've been having pain with my PT so she referred me to have the nerves looked. There is some damage and we go back in a few wees for some testing. In the mean time some more meds to help heal the nerves and hopefully take away some of the pain. It seems like nothing with all the weight of issues but it's something I'm dealing with for sure. I'm thankful I'm not dealing with lymphodema too. After two major surgeries like I had in one area there's damage for sure and my body is working through now to deal with that. Just add it to the plate these days. In the scheme of things my nerve issues of pain pale in comparison to my heart pain tonight. But regardless we have to work through both, and everything, all now for some perfect purpose. My heart pain is way more than my leg pain, or my aches and chills.

"You don't know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have"- Tim Keller

Packing up the dreams God planted

In the fertile soil of you

Can't believe the hopes he's granted

Means a chapter in your life is through

But we'll keep you close as always

It won't even seem you've gone

Cause our hearts in big and small ways

Will keep the love that keeps us strong

[Chorus]

And friends are friends forever 

If the Lord's the Lord of them

And a friend will not say "Never"

Cause the welcome will not end

Though it's hard to let you go

In the Father's hands we know

That a lifetime's not too long

To live as friends

With the faith and love God's given

Springing from the hope we know

We will pray the joy you'll live in

Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always

It won't even seem you've gone

Cause our hearts in big and small ways

Will keep the love that keeps us strong


Goodbye will be one of the hardest things I've done. I look forward already to the times we will have to come....

Whatever It Takes

February 25, 2015

• by Jonathan Parnell
  
• Topic: The Unwasted Life

We need clarity on the meaning of life.

I mean clarity not in terms of getting our theology in order, or knowing what to say if our pastor asked, but clarity in terms of the questions we should stop and routinely ask ourselves: “Why am I doing this? What is the goal? Where is this going?”

There is a straightforward answer to these questions, but let’s lay out the criteria before we get there.

Criteria for Clarity

First, the clarity must answer the meaning of life truly. Clarity of any kind will do us little good if it doesn’t faithfully resolve our question. We don’t just need to know what to do, but how what we do fits in with the ultimate purpose behind all things. We need to know how the truest truth of all makes the difference.

Second, the clarity must be actual clarity. The truest of clarity will do us little good if it doesn’t actually help us connect the dots. When we ask the questions of “Why? What? and Where?” we will become increasingly discontent with hazy answers. We need to know what life is all about, not theoretically but earnestly. My life, your life — what are these lives about?

The more we press in here and put our answers to work, the more we will feel the inadequacy of our Christian clichés. We need an answer that works. We need an answer vivid enough to compel our hearts to say: “I want that, whatever it takes.”

The “whatever it takes” qualifier is important. If we can’t say that, it means there must be a greater meaning to which our answer serves. Unless our answer holds up under “whatever it takes,” it will only be an appendage to our lives, not an all-consuming vision.

Building the Vision

Putting this criteria together, then, we need an answer to the meaning of life that lines up with the most important, all-encompassing truth there is and that is concrete enough to be a sincere rallying point for how we live.

In other words, how does the greatest truth in the universe effect a lasting vision for life that includes the ups and downs of real-life circumstances and is even achieved through them?

I think it goes like this:

The meaning of life is to experience and show Jesus as the supreme satisfaction of our souls.

Seriously. I think that is it. That is the meaning of life. And now, referring back to the criteria, let me show you why.

The Big Purpose

The most important, all-encompassing truth of the universe is that everything exists for the glory of God. That is the resounding theme of the Bible.

That’s why God makes a people for himself: “. . . the people whom I formed for myself that they might declare my praise” (Isaiah 43:21).

That’s why he forgives them: “For my name’s sake I defer my anger . . . . For my own sake, for my own sake, I do it. . . . My glory I will not give to another” (Isaiah 48:9, 11).

That’s why he makes them righteous: “Your people shall all be righteous . . . the work of my hands, that I might be glorified” (Isaiah 60:21).

That’s why he leads them: “you led your people, to make for yourself a glorious name” (Isaiah 63:14).

That’s why he spreads their witness: “they shall declare my glory among the nations” (Isaiah 66:19).

New Testament scholar Greg Beale says that God’s glory is the grand end-time goal of the entire biblical storyline. He writes that the “goal of God in everything is to glorify himself and enjoy that glory forever” (NTBT, 961).

The Face of Glory

Therefore, of course, clarity on the meaning of life must come from this. That is the first piece of the criteria. But how does it fit with the second piece? How is a true answer actual clarity?

It starts with understanding that the glory of God has a face.

This is when we must translate the glory of God from an abstract idea to a concrete reality. This is when we stop imagining God’s glory as just bright, blinding light filling the sky, and instead, let him draw the picture for us. The writer to the Hebrews tells us that Jesus is “the radiance of the glory of God, the exact imprint of his nature” (Hebrews 1:3). Paul says that Jesus is the one in whom the “whole fullness of deity dwells bodily” (Colossians 2:9). The apostle John writes that “the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory” (John 1:14).

Jesus is the most vivid display of who God is, as he himself has said: “Whoever has seen me has seen the Father” (John 14:9).

And this means, in a deeply personal way for us humans, that the most important, all-encompassing truth of the universe is Jesus, the divine-human. Nothing gets bigger than the fact that Jesus is real and what he stands for.

What We Say

To live for the glory of God is to witness to the glory of Jesus. There is no way that we can glorify God by getting around Jesus. It doesn’t happen. We live for God’s glory by saying something about his Son. So then, what do we say?

We say, in word and deed, that Jesus is the supreme satisfaction of our souls.

That, like nothing else, exalts Jesus as the unique, glorious Savior that he is. The gnawing hunger of the human heart, the deepest part of us, indulges its feast only in his beauty. The insatiable search for where we belong finds its home only in his love. The tireless toil to earn God’s favor reaches its rest only in his grace.

This is the meaning of life: to live each day to experience and show Jesus as the supreme satisfaction of our souls. Now, does this work?

Putting It to Work

We must press in here. Is this answer something we can rally around? Does it hold steady even through the roller coaster of real-life circumstances?

It emphatically does, and does so not despite diverse circumstances, but throughthem.

In fact, it is the various situations of our lives that invite us to witness to the abundance of Jesus’s glory. It is through the gains and losses, triumphs andsetbacks, that Jesus shows himself enough for us. Suffering isn’t a footnote to the true meaning of our lives, but the path for actually realizing the true meaning. When we suffer, it’s because God has brought us there to show that Jesus is of surpassing worth, that his hope is beyond all comparison, that his nearness is enough (Philippians 3:8; 2 Corinthians 4:17; 2 Timothy 4:17–18).

Suffering isn’t a footnote to the true meaning of our lives, but the path for actually realizing the true meaning.Tweet

The meaning of life is to experience and show Jesus as the satisfaction of our souls — and feeling that, showing that, saying that, living that, is the one thing we can rally around at all costs. This is the one thing that we can say, faithfully: “I want that, whatever it takes.”

To me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. . . . I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.(Philippians 1:21; 3:8)

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