Doing well, all things compared

I've wanted to post an update for a few days. Everyone I see and everywhere I go everyone wants to know how I'm doing. I smile, say I'm doing well. I am. I actually would have a hard time complaining about anything after I know what a year can bring. So I'm not to grumble in this post. It's just the long version of the question everyone wants to know. How are you? I've grown to know that as much as everyone wants to know about me, I want to know about you too friends. How you REALLY are?

My sister showed up unexpectedly for a whole week and left today. She was here for the 4th, she has lived with us, walked through hard with us in life and my cancer journey. Her being here, to help me, to talk with, to love us, to entertain the kids, was a blessing. Amazing how just when I was getting tired last week, God knew I would need some reserves. He's taking care friends. And of you too, so just always be aware, I'm afraid to ever loose sight. I had a day last week before she got here where I was unsure how my stamina would allow me to keep up with my 4 busy babies. I want to be with them, I want to do life right now just hanging out with them. As soon as I let myself for a moment feel weary, God provided. I should have all along known to trust He won't let me out of his grasp. It was the next morning I woke up to a text from my sis saying she was on her way. Thank you sis. My joyful blessing and angel on earth the last 7 days.

I spoke with my oncologist today just to follow up about several things. I was thankful after I got off the phone that I didn't have to drive 2 hours and was well enough that a phone call would suffice. We decided on a couple things that may help my thrush, and she's giving me through the weekend to see if there is any improvement. If not I will have to take some medication that interacts with some other meds I'm on, so that is not the best option. But its ok. Its been an ongoing annoyance. I have a couple days of doing ok and then I can feel it coming back. Really though, all things compared, I can't complain. I can still breathe, eat, smile, laugh, sing praises, I'm thankful for my mouth. My leg pain is bothering me, and I'm trying to walk some. Getting a few minutes of movement is so good for circulation, it makes me feel better, and emotionally will be helpful too, but the pain from the nerve damage is still very much there and hard to deal with. She wants me to adjust my nerve medication and so we are going to take a huge jump up in dose and see if we can touch the pain at all. If this does nothing we will go from there. Really though, all things compared, I can't complain. I still have my leg, I can walk, jump, chase my kids. I'm thankful for my leg. The stress on my body throughout the whole past year has been so much and I have had issues with my stomach, digestion, and heartburn. She feels like some of the meds I've been consistently on throughout treatment we can try to wean off, so we will give that a go too. I have a mole that needs to be removed asap. I am trying not to be paranoid but welcome to what I would rather call "hyper-vigilant". I am trying to get my specialist to see me in her schedule of no open appointments so I will get in soon. I will feel better once its gone. It's just another part of this journey for me. Getting things taken off, and if ever it was Melanoma again, heaven forbid, it would be caught early. My skin is not anymore what worries my oncologist, what we are watching ever so close for now are all my insides, organs, brain etc. All those places Melanoma likes to rear.

I'm reminded every day at the first waking breath, that God has sustained me. Not because I deserve it, or because of what I did yesterday (because that is nothing remarkable for sure these days) but because he loves me so well, and because there is much I have left here to do, today. I honestly feel like every morning after reading my Jesus Calling, I give myself a little pep talk, and we get up and go. Me and Jesus, we do today.

 "I’ll be with you as you do this, 

day after day after day, 

right up to the end of the age.” 

Matthew 28:20 (msg)

In what little energy I have these days I feel burdened like never before for the hurting among me. It was always there, but I never resonated with the hurting like I do now.  Friends we are all hurting, just to all different degrees and to different circumstances. In my newly gained life perspective, of walking through hard suffering myself, I can now genuinely hug and tell a person I know that feeling.  I don't completely know what to do with my thoughts, but I do know that God will use this part of my suffering to walk with others through theirs. Not just me, but I do pray this for Kevin and for my babies also. Cancer has changed so many things for our family. I do trust that some of those changed are good and will be used. I don't want feeling heavy for the hurting to be a burden in itself, but something that I will now live keenly aware of as I walk through every day; taking every breath with no promise of tomorrow. 

“Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?" ("For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.") Matthew 16:25

*Dave Zuleger "God Brings us Suffering for Other's Sake" I’ve been humbled again and again watching my wife — after years of chronic pain — selflessly serve other sufferers behind the scenes. She has always been compassionate, but through her suffering, she is now always moving towards others’ suffering because she knows the pain and the struggles. She knows when to encourage. She knows when to simply groan with someone. God has comforted her so that she can comfort others. It is all his grace in her pain. It is all his strength in her weakness. He deserves all the glory, and yet he still means to use her to accomplish his purpose of comforting others. God means for us to not let our suffering become an excuse to keep our weakness hidden or to just focus on ourselves. Rather, we show a beautiful display of the gospel and of the very comfort of Christ as we let others in to see our weakness in order to say Christ’s strength is strong enough for them — their weakness, their pain, their suffering. We beautifully display the goodness of the gospel as we turn our eyes upward to God and then outward to others to be his means of comfort for them. Then, we will redeem our suffering — or better, we will realize one of God’s good purposes for it. We must be ready to share our comfort in the midst of suffering, because God’s glory is at stake and because the sufferers are many.

So with all said, I am doing well. It's hard for me to say honestly everything is good because it depends on what your scale of good is. My scale is forever changed. I am forever thankful for today, and these moments. Without that always in the forefront of my mind my blog about how I am doing would look different.  I do feel like I have trained my brain a little to not think too deeply about life circumstances and just to over-ride with joy thoughts. That is how I will have to survive this life, its the only way I will be able to enjoy everyday, by trusting and truly giving it up to God. C.S. Lewis said, "There are two kinds of people; those who say to God 'Thy will be done' and those to whom God says, 'Alright then, have it your way.'" My people it's hard to go through some days, it's hard to face reality and what the next thing is when we don't even know what that means, but it's really not hard at all to give up all control, we aren't in the drivers seat anyway. I don't know why it took me these life circumstances to realize so much and give up so little.

"...I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

"Doesn't God's Word come to us like a soft rain shower, dispelling the fury of the flames? Isn't it like fireproof armor, against which the heat is powerless? Then let afflictions come, for God has chosen me. Poverty, you may walk through my door, but God is already in my house, and He has chosen me. Sickness, you may intrude into my life, but I have a cure standing ready—God has chosen me. Whatever occurs in the valley of tears, I know He has chosen me." Charles Spurgeon