This felt especially good to write tonight.

"One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts. On the glorious splendor of your majesty, and on your wondrous works, I will meditate. They shall speak of the might of your awesome deeds, and I will declare your greatness. They shall pour forth the fame of your abundant goodness and shall sing aloud of your righteousness." Psalm 145:4-7

I sent off my older two babies this week back to school. 1st and 3rd grade! geez. I teared up a little when I hugged Joy's beautiful teacher and told her I was praying for her, to her replying "I pray for your everyday". Seriously when I got it together after that it was smooth sailing for most of the day. Perhaps it had something to do with that woman I met the day before in church. I have no idea who you are, an angel maybe. God sent perspective and my heart still aches for you. It was this woman that allowed me to be more thankful, and to know the true gifts we have in these littles running around at our feet.

Anyway, I spent my morning before we headed off to UPENN on a walk with my two babies. I can't even believe how lucky I am to spend everyday with these two. We tried to catch butterflies in a huge field, they both ran wild and perhaps would have for a lot longer than I was going to let them. I just kept thinking, there is NO possible way either of them are ever going to catch a butterfly but they will tire endlessly trying to accomplish impossible. Sometimes I just wish I knew but that would take all the trust and life out of it. My doctor today asked me, "How much are you worrying?" and I told her, I just want to know. if it's going to be a life of bad news, I want to know. If I never revisit cancer, I just want to know. It's living life for all of us, with unknowns ahead that is the hardest thing.

She walked in to the room today and told me I was perfect, "You mean my scans are perfect?" ha. We all know very well there is nothing near perfection here. Yes though, my scans look as good as they can look. That is the best news friends. These first several scans are very important and to have this huge hurdle over, is a relief. In some ways I want to jump up and down and I am not sure why I feel like I can't. Maybe I am just still figuring out how to celebrate the good, and not think about the reality. Because this is good, and this is SO worth the celebrating.

In other news my blood work looked only ok. I am VERY anemic which means my red blood count is LOW. My hemoglobin all through treatment was low, but has now gone much lower. So she was concerned with getting this fixed right away. I will take an iron med and in the next few weeks we will check my counts again and see if there is a trend in improvement. If not I will have to do some infusion, but she is so kind and that is the last thing we want to do if we can avoid it because we all know how well I tolerate any type of medical intervention.  The good news is that all the side effects I am having can be explained by being severely anemic. Very tired, very fatigued, dizziness and headaches, ice chewing (to which Kev would say then I should have been anemic for as long as he can remember), and shortness of breath with exhaustion. Obviously being in treatment for as long as I was with the awful drug I was on can wreck havoc on your body, and I am still in recovery. She said to be patient and give myself a year. Hard but good to hear again, I think.

She is so amazing. She's like the best mix of sister, counselor, and smartest person on the planet all in the same human. She told me she was my quarterback (The one who directs and leads) and that for now all my medical care goes through her and by her. That was the best to hear, probably second to news of clear scans :) I guess I am just trying to figure out how to have 5 different specialists at 2 different hospitals and who is in charge of what. So she's in charge, of everything. I will see her again in 6 months, hopefully not sooner. I will have a PET scan then again. Yuck, but necessary. She is comfortable with 2 a year. I am too, clearly who on earth ever wants to do one of those things let alone how ever many I will have  to do in my lifetime. But again, I'm here. So we do these days until we have to think about what comes next. Yay!  I am changing a few meds, stopping a few meds, starting a new med, life continues on. But this is just the life of a recovering cancer patient, thats what I'm going to call it. I'm in rehab and recovery, on my way to "restore to good health" or "restore to good condition" or even better "return to normal or healthy condition". It was hard to feel like this when my treatment was ending because we were unsure of what was ahead, don't get me wrong we still are. Everyone still is. But I think tonight it's safe to say I have 6 months to live my life and be grateful for it. I know there are so many that don't have this on their plate right now, yet have been given a life that seems so hard. I do not discount for one second a path that seems impossible. I have been there. You reading, in your impossible, I think about you every single day. God is bigger than anything coming your way or mine.

Thank you Jesus for a clearer mind after a hard hellacious week, for this gift of NED, and for sustaining me through it. 
Choosing Joy, 
Jo

Ah. So I have the fall, and into the holidays. Time to be. Be with family, and friends. Time to be thankful. Time to repeat what was taken from me for so many months last year knowing how much of a gift each and everyday really is.

"How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy when it is joy that saves us? Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering. The converse does. The brave who focus on all things good and all thing beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world. When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows." Ann Voscamp in One Thousand Gifts