Here we go again..

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust"

Psalm 91:1-2

I wish I could go back... To dec 19th. Often In my mind I wish I could go back to the first weekend on August. Lake house with my husband and our best life friends. It was like the calm before the storm. Living life without a care in the world. It still feels like yesterday but it was months ago... That's where my irrational spinning head has me some days. Holy crap, this has been quite a pulsate of a half year I wonder what's next? If I fought through this much I can keep pushing. Bring it. I tell myself where joy has been before it will come again. Seek Joy it's all around me, Jesus never let myself get to a place where I don't see it. 

Thinking of going back is not for regret but because the moments were so sweet that soaking them in a second time would be that much sweeter. I would go back. There is security in the known and fear in the unknown. Sometimes after chaos we long for normal as we settle back into mundane routine. This time my new normal is fighting an unfathomable beast, just give me some more distraction and chaos! I move into the moments ahead grabbing Jesus and going through the motions, not knowing how sweet they will be when I look back but knowing that is the only way we get through.  Guess that is always true in hard, easy, chaos, and mundane.  And that's why God gives us moments of Joy and of feeling his presence so we have the strength to move into the unknown with confidence. Sometimes and somedays we have to search for these, somedays these things and moments are overflowing. I keep telling myself, seek him, find them, rest there. 

And this mountain that's in front of me will be thrown into the midst of the sea...through it all my eyes are on you...through it all it is well...let go my soul and trust in him (bethel music)

Today was chaotic. Goodness, somehow I need to get used to living life without a plan. This keeps happening to me. I was ready, kids taken care of, excited for my "husband day" and ready to get a plan. Then this little thing called snow (which may I add is my favorite thing in the whole world, a snowy lazy day) and chaos ensued. I was not ready. Plans for the kids had to change, we needed to leave earlier, who would get the kids off the bus, then it was the "I had this plan" my stresses arose, I am maxed and then my emotions overflowed and I was this huge anxious mess. Details worked out, I knew God had a hold just was me who didn't. How human of me. 

Through the winter wonderland we arrived safe at UPENN. You would think I was used to walking into that cancer clinic, one day I will write about that, for now I walk in and feel nauseated. I think the three week break I just had was the longest amount of time since August 7th that I have not seen an oncologist. There was a little anxiety about getting back. 

The doctors ran past the check out into the infusion lab and my heart sank, I didn't even hear the question the receptionist asked me, I was just praying, "oh God be with my fellow cancer warrior getting some terrible drug that's killing and saving them in infusion, peace, where is that peace, hope they are ok..." Kev snapped me out of my wondering, I think he knew exactly what was going on in my head. I pray for this overwhelming feeling of love for those needing it and I know those moments, my heart just goes...

 Blood work was a struggle today. You can tell from the pic.  I told Kev no more of this nonsense, I have a favorite there and I'm seeing her everytime. Done. Today it wasn't easy, had to be poked a few times, super painful, super annoying. Again why am I not used to this, it's needles and I'll never be. You would think friends, 4 knee surgeries or was it 5?, 4 babies, and now cancer, I need to get a grip right?

Seeing the doctor was great. We talked forever asked so many questions, I think we checked up on her college degree with the way we talked today. I think I needed to hear the purpose in this again, the reasons I am so normal, for a stage 3 melanoma patient. Needed to hear her say this is the last chance and we will stop with any reaction she doesn't think is safe. I am going down to the lowest dose we can make. There is no option after this. If my body cannot tolerate this, then it cannot tolerate the drug and it will then be safest for me to not be taking it. She reassured me there is much we have not had to process through yet, and for now to just keep my focus on sylatron and not be overcome with figuring out my life maintaining cancer. We talked about being safe with the nasty germs everywhere. As long as my white blood counts are ok, my immune system is ramped, but to expect if I did get anything it could be worse for me since I'm already in overdrive, hence why my body feels bad. We will be hermits anyway this season so doing less isn't a sacrifice right now. All my levels look good and safe, meaning we are at a good starting point again. 

The fight in me is exhausted. I know I can do this though. I know when I am weakest God is strong to carry me. Tonight I am weak, hard day, long day, scary medicine. Feeling at my limits and feel like I don't know how to do any of this. Looking back through all these hard nights, times, moments, surgeries, I see him, he's right here. Closer than he's ever been. "the more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see my power and glory in the situation." Jesus calling. 

So we do tonight what seems the impossible. I will take the shot with my team by my side. I will take lots of drugs, drink as much water as I can, and go to sleep in prayer and hope that my body fights while I sleep and I don't wake with any terrible side effects. Tonight and tomorrow will be hard, pray with me. 

You love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me. 

Read some encouragemt that helped me crawl through this day... From some of my biggest supporters. Thanks for today you carried me. 

Praying for you.... 2 Timothy 1:7. For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love.... May God's spirit come over you with all power and a deep sense and peace that He loves you.... No Reserves, No Retreats, No Regrets....

Thinking about you today ❌⭕️❌⭕️

Don't be stressed. Tons of people to help ok. Deep breaths it will all work out. I'm here. I have no plans. we can even spend the night. You are doing so awesome friend. I know this is so hard but you are doing So amazing!! We will get through this. We will. Love you. 

Know you are on your way to penn. I'm sure lots of nerves. Just passing on my love and fav verse Phil 4:6-7. Put it on repeat. xoxoxo. 

One week, one shot at a time.  God has provided everything that you needed up to this point, He will continue, and all will fall into place

Blanketing you in prayer today and asking God to give you peace in whatever your next steps may be. Love you friend!