Preparing. Another story, this one pre-cancer.

"Trusting God completely means having faith that God knows what is best for your life. You expect him to keep his promises, help you with problems, and do the impossible when necessary." Rick Warren

Think for a minute about what you are planning at this moment. I used to be such a planner. I was always super organized and ahead of the game. I spent so much time and energy preparing for the next life event. I think I've probably wasted away precious time being prepared, even when it never went how I planned. It's an amazing reality to know that even in our human preparedness, God is over all, fabricating for us exactly what we need. We often think things don't go our way, or the way we want them to go, but over time we see a much more crystal clear view, the one where God was preparing the way for us all along, just exactly the way it should go. The way that is best. He's always providing, always caring, always loving. 

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! Psalm 34:8

What has been prepared you for in this day? And what can we trust him with that we can't let go of? I have, over the past year, been able to let go of much control I thought I had in life. Maybe for me it came easier because it wasn't my choice, many things had to be let go of. The sacrifice though is the same, trusting that God knows whats best for me. 

The way God prepares, and the walk sometimes we must go through is not always easy.  I actually now am living testimony that often it takes real hard for us to be able to give up control, and  to be willing to submit to a greater purpose. An easy road ahead was never promised to anyone, and I have wondered about what things I am preparing for vs. what God is preparing me for. What is a guarantee though is the security on the other side, the larger, more beautiful promised life. It's worth the deep valleys of life to be able to see the view from the mountain tops. I know this now. Trusting is worth it. 

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

"I will go before you
and will level the mountains;
I will break down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.
I will give you treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name."
(Isaiah 45:2-3, New International Version)

It was just about 9 months before my diagnosis. I remember it so clearly. Kev's job had some major change. It was all of the sudden, our of nowhere, going in a different direction than we thought. It was a disappointing and heartbreaking change. What we thought was our plans wasn't anymore. I've barely seen my husband at a breaking point, just a few times in our lives, this happened to be one of those times. I remember days of talking, wondering, questioning. Without too much information on everything, we experienced a low time in our lives. A time of expectation lost in what we had thought was going to be for us. Very quickly as his new job and new responsibilities evolved we went easily with the flow. Praying and asking God to direct us through the new adjustment for him. Knowing we had no other plans to trust that this was what would be best. Meanwhile, we tried not to be disappointed in the way we planned life vs. what God had in store for us. Oh if we could only see the future. In the feeling of loss in this job change if only we could have known how we were being protected. Kev's responsibilities of managing an office while also being in sales was a lot before,  but he was doing it well. With his new job he was no longer in charge of office duties, among other time consuming things. His schedule changed in many ways. He did not realize how much of a blessing this could soon become. Change is hard, but sometimes once we adjust it's so good. He got quickly into the flow of his new job and we trusted that God had this in the plans for our life even though this was not how we saw it. We walked through one day at a time trying not to question why things had gone this way. 

Fast forward several months and we are in the swing of things again. We started realizing the change for Kev could be good. He had more time to focus on what he better liked to focus on, do the part of his job that he enjoyed more. He was able to work from home and from the hospitals, no more office.  He still had an amazing team of men working along side of him, whom he considers great friends. We still wondered why, for Kev it was hard to not think about the what-ifs. (God was about to define and answer all those questions) Kev was becoming thankful for the way things had worked out, when we were so shocked in our selfish disappointment. Almost like this was all planned out for him, and why did we think less than that? He could almost squeeze into this new job taking care of sick wife and 4 little kids...little did we know...He was preparing for our family what change was about to come. 

It wasn't until a few weeks after my diagnosis that it was clear as day to us. I remember one of our drives to UPENN just looking at each other in utter disbelief. Seriously? How could all of this, picked out for me, God protecting us so well in it, be any more clear. So much of the change in his job, was the best for our family. The stress of his job before on our family over the past many months would have looked completely different. Tying to manage working and being the main caregiver would have been impossible, or felt impossible. (God would have still provided, we now completely trust that) Instead though, he never had to leave my side. He was able to pick up slack at home when I went through my surgeries and treatment. The only appointments he missed were elective ones where he knew I was taken by a great friend. I look back now and it is all so clear. The things and the way everything changed was all being done for our family for a certain reason. God was preparing us for what was to come, a much harder more difficult season, but one where Kev would be able to walk through it all with me holding my hand. In our devastation and our questioning the future we were actually being taken care of way more than we could wrap our shallow minds around. 

This is just another part of the way God in our story has been significant. It's always in our selfishness that we get angry because things were not how we wanted them. If only I could always trust completely. Looking back we would have never questioned the change if we knew the good it was about to bring. That part is called faith I guess. Trusting the plan and the future we cannot see. Look what can be done if we do that. In scary times we cling to what we know, what we have, and that is the only way we know how. I'm never going to tell anyone how to do that right. I simply want to work on living a life trusting more, giving up more, caring less about the less important, and walking through days where I'm thankful for today. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

    and do not lean on your own understanding.

 In all your ways acknowledge him,

 and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6