It hits me hard again...

It hits me so hard. I have a few good weeks and then all of the sudden it hits me extremely hard. Im struggling with treatment again this week. My blood counts are low and I can feel it now. When I feel like this I just want to be done. A fog is keeping me from seeing real purpose in taking this really hard drug and I feel no quality in feeling this terrible. It's really the most unbelievable feeling of exhaustion ever. Although I start sleeping all the time, it feels as if I haven't slept in days. I get to this point and I just want it all to go away. I want to feel good again. I want to wake up and just do life like I thought. I know thats not real, not really for anyone, but I do think this way often. 

I have to take a break from treatment again this week. It seems like maybe 3 weeks in a row could be as much as I can tolerate before my body can't take anymore. My doctor thinks that is ok for right now. I go to UPENN next week so we will decide then if we can restart after this weeks break. Until then I have a week to rest, try to recoup and rebuild back some strength and stamina. 

STAMINA: The ability to sustain prolonged physical or mental effort.

One year ago this weekend I ran my first half marathon. I trained for months, hurt myself like usual, and accomplished a fun and exciting goal. I did it with a couple of my best friends and we had the most fun time. It was empowering to see over 15,000 women accomplishing something they had worked for. I never really thought I wanted or would be able to do something like that after all my knee surgeries and beat up body, but I did it. I'm not a big race type. I am over competition events they stress me out, I did that way too many years of my life. It took serious stamina and discipline though. I was in arguably the best shape I've been in, or attest in a long time.  I was a college 2 sport athlete and was constantly on the move since as long as I can remember.  I always felt that God gave me the ability to worship him through my talents of being gifted in those ways. It was through athletics that I met my husband, and some of the greatest friends anyone could have. I also coached along side some wonderful people and mentored some amazing young women, who have now been encouraging me.  I have been a part of a great family of athletes because that's what God had for me. Last April I was still able to do much of what I had always been able to do. Will I ever be able to do those things again? I don't know the answer to that, or the answer to many things these days. I do know though that I am so thankful for that experience and the memories that were made that weekend. I do thank God that I know what it feels like to be strong, there are so many that never know that. I am thankful now on these days when I don't want to lift my head off the pillow that there was a day, and will be again, when I will have the stamina to run like the wind, even if it's in 80 years and into his arms.  Most of my days right now are taking way more stamina than running a few miles ever did.

Days seems to go slow yet times goes so fast.  I went from running marathons to running in the race of my life, in a year friends! I feel like I went from being so strong and healthy to being so weak and tired. I try so hard not to compare to what used to be but it's hard because I want to remember sweet memories. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that you may have life, and have it abundantly." John 10:10 Many times memories right now are a picture of the life before cancer and a picture of all that I thought was to be. It's ok that it looks different now,  I'm getting a better hang of this, I am. I do admit though, I'm not sure yet of how not to look at what used to be as better than what is ahead. I guess there is comfort in knowing what was and being able to grab onto that. When there is unknown ahead we have to completely trust everyday of our lives with everything that we have.  That is also where we are forced to grab Jesus, I know if I had a better picture of what lies ahead I would have to trust him less. When I imagine life, or look back and not forward, I am confining God into this little box of what I imagine his ability to be. When I see him as he is and is worthy to be, GREAT things will happen. I do know that.

Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised,

    and his greatness is unsearchable.

Psalm 145:3

                    "Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in

                                        Let love come teach me who You are again

Take me back to the place where my heart was only about You

And all I wanted was just to be with You

Come and do whatever You want to

Further and further my heart moves away from the shore

Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

Further and further my heart moves away from the shore

Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours" Bethel Music

I can't stop thinking about the people of Nepal. They went to bed one night having no idea what would literally earth shake their world the next. I have felt that feeling. Not to the same extent, not at all. But I have felt an earth shattering, shaking your whole world feeling. I think to myself tonight as I fall asleep not knowing what tomorrow brings, do I have all that I need? Yes friends because it's actually that simple, I have him, my creator, and yes that is all I need. That's all anyone NEEDS. The earth is going to shake, tomorrow is going to bring unknowns. Memories are going to fill us and provide hope to a future that is always going to be unstable. Knowing Christ and his grace and love will always keep those earth shattering unstable events from ruining us and who we are meant to be, His. 

"I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back." Philippine 3:13-14 (MSG)

Pray for my body this week while I am on a break. 

Pray as we try to plan ahead that there will be wisdom in making decisions for my treatment and the summer ahead. Kev and I are both confident that God will continue to show us what our needs are and he will have them met. I am feeling unsure of how I'm going to keep life's pace with 4 busy little ones running around all summer. We are going to have to trust that God is going to work everything out just the way this was always supposed to be.