Broken
Its hard to articulate for me the emotional ride going through cancer treatment. The days where I feel loved, the days I feel alone, the days that are hard, the days that are slept away. Physically is another whole aspect and mix the two together and most nights I go go sleep I'm an exhausted mess. My bests and of course my husband can attest to this. The last few days have been extra hard emotionally for Kev and I. There has been bouts of fear and moments of me feeling despair and at a loss. We experienced some moments we have not dealt with emotionally yet. God has been near though, and we do not feel for one second that our fear or despair comes from lacking any trust in him, so we pray it away and "we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen". I've spent the last couple days wondering what the scale of broken can be for all of us....
If when you become a Christian you write a big red "LOSS" across all the things in the world except Christ, then when Christ calls you to forfeit some of those things, it is not strange or unexpected. The pain and the sorrow may be great. The tears may be many, as they were for Jesus in Gethsemane. But we will be prepared. We will know that the value of Christ surpasses all the things the world can offer and that in losing them we gain more of Christ.
I've written so many times about how my new walk has allowed me to resonate with so many new crowds of people. Maybe not exactly so many but more of those who are struggling and broken in a cancer fight. It was that first walk into the cancer center that struck me. I am now with people I would have never been with before. We have something, a thing that will bring us together. The list is unending and similarities SO different yet SO the same.
Did any of this exist a few short months ago, no. Although I consider it a gift now. The people God puts in our lives, they are gifts.
Do you have to take lots of medications for life? Me too.
Do you or have you struggled with depression and anxiety? Me too.
Have you been given a life changing diagnosis? Me too.
Have you see God work in miraculous grace giving ways? Me too.
Have you lost someone who's walked along side of you through your pain and struggle? Today... Me too.
See it's not simple, it's so complicated, trying to pick up life's pieces and move forward. I have come along side some of the strongest and most encouraging women I've ever met. Women who know this fight and who have given all their trust and confidence in it to Christ. These friends aren't the same as the friends along side of me in other walks of life, these friends are the ones who can tell me how hard it is, how bad it sucks, but how strong we are. We lost one of these women today and I'm heartbroken. We are all fighters but like a friend said to me today, there is something we already share when we are in this cancer world together, it's like we already knew each other more Intimately than some of the friends I've had for years. She was before me and knew and walked through so many of the emotions and hard she knew was coming for me. She was encouraging and real, and we even shared one email about how bad this sucked and how we loved we had the freedom to say it to each other. As I struggled with this news, the hard life, asking why, understanding purpose, I was simply reminded that none of this is any suprise to God. Our days are numbered by him the author of his story. Oh and he speaks to us, " my good and faithful servant I'm bringing you home" isn't that what the purpose of our lives are meant for? I sit here and try to understand it but in reality I already know, when God has brought someone to their eternal home it is becuse their purpose for this life he created then was perfectly fulfilled. How much more significance do we need. That is not for one second going to make losing someone easy, but it brings peace. This is actually so real and maybe the hardest part to loosing someone who gave you strength is realizing that so much of our stories are the same. Then the floodgates, then the emotions, then the hurt, not for me, but for all of her people. You never know what impact you will make on someones life, sometimes a few simple words, sometimes a lifetime of friendship, but my friends you will make an impact.
If when you become a Christian you write a big red "LOSS" across all the things in the world except Christ, then when Christ calls you to forfeit some of those things, it is not strange or unexpected. The pain and the sorrow may be great. The tears may be many, as they were for Jesus in Gethsemane. But we will be prepared. We will know that the value of Christ surpasses all the things the world can offer and that in losing them we gain more of Christ.
John Piper
"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3
I've written so many times about how my new walk has allowed me to resonate with so many new crowds of people. Maybe not exactly so many but more of those who are struggling and broken in a cancer fight. It was that first walk into the cancer center that struck me. I am now with people I would have never been with before. We have something, a thing that will bring us together. The list is unending and similarities SO different yet SO the same.
Did any of this exist a few short months ago, no. Although I consider it a gift now. The people God puts in our lives, they are gifts.
Do you have to take lots of medications for life? Me too.
Do you or have you struggled with depression and anxiety? Me too.
Have you been given a life changing diagnosis? Me too.
Have you see God work in miraculous grace giving ways? Me too.
Have you lost someone who's walked along side of you through your pain and struggle? Today... Me too.
See it's not simple, it's so complicated, trying to pick up life's pieces and move forward. I have come along side some of the strongest and most encouraging women I've ever met. Women who know this fight and who have given all their trust and confidence in it to Christ. These friends aren't the same as the friends along side of me in other walks of life, these friends are the ones who can tell me how hard it is, how bad it sucks, but how strong we are. We lost one of these women today and I'm heartbroken. We are all fighters but like a friend said to me today, there is something we already share when we are in this cancer world together, it's like we already knew each other more Intimately than some of the friends I've had for years. She was before me and knew and walked through so many of the emotions and hard she knew was coming for me. She was encouraging and real, and we even shared one email about how bad this sucked and how we loved we had the freedom to say it to each other. As I struggled with this news, the hard life, asking why, understanding purpose, I was simply reminded that none of this is any suprise to God. Our days are numbered by him the author of his story. Oh and he speaks to us, " my good and faithful servant I'm bringing you home" isn't that what the purpose of our lives are meant for? I sit here and try to understand it but in reality I already know, when God has brought someone to their eternal home it is becuse their purpose for this life he created then was perfectly fulfilled. How much more significance do we need. That is not for one second going to make losing someone easy, but it brings peace. This is actually so real and maybe the hardest part to loosing someone who gave you strength is realizing that so much of our stories are the same. Then the floodgates, then the emotions, then the hurt, not for me, but for all of her people. You never know what impact you will make on someones life, sometimes a few simple words, sometimes a lifetime of friendship, but my friends you will make an impact.
Monday's are hard, I've started to see an emotional trend as these weeks have gone on. I'm trying to get myself prepared for another week ahead and I'm still not good at either physically or emotioanlly knowing limits or the right way to navigate. What I do know about the past couple days is God has kept me. Faithful servants have reached out when I needed words, friends have been here when I didn't even think I would need them. Kev has served tirelessly through my sleepy weekend and through these harder couple days. It's when I'm most broken that God provides and picks life's pieces up and puts it all together.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
In other news, today I gained a new nephew. The most precious little life. There is just the most beautiful thing about a new life that is so so precious me, not that it wasn't before. A new beginning, a fresh new little God breathed life, I mean it brings tears just imagining what God can accomplish with one little soul. Baby Abraham, you are a gift to me, so that today I could see, the beauty and perfection of one of Gods greatest gifts. Children and new life. I pray I get to walk along side of you and your brothers and see you grow up to be a strong and beautiful God fearing man. I love you.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every move was laid out before a single day had passed. Psalm 139:15-16
I just told my injection a little while ago. I'm tucked in my bed wrapped in my heat blanket ready to fight for another week. Pray along side of us friends, the journey is not easy and is tiring. When I am not able God provides. Love you all and thankful for you.
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