Peace for today, Hope for tomorrow

I survived the last 24 hours. I slept about 23 of them, but it's what my body needs and if thats how I get through then thats ok. This time around I've survived 2 treatments, and we celebrate that.  I've figured out how to give myself that grace, at first that was hard to accept. I am feeling good, acceptable, and manageable. I have enough strength to get by and thats all I need right now, to get through and be strong enough for just that. I realize that everything I am in right now is part of my treatment plan, whether it be 2 weeks off, or sleeping all day. It's all part of fighting so that there are more days on the other end of all this. I get messages and texts from friends praying and checking in, I get hugs from my babies, and cuddles while I'm totally passed out, and you know what... that is more of a gift than I can tell you.

Last night was my last treatment (for awhile) with Tara holding my hand. Thankfully she has face timed in a couple times and so we know we can do it that way too. I see so many things like that as a way God is preparing and taking care of me. When she was in Disney months ago I didn't think I could do the shot without her, and she face time prayed, and it went perfect. I didn't see at the time how that would protect me from that part of her moving, that part is going to be ok. It all is. My Heather is on spring break this week so my shot giver was another one of the best nurses around, and she did a great job too. I love how I credit my best friends with giving me the worst drug ever, and actually thank them for it. So strange. I am thankful though, for support, and encouragement. I never thought I would be the one needing it. Guess we all have that time huh? I look forward to that day when I can give it again.

I am learning more and more everyday about who I am, who God created me to be, accepting the ways I'm wired, and how to see that for a bigger purpose. It's humbling to admit a lot of this, mostly that it took cancer to slow me down, bring peace to my anxiety, and teach me actually how to cope with what is in front of me. 

I have a lot of time these days to think. I don't read much besides little things at a time, my headaches are so bad and my brain and concentration lacking. I do sit awake thinking, and I write, I pray, I hope. I contemplate where God has me now, pray I always have the perspective of trusting his best, and discipline my mind from going places it's not helpful to go. I have moments of envy, for normal, any kind of old normal. I also have moments of jealous for Heaven, like I never imagined I would before. Then I have overflowing peace of thankfulness that I don't have normal because then I wouldn't have this gift. My weeks are so strange in that within a 7 day period I go from sick, to better, to running around with energy again, then repeat. There is some routine in that, and much that is unknown forcing me one day at a time to trust. 

The past several months have presented a lot of shifting for our family. This is going to continue for awhile as I continue to be in treatment, as our best friends transition to their new home, as summer comes and schedule changes. I realize this is looking ahead and I'm not planning just realizing that change is hard, but brings strength and forces trust. 

“Often times God demonstrates His faithfulness in adversity by providing for us what we need to survive. He does not change our painful circumstances. He sustains us through them.”  ~ Charles Stanley

It's all a gift. Seek Joy. See him in everyday. Sometimes its not clear to see, but its there regardless. I'm learning this, training myself to see this. Life and breath is a gift, and it's fast and short. Take my advice, not because I have any clue how I'm doing this, but because I'm content in my life outcome and my complete story ends in perfect beauty. There are no promises other than that. 

This is the most inspirational thing you will listen to all day. Take 3 min and watch. John Piper is amazing. So are you. 

Im praying this for the next 2 days. Pray with us, for grace, for real moments and real love. Pray we can comfort our babies and transition well as a family into saying goodbye, while also kicking cancers butt. 

                                                             

"Carry Me" Josh Wilson

I try to catch my breath
It hasn't happened yet
I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death
So I prayed God, would You make this stop
Father please hold on to me, You're all I've got

Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now

Jesus calm my heart
Come near me please
Lord don't let these worries get the best of me
Oh I believe, that You're still here with me
Cause You meant what You said when You said You'd never leave

Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now

I'm at the end of myself
I know I've got nothing left
Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death
And I've been down here so long
I just can't find my way out
Oh God I don't stand a chance
Unless You carry me now
God carry me