Give us Grace

I'm spending this day getting organized, running errands, making phone calls and preparing for the days to come. At this point I'm starting most likely tomorrow. It's right now all about trying to get my drugs ordered and in to me so that I can take the first injection to UPenn where I will see the doc and go over the plan for how to do the injections, and be instructed to signs of things that are normal, and the list of complications and side effects. Some which are normal side effects to be expected and many which are more dangerous and need to be managed. It's going to be a daily walk through this journey. I have no idea what it's going to do to me, how I'm going to feel, and how long my body will persevere under the coming circumstances. I know much about it, and much of what it has brought to many other cancer survivors,  but every person handles things in different ways. Talk about trusting Jesus for his plan for your life... That's all I can do. I feel like today is my last day to prepare and from here forward we trust.


 "When we are weakened by the loss in our lives and Christ's power moves in, making us content when we don't have what we need, joyful in the midst of great sadness, and at least in the midst of chaos, God is glorified" Hearing Jesus Speak into your Sorrow. 

I feel compelled to write something about my children and our needs. We have had a tremendous support community come around us like I mentioned in my last writing. I'm not sure where to ask for help right now or what even our needs are going to be as we walk through the coming many months ahead. I do know that we will not be able to do this without help and we are going to need the uplifting support and help on a different basis everyday for many days. Again I do feel there is some purpose why this has come to surface at a point in our lives where Chaos rules, and lives cannot be at a standstill for anything, not even cancer. I struggle daily looking at my young babies and just wonder and pray 'oh Lord I know your timing is impeccable and your plan will be all perfect, give us moments to see that in these days.' 

The kids are doing great. My mom is back and they love the attention and fun. I think I thank God everyday that they are little and do not have the understanding or capacity to fully know what is going on. My oldest for sure has figured out a lot and we have talked about it and been honest to as much a degree as we feel is safe for her knowledge without creating fear. For everyone who will be taking care of them and helping with them please give them love hugs and less instruction and discipline  If you are a friend or neighbor invite my kids along to fun things they will be missing and everyone else will be doing, I won't even know of all these things. This time of year we are all heading into can be hard. I'm not sure how to prepare then for what is coming next because it will be much more long term than the last few things we have prepared them for. It's going to be much of walking through each day, keeping open communication, and giving them as much support and attention as we can. Here is one way that you can help us, give them a hug. Tell them they are loved and doing great, help us to see when they are struggling or when they may need extra. I'm not expecting special treatment for them but just for extra outpouring of love and patience to them as we walk through this as a family. Give them grace and Kev and I as we try to navigate the hard and what that looks like for us as a family. We will all be absent minded to much of what is going on around us right now, as we try to focus on much here with our family and my health. Give me especially patience as we deal with this. If you are going to be helping me or any of the kids  know that we are all going to be struggling and making it just a day at a time, my kids may misbehave, they may say and do things that we don't allow, they may act out and my people, please know my precious kids mean well in this transition. Kara Tippets, a mom living with terminal breast cancer speaks this very well:

 "This is hard to articulate. If you have the opportunity to love a sick family, please don’t be shocked by bad behavior. Do not gossip to others about their behavior. Push into their behavior and love them creatively when you see the ugly side of their day. The kids are hurting, they have not developed communication skills, they struggle to process the pain of the disease they live with daily. Not only do they not have communication skills, their friends really don’t know what to say. Harper came home once upset after a friend had said, “I hope your mom doesn’t die.” It came from a place of care, but Harper had never considered I would die. We were all muddling through the year. Especially my kids. It should never be surprising when the hurting hearts of our children act out in the midst of such difficulty."

Just be with us on this journey. Come along side my family in our pain and in our hard. Love on us and our children and we will conquer Gods plan through this cancer story whatever that may be. We need our pray warriors, our meal providers, our best friends to cry with, and our family to be by our sides. We need you all as a part of this walk so desperately. So many people talk about cancer fog, or cancer brain, I am totally still in the midst of that, trying to accept this change and trying to understand what my new plan and purpose of life looks like. for right now I'm am a fighter and have to get through this and that is as much as I can comprehend still.  I do not plan what is coming ahead, I'm trying to function for right now and still consider a day conquered if we just get through. I know that this will be with us for a long time coming, and give me grace for those moments when I am forgetful, when It seems I've forgotten things of importance, know that this struggle is hard for me and us, and that we are doing our best and we are working hard to do this now so that the years in the future can come back to light and I can again be that strong person for so many of you. 

Ive been reading, Walking with God Through Pain and Suffering by Tim Keller, great read. There is a whole section of walking with God, or more so, God walking with us through our suffering. HE talks much about how a main metaphor in the bible is walking, walking through difficult things. Sometimes God even refers to it as walking in Darkness. (psalm 23:4) What struck me most about this whole concept of walking through pain with Christ is that it is something that must be walked through. Specifically Keller says, "the walking metaphor points to the idea of progress". I loved that idea. That we all have to start somewhere in our walk and that the journey is walking with progress through Trusting him. He's also clear to point out that we cannot "let suffering have its way with us" "but also cannot think we can avoid it or are impervious to it." Throughout the bible there is much suffering, through floods and fires and they are seen as extreme hard. There are so many verses that do not say IF but WHEN you will walk through hardship. For so many people, including the famous Job in the bible, suffering comes in many shapes and sizes, and lengths. We all face these things for a purpose greater than what we can imagine. There is no questioning in that, but to accept the challenge and walk through the fires ablaze with faith and strength in Christ and nothing else. That will not guarantee it away, but it does guarantee we get through it. WE must trust he is with us, in in the fiery furnace of life, he's actually suffered more for us than we can wrap our minds around, he knows the pain, he knows the end, and that is peace we can all rest in. "walking is something nondramatic, rhythms- it consists or steady, repeated actions you can keep up in a sustained way for a long time"  God never asked anyone, run with me, or spring with me, because we cannot keep those up. "to walk with God is rhythms, on and on and on. to walk with God is am metaphor that symbolizes slow and steady progress. 

As I step out into the battlefield this week, I know that my progress is slow and steady. This treatment is long and not a sprint, but more like marathon rhythm of trusting God everyday and knowing the benefits of making it through will benefit my life later. We will update specifically when we have the actually go time, so that everyone can start to pray and then we will walk through this together. Its an on and on and on.... I will need uplifting and

prayers not in sprint form, but for endurance to take us to the end of this treatment ahead. 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the first, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior... Do not be afraid, for I am with you. (is 43: 2-3, 5)