Leave no vacancy

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name 

It is well with my soul

(Bethel Music)

I'm still not used to walking into see an oncologist. I wonder if every single person in that room feels the same.
Today was good. I love my doctors so much. I completely trust their knowledge and guidance as we navigate these unknown waters. My blood work was ok. My white counts are low but ok low. I'm still anemic which means my red counts are low too, which makes me so tired. My thyroid and liver counts and some of those things we are watching really close are still in normal ranges and that's a good thing. I can usually now feel what exactly correlates with what my levels are. As long as everything is not dangerous and low we can continue on according to numbers. Also into consideration is how the rest of my body feels. There has to be some quality of life, and my side effects have to be able to be managed. So we will monitor, and I will fight hard another week with my medicines help. I'm not feeling motivated, I'm feeling worn. It feels like so much. I think I say this every week. 

We talked today about a little more of a plan to be able to handle and better tolerate the treatment ahead. It still is in the best interest, and according to statistics keeping me cancer free, as long as I can keep going. After that we face an unknown territory that's hard to think about right now. So we won't. As long as I'm on the medicine and it's working correctly I can still take breaks to give my body recovery weeks. If we start to see a trend in feeling worse while I'm on "on" weeks and only better at weeks off we will have to reevaluate. That's probably so much to understand, but we are getting a hang of this. There are side effects that come right away and many that build up over time as I continue. My headaches continue, my fatigue and exhaustion continue also.  I don't feel good but I feel ok. I probably won't feel a real relief of much better as long as I continue on because of cumulative side effects. 


This journey is tiring. I can feel the weakness of my body and looking ahead is hard. I'm going to be honest to say that living one day at a time is easier said than done. I'm still not sure how to live moment by moment yet see the future with hope and Joy of blessings to come. Don't get me wrong I see that, it's just hard and foggy sometimes, but I trust that no matter what, my circumstances are not defined by what I see as my plans and my hopes and dreams. Hoping ahead for me should ultimately always be in Joy knowing that no matter how far ahead, it is coming, the promise of Heaven. Some of my people are standing along side of me and totally being my support, talking make-sense words into me, encouraging, and loving. I need that maybe more than at first some days. My brain feels sub par in functioning, so support in talking trough life helps that. There are so many days that don't make sense and I just want to quit the torture of this treatment. I've been a coach in so many ways my whole life. Oldest sister of many, leader on my teams, coach for a college sport, and now mom. I know now that an encourager too needs encouragement. It's weird and humbling. Probably there is a point in everyones life where we switch places, that is good. I'm thankful for being able to see and feel this side of need and it's opened my eyes. 

"You are My beloved child. I chose you before the foundation of the world, to walk with Me along paths designed uniquely for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with Me, instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you. If you trust that My plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment.Your hope and your future are rooted in heaven, where eternal ecstasy awaits you. Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and well-being. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you and spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to Me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and My purposes." Jesus Calling

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

—Proverbs 16:9

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

—Jeremiah 29:11

And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

—Ephesians 1:13–14

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain.

—Hebrews 6:19

I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

—Psalm 16:8

I think I'm doing ok. I took a walk the other night around the neighborhood, the weather change helps me feel a little better. Emotionally I think I went through some really hard things that kept weighing and now, although that weight hasn't been lifted, I feel stable. I try to just do one day at a time and that keeps my vision on what is only at hand and no more. I feel vacant from many positions that I had the responsibility of. Giving up so many things right now is and has been hard but then I remember this is a season. Every part of our lives is a season that will change and end. I also know that I am not at all "vacant" that I am here, for a purpose, and this is me. If I'm spending any time and effort into thinking about what used to be and what isn't anymore, or what my loss is and not where my gain can be, then I'm wasting so much. If we leave any empty space where we are supposed be filing it, then God cannot use us for how he planed and created. I have perfect peace that this was always going to be part of my story and that even tomorrow when I hardly wake up I am right where God needs me to be. I've always believed that part of us was meant to have vacancy, one that only the holy spirit can fill. I can try and try to fill it with many things, but it will always never completely satisfy if its not filled with what I was made for. 

We had such an amazing time with my sister and bro in law for Easter. We took a loooong haul up to Burlington, VT for a long weekend. It was so beautiful up there. I felt well and it was a such needed time for our family. It was the first time we have left Mechanicsburg since my diagnosis. There has been a lot of hard for us over these past many months here in this place. My counselor (yes I see a therapist too, along with take 50 prescriptions) mentioned it was such a good idea for the kids to see good outside of here. It was. It was restful and chaotic, but I'm tired no matter what most days. Distraction and good things to look forward to are great "medicine" for my soul, and for the kids too. They have been struggling a little and that time was such a gift. We went to a beautiful Easter service with awesome worship. I sat there as a stranger to everyone around and first, thought of my Tara as a stranger to a new world in AZ, and second as just a little fish in a big sea. It has become so interesting to me how much of someone is such a mystery. I am curious now. I see a mom at the park and want to know everything about her. I want to wear a T-shirt that just lists my issues so that everyone can feel ok about themselves and their issues. "friends, YOU are fascinating" -Trent Thompson