Moving Forward

I'm exhausted. I'm physically tired and emotionally spent. Kev asked me how my spirits were and I just said numb, which is ok I think. I have had a few moments of realizing how much more I have to go, and feeling like I'm running a life marathon. I have to stop myself though and just realize it's still one day at a time, one day for all of us. Being thankful for the little things and for the day ahead and fighting the fight in my brain of fear and overwhelming emotions with the what-ifs and what-to-do. Telling myself constantly to do meaningful and to do thankful. Knowing and trusting that God is so much greater than this life, greater than cancer, greater than fear, greater than uncertainty, greater than depression, greater than all these things that feel so huge.

"We are to trust in him even when things are not going as we wish them to go (or for me to be going and going without a clear picture of the future). This was Jesus' "law" for prayer too, because all who pray must say, "Thy will be done." One of the purposes of prayer is to bring our hearts to trust in his wisdom, not in our own. It is to say, "Here's what I need-but you know best." It is to leave all our needs and desires in his hands in a way that is possible only through prayer. That transaction brings a comfort and rest that nothing else can bring" Prayer by Tim Keller

I handled the shot ok this week, felt more tired, woke up to eat a few times, but other than that slept hard most the day. It's so good my body can have this time to rest and sleep it off. I do get up for a little to see the kids before bed and that overwhelms me with sad, feeling absent and wishing it wasn't looking like this for us. At the same time I'm so thankful for our Mickey (Lizz) and for Kev's mom who is here every Wednesday to get us through our hardest. I know right now this is my job, it's going to work for me, for our family, and its the best thing for everyone. So I do trust that in my absent days of resting and fighting, appointments and meetings, that there is so much good and purpose in this. I have said it a few times and said it again today, it's just totally amazing and honestly miraculous to me, that my body can get this injection and feel as terrible as I do for about 30 hours and then turn this corner of feeling semi back to strength. Crazy really. I mean there are side effects, and I'm taking a ton of medication, and as time goes on I feel more, but this fighting body of mine really is something. I feel so weak right now, so unlike myself, tired and without physical strength but I am thankful for the strength that I had when I began this mountain climb. I was trained and my body was strong and ready to compete, and so when I feel jealous and wishing it wasn't like this right now, I know that I am fighting hard and that I can get back to strength.


I'm 20 weeks into my treatment, just about 5 months. I'm getting close to being halfway, and while it feels good to maybe celebrate, there is also much to come ahead, and much hard. Sometimes it feels like I just started yesterday and have an eternity to go, and some days it feels like I've been doing this for a lifetime. For the extreme complications and side effects of taking this medication God is protecting me and I'm handling it extremely well right now. Not for one second am I ever going to say this is a breeze, but I feel lifted up and protected. There is so much of this new path that seems never-ending. A lot of me feels spent on emotions and spent on thinking. If my brain was tested for its functioning right now I probably wouldn't even be on an existing scale. Chemo brain is in full effect and its real. It's hard to read, my headaches don't help, and my concentration and ability feels sub par.

 "What will you do in the mundane days of faithfulness?" Martin Luther said,  Kara Tippets quoted. Life in the midst of cancer treatment and mundane, so real.  She went to be with Jesus earlier this week and is rejoicing up there, has probably met my sweet encourager Jen by now too. I think to myself, "man do you two beauties have it made now, :) ." Until I have it made too though, and hopefully many many beautiful years down the road, I pray I can make my mundane, whether cancer treatment or not, be as beautiful as Kara and Jen made theirs. I don't do much these days besides fight cancer full time, this cold go on for awhile longer, and some days for sure it feels mundane. I pray God gives me the strength that he poured out upon these two,  who have forever changed me.

"Dear hearts, if you hold back from love- move. If you withdrawal when your heart is asked of you- stop hiding. If you are fearful of being hurt so much that you keep yourself away from the love of another- trust me, you will regret it. Open wide your hands to your story. Look closely at us all- we are ALL broken. Stop hiding- thinking you are the only one. We all are needy. Needy of a community that will share the burden of today with us. People to point us to Jesus. You see, I could  never cure my friends, cure their heartache or loneliness, but I can point them to Jesus- they can point me to Jesus… That is what community and friendship is meant for in it’s sweetest definition. People to help us laugh when all we’ve done for a week is cry. Oh my loves, don’t be afraid of love. The riches of our relationships is all that matters. 

It is all that matters. Be brave. Invite someone to coffee, and share your heart, and ask another about their heart. Be known, and let yourself love and be loved in return. These North Carolina girls came and loved me, and in my small way- they let me love them in return. I hurt to see them go- it still hurts. But these tears are kept in heaven- and they matter. The love we have shared and continue to share matters." Kara Tippets

I would be totally lying if I didn't admit there are SO many things I would pick different right now. Im pretty sure I'm not the only one in this life that would admit to that same thing. In admitting that I would also be lying if I didn't say I am more than content knowing that God does know what is best for me, and that my plan and his plan are not one in the same. It is his plan that trumps mine, and his plan that is waaaay better than mine. He knows my needs, and he knows why this is my story and the ultimate purpose in all of this. I do trust that with my whole self. Living life in suffering was never exempt to me and its now a beautiful part of me. It's not about me and my cancer story and my life testimony, but all this is about God and how he has chosen me, little peon me, to be a part of an ending so sweet. I do love that, that makes me smile, because I never wanted any of this thats been given to me, to really be about me anyway.

"Right now he is at work- no matter what your circumstances, no matter how you're feeling, no matter if you can see Him or not." Overwhelmed by Perry Noble