No treatment for another week

*Quick update: Brain MRI early Monday Morning at 9. Then we go back Tuesday afternoon to see the doctor for results and blood work, and hopefully to start treatment again. 

“Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from Him.”

Psalm 62:5 

It seems my body needs another week to continue to recover more. My doctor would like to see me feeling a little better when we take a break so we won't restart this week. Her hope is to have another recovery week and feel a little better.
I’ve been having terrible, debilitating headaches, the kind that make me have to close my eyes, and take meds. My doctor is being cautious and wants a brain MRI asap. This has been my most difficult scan so far and one I hope I don't have to do too often. So friends it looks like more scans, IVs, and waiting for results, asap. This way we can get the NED from the brain and go on with trying to treat the headaches that are a common side effect of this nasty hard drug. I love my doctors they are very proactive and won't mess around. My stage of cancer doesn't allow much room for that anyway. Here is a quick understanding about brain metastatic cancer from Slaon-Ketterings website. This is why my doctors will always, until the end of my life, be vigilant in tests and scans to check to make sure the cancer is not anywhere it shouldn't be. Especially considering the brain, headaches, etc…

About Metastatic Brain Tumors

Metastatic brain cancer, which is also called secondary brain cancer, occurs when cancer cells spread to the brain from a primary cancer elsewhere in the body, forming a tumor or tumors in the brain. This type of brain cancer is about ten times more common than cancer that starts in the brain, which is known as primary brain cancer.

Each year about 100,000 people in the United States are diagnosed with brain metastases. Five to 25 percent of cancer patients will develop metastases in the brain — the wide range is explained by the fact that metastasis depends entirely upon the patient’s type of primary tumor.

For example, one of the most common primary tumors to spread to the brain is malignant melanoma. In nearly 50 percent of people with melanoma that has metastasized, the disease can be found in the brain. On the other hand, gastrointestinal cancers (those cancers originating in the digestive system) spread to the brain less than 10 percent of the time. The outlook for patients with brain metastases generally depends on the number, size, location, and origin of the primary tumor or tumors.http://www.mskcc.org/cancer-care/adult/brain-tumors-metastatic/about-metastatic-brain-tumors

Just that little big of information helps me understand why we just have to make sure we are cautious and careful. After we get the results that the brain is ok, then we will start to manage the headaches. I’ve never been a person to deal with headaches, or any aches, and now sympathize with those of you who battle any chronic disease and pain. I can almost guarantee that the headaches are a result of the sylatron and the stress my body is under. I am experiencing some major anxiety about Tara having to leave, so much so that I am having a hard time imagining what I will even do. I know that is irrational, but it does play a big role right now in where I'm at. Pray that we can just get through these bumps along the road, tests, appointments, and things to come. Pray for my endurance. 

I will start my nerve pain medicine tonight and see how that starts to help. Hopefully it will begin to give me some relief. For me its another medicine and that right now is a hard thing. More meds, more to manage, something else with more side effects. This though should help with pain which my oncologist assured me today has something to do with stress on your body and could also all be connected with anxiety. It’s not the stress or anxiety thats like, I'm getting my kids to soccer practice late,  its uncontrolled feeling overwhelmed by life and my brain working fast and my body healing and being tired, that kind of stress. If you haven't had it, I hope you never have to. I think I've always battled anxiety, but thats for another post!

So the plan from today is that I will get a brain MRI as soon as I can. Hopefully this week and will go to UPENN for that. Then I will hopefully be able to see my doctor Tuesday the 10th for results and blood work. Then at that point we will be able to decide if I can go on with the treatment next week. This plan could change if it takes me a week to get an MRI, in which case I will go back for results, blood work, and to see my doctor on the 17th. Thanks for praying dear friends. This road seems hard and near impossible. 

It's something everyday, another doctors appointment, another thing. But the good news is, we are managing this. We have a weekly schedule. My Lizz is loving on us and taking great care. She is so supportive and so helpful. She comes in and gets things done in a day I haven't done in months. Her heart is huge and she listens to me cry and gives me hugs when I need them. Kev's mom has been so faithful. Coming here, with love, and food, and deep listening and conversation. I am so thankful for them to be allowing my daily appointments and overwhelming moments to be met with love, support, and prescence. We are tying to fit in lots of quality friend time in the next 2 weeks like never before and that is healing and help for my soul. Its been a true gift from God. 

I was struck with something this weekend after church, a little more understanding, or maybe just a bit of peace. I've battled lately in discipline to keep my mind stayed on truth and not trying to think or imagine what is not real or what is scary and fear. I realized the type of suffering I am dealing with is not chosen suffering, but given to me suffering. Still suffering but in it I have no choice other than how to handle and respond to the suffering placed in my life. Pastor Trent talked about the persecuted Christians and what it means to stand up and choose suffering because ultimately we will all suffer. It all made me think as it relates to me and to you and to everyone really. That our suffering paths are creating in us a place of strength and courage that we will continue to need as we battle in this world for Christ. 

Suffering definition:

Suffering, or pain in a broad sense,^[1] may be an experience of unpleasantness and aversion associated with the perception of harm or threat of harm in an individual.^[2] Suffering is the basic element that makes up the negative valence of affective phenomena. The opposite of suffering is pleasure, or happiness.

Suffering is often categorized as physical^[3] or mental.^[4] It may come in all degrees of intensity, from mild to intolerable. Factors of duration and frequency of occurrence usually compound that of intensity. Attitudes toward suffering may vary widely, in the sufferer or other people, according to how much it is regarded as avoidable or unavoidable, useful or useless, deserved or undeserved.

Suffering occurs in the lives of sentient beings in numerous manners, and often dramatically. As a result, many fields of human activity are concerned with some aspects of suffering. These aspects may include the nature of suffering, its processes, its origin and causes, its meaning and significance, its related personal, social, and cultural behaviors, its remedies, management, and uses.

And what do you do with this life? How do you respond to this as a gift, as something that can make you closer to Christ? I just keep thinking how am i going to be strong enough for long enough to battle this cancer in my body and my mind. Melanoma is unpredictable at my stage, and according to statistics it's likely my body could be fighting cancer for the rest of my life. Im not trying to put myself into this group, but there is some reality to face here too. When that much control is taken away from us and we are out on a path of following God in this life vs being able to choose which path to take, our utter dependence and trust in him becomes a daily practice and discipline. 

“Your gravest danger is worrying about tomorrow. If you try to carry tomorrow’s burdens today, you will stagger under the load and eventually fall flat. You must discipline yourself to live within the boundaries of today. it is in the present moment that I walk close to you, helping you carry your burdens. Keep your focus on my presence in the present.” -Jesus Calling

Yet I am always with you; You hold me by my right hand” psalm 73:23

This also makes it a part of our life. When you live something everyday, practice something, and pray for something you become better at it. That is how we are created really. Practice makes perfect. A great friend, and beautiful mentor sat on my couch after my diagnosis and in tears said to me, "Jo, what a gift you have been given, to have this as your life's testimony to tell for the rest of your forever." I will never forget it. All the people and prayers and words, this struck me. I think of so many friends when I write this, those of us with raising special need children, they are gifts, all children are. So many of you who have lost someone dear to you way before you expected to say goodbye, and how do you choose to live your life. Those of us who have been left or betrayed, been defeated and abandoned, we can feel lost, or we can choose joy. So maybe that's it, it's not really the suffering we think it is at all, but it's if we decide to let what God gives us in our lives become our suffering or become our life. I'm not for one second preaching perfection or any wisdom, as I write this tonight. I'm on verge of an anxiety attack and scared, I have a lot to fight ahead and some days not a lot of energy to do it. I will never have answers, but I will always have trust. Trust that God is my source and my portion forever. And that with enough discipline and prayer I will be better prepared for the suffering to come. Whatever that may be. 

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we'll last forever is broken together-Casting Crowns

Maybe this all doesn't make any sense, maybe it meets you. It was never meant to do anything more than to give you a glimpse of Hope, the hope I search for in every one of my waking days. The hope that says in the hard and hurt, and in the blessings and joy, it's all still a matter of our response. Choosing to seek and praise him and learning to walk in response to the suffering in life whether we choose that or we don't. 

"Hope is confident expectation that what we await will come to pass" -Trent Thompson

Romans 5:3-5 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,  and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.