Constant Perspective

The last couple days have been filled with emotions. Emotions I don't even really know how to articulate. Once again emotions full of thankfulness and hard all coinciding in this life I live.

The reality our circumstance has struck us this week, sooner than I wanted to think about Melanoma and especially not this time of year. This time of year, yes. When we are running around with our heads cut off trying to cross off every last item and then some on our list of to dos. I don't have time for this,  for hours spent at an oncologist, for tests to be schedules, child care to be arranged. I have parties, and gifts to buy, my family to be present with. I do not need this inconvenience. It's funny though how this inconvenience in my life turns up at these inopportune moments for me to be struck again with what happens to matter most. That Christmas will come no matter if we are "ready" or not. That Jesus came when no one expected, and most were blind to see. That in the midst of a chaotic world, he showed up, to change everything. And the celebration of his birth happening every year to bring us back to the reality of what is most important is exactly what he knew we would need every year.

My leg is swelling a little and I'm in a little pain. And I have come to the realization again that I won't ever even be diagnosed with a sinus infection before brain cancer is ruled out. Sucks yes, reality yes. I am thankful for hyper vigilant doctors, thankful to be on top of labs, and thankful for medical tests that can diagnose and check for all and everything. So with a few conversations with my surgeon, oncologist, and naturopath we want to rule out a few things, before we are complacent with just saying that this will be a new normal for my leg, nerve pain, and swelling. Do I think it is something? No. Do any of my doctors? No. But I no longer live this life in a what do you think diagnosis. So from here I have a few scans and some more labs to make sure we are ok. And this is the life of a Stage 3 melanoma survivor. Survivor, because that's what I'm doing. Surviving this life one day at a time, thankful for so much. For friends who talk us off the cliff, for parents full of love and support, for doctors who are top notch and truly care.

All this being said I feel like I've dealt with some suppressed emotions this week that haven't surfaced in awhile. This is not ever behind me, that's a little depressing. It doesn't take anything for fear to take over every clear thought in my head. It is exhausting discipline to fight all that, and ultimately HOPE in the Lord and everything he has for me. God has chosen specifically this cancer for my life, one that will teach me throughout my life over and over again. My dependence on him will never cease. I think that I had written off thinking about Cancer until Feb when all my big scans are, and then when something like this hits I realize how real all this life is. I realize how quickly what we know and hold onto can change.  This morning I spent with IV's, waiting rooms and scans. I would have rather been at home in front of the Christmas tree with my babies. I am thankful for the perspective though, when I come home after mornings like this, all I want to do is hug and cuddle my people.

So what is this all about? I think I just needed to be grounded again. I think that this will happen over and over again, and God knows when I need to be and the best way to do it. Because with a few oncologist appointments, visiting the cancer clinic, phone calls with doctors, machines and scans, blood tests, needles, and IVs I am quickly remained of how good he is. How he brought me from the pit and rescued me. I understand the hard in my life pales in comparison to what is hard for others. How no matter what my story is or how he continues to use me, that eternity in heaven is how it will all end for me. So I'm ok living this path, waiting on him always, accepting he knows what I need better than me, and I trust I am here for his purpose.
What is it right now, today that could bring you back to the cross? What is it going to take you for some perspective?  For some we are already there, with great perspective. For others of us we need to be reminded of how much this story, the one we are celebrating, really impacts EVERYTHING about our life. 

So I guess I don't share all of this with the whole open public just for a "what's going on in the life of Joanna." I share because I realize what a gift I have in the cross, which would have never happened without a birth, which would have never happened without a gracious and loving God who knew the broken needed to be brought up to life. How he meets us in the mornings we don't want to wake and face the day.
For me this Christmas morning I will celebrate his birth, because it's changed me.
I will celebrate being here and being about to be used everyday I have for his glory.
I will celebrate NED and the realization that those little letters are a gift given to me every day.

"You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again." Psalm 71:20

"Isn’t this what Christmas teaches us more than anything? 

That: God’s greatest mercies often come in the most unexpected packages.

God’s greatest mercies often come in the most unexpected packages.

The Christmas child born in the forgotten little town far away from the hustle and bustle of the earth’s important empires.

Even the little inn didn’t have a room, so He entered the world among the farm animals. And there was very little fanfare.

Yes, some angels did sing, but only some lowly shepherds and their sheep were around to catch a glimpse of the most historic and earth-shattering day in all of eternity.

Yes, some wise men sought Him and brought the Christmas child gifts based off their ancient foretelling and the path of the stars. There were hints along the way, but you couldn’t see it without looking.

The announcement was there, but you had to catch it. You had to care. What if instead of worrying about the 10,000 things we have to do this Christmas season, we spent it looking for more of the 10,000 things God is already doing in our lives? 

There are endless treasures (Ephesians 3:8) that have come to us in the Christmas child, but how often are we too busy to notice?

God wants us to have faith in His nearness, and that He will reward us when we earnestly seek Him (Hebrews 11:6)."

Matt Brown on One Thousand gifts blog