My four walls

I'm sitting here in my office.

The four walls today seem like they are closing in.
It's high anxiety time.
If you truly asked me yesterday I would say I have felt better this time around better than any of the ones the past 3 years.

But something overwhelming raged today. It hasn't happened in 6 months. It was the baggage of what cancer left and what it looks like still sifting though. It's the relationships, the overwhelming financial weight, it's the medicated  pain, the heartbreak, and anxiety that for some reason remains as a stabbing thorn.

But then I look around. My walls are filled with God's promises. Yellow, feathers, verses. Radiant Hope, HOPE. Pictures of the ones who carried me. There are clocks that mark the time of the day each of my babies were set into my arms, and bulletin boards of their notes and project. Then what starts to close in, is the deep deep thankful heart. Then what is overwhelming is the love God had for me when he "picked me up and made a way".  Oh Im so thankful for his grace, and patience with me. What is all around me is so much better than I could have ever asked or imagined. Sometimes I just need to open my eyes to see it. It's right in front of me.

Tuesday the walls will close in again. But they will be walls in a hospital room, walls inside a scan machine where I breathe in and out prayers that with every breath he's given me he's breathing out cancer cells so none are evident. I will lay in his arms, the bed of feathers I set my sights on every time. "He will cover you and under his wings you will find refuge".  Tears will fall as IV's are set and drugs administered, barium will upset my stomach and makes me nauseated all day. I will be mad at cancer and how it's hurting so many I have loved in their own battles. Conversations of reality will ensue and we will learn something new and encouraging from one of the best doctors in the melanoma world.

Those walls that seem to close in, will fall.

 "the God who builds a road right through the ocean,

    who carves a path through pounding waves,

The God who summons horses and chariots and armies—

    they lie down and then can’t get up;

    they’re snuffed out like so many candles:

“Forget about what’s happened;

    don’t keep going over old history.

Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.

    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?

There it is! I’m making a road through the desert,

    rivers in the badlands." Isaiah 43

He causes those walls to fall friends. He comes in and what I see is closing in but what He sees is perfect love. Would you pray with us friends. Here we go again. I set my sights higher than my circumstances. I look to a God with a bigger plan than mine. I have no fear. He moves mountains and causes Giants to fall.  I open up vulnerable and humble. Knowing that without the prayers of his saints I wouldn't be where I am today. Healed and whole. Thank you.

We really are doing so well. Just are given the gift of walking through a perspective shift every so often. We really do cherish that as our reality...

"And we are standing here only because you made a way"