So far so good...

God is in every tomorrow, 

Therefore I live for today, 

Certain of finding at sunrise, 

Guidance and strength for my way;

Power for each moment of weakness, 

Hope for each moment of pain, 

Comfort for every sorrow, 

Sunshine and joy after rain

-Streams

Do you ever sit and think, is this it? Is this the life they have been talking about for me? Could this be my new manageable reality? I know that even though I sit here and think this, it could all change at a moments notice, but so could anything for any of us. And then I go right back to this circle in my head of telling myself its ok, no one is promised tomorrow, take one moment at a time, and slowly take baby steps on the path that lies before me. repeat. and again.



The last injection last week and the injection yesterday went well. Its hard to go to sleep knowing that pretty much the flu is upon me and I could wake at any moment with untolerable symptoms. I have had the worst with this medicine so far, so there is no fear that I don't know what might come. The dose I am on now is 8 times lower than where I started, and for this dose to work is expected. Everyones body handles the drug different and there is no way for anyone to figure this out without messing around with dosage and body response. Is there a possibility, after almost feeling defeated, that this could work for me? That is another bittersweet thought, which is so much of life for me right now. Should I rejoice that I might have the chance at now being on this terrible drug for a long time, or should I wish that it didn't work out so that I would be able to feel good again. I can't make up my mind can I? There is some purpose in taking this and so I hope and trust that as we move on, the extent to how many doses I get and the cumulative side effects aren't too much for my body to handle. Here we are today, I'm feeling some exhaustion, but ok. I tolerated the second shot so far and it's in my body and working, and I hope that this week is ok too. Thats all we think about, not thinking ahead and not planning past tomorrow. The cumulative effects have a mind of their own. So do any and all side effects as we have already witnessed.

It seems that again God has worked things our for us. This surprise should come to no one. If you have read any of my updates so far you have been able to see his goodness and his protection through this scary and just plain stink situation we are walking through. Our sweet Lizz has been able to adjust her hours at her other job and be able to be here with me and the kids 3 days a week. Her and Eric, her hub, sat in our kitchen and told us they were ready and willing to take on what we may need in order to bless our family. They had been praying about it, and felt like God has given them both peace knowing that at this time for us, they want to be along side of us. I've broken down many times thinking about God's provision, but here I am again acting like I'm surprised at how they have come into our lives, been our friends, she lived here for weeks this summer before their marriage, and  "somehow" this worked out. God is looking at me and just saying, "oh Jo, this has all been figured out and planned way before now, just relax and see I am here and have this all mapped out for you".

Jeremiah 29:11For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

"I shifted my focus into God. His glory was at stake, and that made my satisfaction in him (not satisfaction with "the way things were" ) the real issue. It was no longer a matter of being content with his plan for my life; it was a matter of finding him utterly and supremely the source of all contentment. This, much to my delight, would give him the greatest glory."- Joni Eareckson Tada

Lizz and Eric have been part of our lives for a long time. She was right here when we heard the worst news, they picked up and supported us where they could and when they could. It was just the day before their wedding, that we had looked forward to for so long, that I had my first surgery. I managed to get there with help and that day will forever be in my memory. Another blessing of Joy in the midst of sorrow and pain, where God fills us when we need it and carries us through when we don't have the strength. 

Why do I ever question again his timing and his perfection? We are human and until no end will our nature cause us to question. Again and again I am struck with the realization that this waste of time should be put on other things, that while we try to solve problems and try to tell ourselves to trust, we are wasting away again the gifts that are already here and right in front of us. This all could change tomorrow and I will deal with the next thing when it has come. I can only say that tonight as I write in my exhaustion and confusion, emotions and feelings, that I know the happenings of tomorrow are only going to be news to me. I had a good day and handled the medicine well the last 24 hours. Last week I wasn't able to eat much and didn't feel well, but with some new medication those side effects have subsided and for these things I am grateful. 

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Everyday of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.  Psalm 139

"But I have to admit that this is easier to accept in the big picture than it is in the daily details. On the days when life seems good, it is easy to say to God, "every day of my life was recorded in your book." But on the day tragedy strikes, on the day our lives are changed forever by loss, on the day we discovery the infidelity or get the test results or say goodbye for the last time, we wonder, Was this day of my life written in your book by your hand? Is this the story you intended to write for my life, or has there been a terrible mistake?" -Hearing Jesus Speak into your Sorrow. 

I'm still here in the midst of overwhelming storm and I'm not trying to act as though I have it together or a clue of what I'm doing. What I do know is that I am being carried with support by my people, and My God, where I have needs they are being met, and when I am empty I will be filled. I feel like here I am at a whole new begining of what could be a long road and emotionally I cannot process what that looks like, nor do I want to. So thats today, and today is all we have, and we will do tomorrow when tomorrow comes.