My friend

I just left my friends house. My best friend. My sister. I keep telling myself this is a day like any other. A normal day. What is normal anymore anyway? Our "new normal". We say that a lot these days.

I stayed with her today. Not because we wanted to hang out, even though I forever & always want to hang out with her, but because she's getting treatments...for cancer. And I was helping her live life today.

I am ok. I am doing ok. It's cold. There is snow on the road. Then this song, You Make Me Brave (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hi-VMxT6fc) comes on & I am sobbing. Sobbing so hard I can't catch my breath. My friend, my unbelievably brave friend. I don't want to cry. Crying makes it too real. Crying feels so sad.  I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want her to be sad anymore. Someone texts me & I am distracted & so I wipe my eyes. Take some deep breaths. I have to pick my son up at school. I have to be okay. We ALL have to be okay. I can't even count the number of times I have said that to someone or to myself these last few months.

                      

Sometimes I remember back to when we cried about things like  -  surprise pregnancies. I long for those days again, but then the thought that we wasted tears on those things makes me shake my head. Oh if we had only known.... I do know though. I have been here before. It wasn't with my sister though, but my brother. My flesh & blood brother. It was because of that experience that I realized it isn't even cancer that is the scary thing. Even though it is so unimaginably scary. It's the fear that cancer brings. The unknown. Oh & the fear. The fear. The fear that stays long after the cancer is gone. And the vulnerability. You are no longer safe it screams. You aren't untouchable like you thought you were.

My #3 & her #4

“Interestingly enough, the most-asked question in the whole Bible - from Genesis to Revelation -  is “How long, O Lord, how long?” And the most repeated command from God is “Do not fear” or “Do not be afraid.” The people of God consistently cry out for relief, and the God of love bids us trust him.”  Scotty Smith from Objects of His Affection

I love the hugs, the questions, the messages from my sweet friends & hers. But I hate them too. Because this isn't her story. This isn't our story. It's not how it's supposed to go. It's supposed to be filled with laughter, adventures, babies, , lots of baking (we love to bake), summer nights catching lightning bugs & roasting marshmallows, cold winter days playing in the snow & drinking hot chocolate. Not cancer.

It changes you. I remember that. It's a good change. No it's an unreal, desperately needed, you will never be the same kind of change. Because maybe you believed in God before. Maybe what you heard & what you read sounded good, maybe great even. But in that deep deep dark ugly pain - when you imagined you might abandon him if it got to that - you realize He is all you have. He's all you've ever had really. And you realize...He is still good. And He is still there.  Not only is He there but He sends these Angels. Many of whom you've never met & will never know. And you watch them shower her with their love. With their prayers & their gifts & their goodness. Overwhelming goodness. And their goodness splashes on you. It's the kind of gift you feel you don't deserve & you will never ever ever be able to repay. Never.  You feel wrapped in this blanket of incredible love and warmth. You see this new & hopeful & amazing side of humanity. Amidst this horrendous ache. And somehow it lessons the blows a little.

 “If you could only see how close I am to you and how constantly I work on your behalf, you would never again doubt that I am wonderfully caring for you.” Sarah Young from Jesus Calling

                   

One day at a time. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. You remind yourself of this. You remind her of his. You remind each other of this when it feels overwhelming.  When this feels overwhelming. Because life is more than us. She reminds me, "We leave it all here there's not one thing eternal". We can't see the big picture. We want to. Oh how we desperately want to. But we can't so we just have to hold on. We hold on & He holds us & we breath.

                    

         

 “Is anyone crying for help? GOD is listening, ready to rescue you. If your heart if broken, You’ll find GOD right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.” Psalms 34:17-18