Getting through Day 1 and Day 2

I'm Focusing on getting through the moment and not looking too far ahead. When the goal seems so far away I have to fight the power of the mind to let myself get overwhelmed with what's ahead. I will not lie and say over the last 24 hours I did not cry in pain and anguish and want to quit already. How do we train ourselves to live for a moment in time instead of for what may lie ahead?? I don't know the answer, other than to cling to Christ the one who knows. I can trust that he is big enough to know what's best for me and to know my future. He can give me peace in knowing he is right here with me in life moments and will be in the future too. There is no mistake that this is hard stuff, that cancer totally sucks, but that like so many others I can persevere. 

I was able to take the first shot in the office at UPenn at about 3 yesterday. I was feeling heavy headed and tired on the drive home. Thankfully I was able to get home to spend a few hours with the kids. Then around 7 I started to feel more complications kicking in and got in bed to rest. Then it all hit me hard, like the worst flu I've ever had. Aches, body pains, feverish, chills, headache, nausea and vomiting, and tired. Ha I joked with my "posse" that came with me to my appointment yesterday, "hey what are you doing later tonight?  I'm getting the flu." I finally got a bath and was able to get some relief for the first time. Kev actually wrapped a warm towel around me in a hot bath. I was finally not shaking and could relax. 

The symptoms came and went throughout most the night and I was able to sleep a couple hours at a time. I soaked through outfits but was freezing cold in a heat blanket all night. Today I have been sleepy and achy. And as long as I'm on meds I'm getting through. They told us the first 48 hours are the worst as your body recognizes and get used to the drug ha whatever that means. Then I'm on the highest dose possible for 8 weeks which will be the hardest. I will be monitored very closely watching my liver and white blood counts to make sure it's safe to take my shot every week. After 8 weeks my dose goes down to a maintenance dose for as long as I can last. The goal is 5 years, the average is 14 months. A reasonable goal is probably a year or as long as your body handles it. We went over all the likely side effects such as headaches, severe fatigue, dry mouth, liver problems, nausea, achy, chills, fever, and flu like symptoms, hair thinning or loss, and a list of about 1000 other less likely possible things. I have lots of little friends to help me get though these days and I'm sure some more will come and go along the way. At this point finishing this treatment is the goal and whatever aid I need we manage along the way. 

In the past few months I have known a weakness I never imagined or dreamed I would endure. There is so much teaching about suffering and how it produces good things, endurance, and fruits. I am fighting right now and struggling to see a bigger picture. All I do know is that I am not alone and that there are survivors out there who have suffered much. My strength is not my own and will not be for me to get through these days. Pray for me. Pray for my pain and the way I will feel. Go and be thankful for your health and use your strength to bless someone. Take care of yourself because you do not know the blessings of what suffering may come your way but be strong regardless. Run a mile if you are able, encourage someone on days you are strong. We are all fighting some battle some of us harder ones than others. Pray that for those suffering we can feel the closeness of the Holy Spirit so real. 

THE SEMINARY OF SUFFERING

By: John Piper

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

2 Corinthians 12:9

This is God’s universal purpose for all Christian suffering: more contentment in God and less satisfaction in self and the world. I have never heard anyone say, “The really deep lessons of life have come through times of ease and comfort.”

But I have heard strong saints say, “Every significant advance I have ever made in grasping the depths of God’s love and growing deep with Him has come through suffering.”

The pearl of greatest price is the glory of Christ.

Thus, Paul stresses that in our sufferings the glory of Christ’s all-sufficient grace is magnified. If we rely on Him in our calamity and He sustains our “rejoicing in hope,” then He is shown to be the all-satisfying God of grace and strength that He is.

If we hold fast to Him “when all around our soul gives way,” then we show that He is more to be desired than all we have lost.

Christ said to the suffering apostle, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Paul responded to this: “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9–10).

So suffering clearly is designed by God not only as a way to wean Christians off of self and onto grace, but also as a way to spotlight that grace and make it shine.  That is precisely what faith does; it magnifies Christ’s future grace.

The deep things of life in God are discovered in suffering.

Here's to the suffering and hard days ahead and all that I will endure, learn, and the fruits that I pray God will teach me through these coming days. Be with me on this walk as I become weak and more dependent on your prayers and Gods strength.