Never Doubt

Today was a good day. Another gift.  A sense of relief to hear NED again. I went today feeling ok, not stressed, not worried or anxious. When we checked in there seemed to be an issue with my blood work orders, my doctor had ordered some research labs. It threw me off and I could feel my heart start to pound. My blood pressure was little high, but it was just literally for "research" and when I found that out and that my brain had no metastasis I was all good. Whew. My doctors were being very proactive with the MRI and I knew that. But it's hard to still go through the tests and the waiting. I will be used to it all one day right? She told me today they will never be slow to test when anything is out of the ordinary, or even if it is ordinary, to rule out the spread of cancer. That won't go away. Ever. 

 I am feeling strong and I'm thankful for that. It's going to be hard to restart on the interferon knowing what is coming. Today she reminded me that the restart can be harder because there is less amount in my system. So pray that tonight and tomorrow go ok for me. I'm tired to begin with and I'm just asking God to give me the rest I need and not to feel terrible. My blood work trended back up and that is good news. That is what they want to see after a break, basically that my body is strong enough to recover some. So now we just watch and manage carefully my levels and symptoms. The headaches are from the sylatron, it's a major stress on my body and it's given me lots of issues but things we can and will deal with as they come. There are a lot of medicines I can't take that can help, but also much I can try to do to help. We are going to work through that process and see if we can manage them. Today she said basically anything from here on out that is any complaint is a symptom of the medicine. It’s just that hard and it’s a long haul. I thought I knew what endurance was my whole life, goodness I had no clue. All those sprints I used to run to the finish line, ha you have no idea right? 

I spent the day with Tara. She was able to take me to my oncologist, and be with me all day. She was able to see who's hands she's leaving me in, and even threatened them if they didn't take good care of me. (if you know her you know this is a huge lie) We prayed together, cried together, laughed together, shopped together, and it was a special blessing knowing some of those times will be fewer and far between. Today was a gift, in more ways than one. 

All of the breaks I've had have been out of my control. My body has shut down a little and has been in need of recovery and stopping the chemo type drug.  All of my breaks have also been at times when looking back, I've needed it most. I was off at Thanksgiving for a long break after the amount of drug in my body about killed me.  I was then off for 3 weeks at Christmas time and could be home with my kids and enjoy the break and my family. This most recent break came at a time that has been a huge blessing to me also. I have had more energy and ability to spend more time with Tara before she goes. God always has our best interest in mind, we just think we know what that is and often I don't give him the credit he's due. 

Peter was called out in the storm to walk on the water. He was fine in the chaos and the storm as long as he kept his eyes on Jesus. The second he failed at that and became scared with everything around him he sank. I just keep thinking of that, I'm only ok when my eyes are fixed on Him. His plan, his goodness, not me. The last few weeks have been hard. I am overwhelmed and I have no good coping mechanisms right now. I want to tell myself all these things make sense but really none of it makes any sense to me. I want to see a glimpse of the future so I know everything will be ok, but I also know that would require less of me to trust him. I honestly can fall apart sobbing and crumbling and then in a moment stop and realize I took my eyes off him. My life is a mess when I’m doubting that God has everything under control. I know that so many times I'm going to mess this up, but I know God's grace for when that is going to happen. It's really Jesus believing in me that's keeping me afloat. I do keep praying that this never goes away, that until my last breath I will always be able to know, trust, and clearly seek his face. I know that these days will not be the last where I'm bought to my knees. Don't be overwhelmed of what may come friends, be thankful for what you have now, and prepared for life trials with clear vision of where to keep our eyes fixed. 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1

I am not ready for tomorrow. I don't want to feel bad, I don't want to sleep all day. I want to be with my kids and experience some normal. I could go on and on about what I want versus the life that I have. I also want to live, live out my purpose, and fight strong for my husband and babies. So I will do just that, as best I can. I will take my shot, load up on lots of drugs, and get by. God will fight for me, and I will do tomorrow and no more. 

"He will fight for you, you only need to be still" Exodus 14:14

"Knowing that your future is absolutely assured can free you to live abundantly today. I have prepared this day for you with the most tender concern and attention to detail. Instead of approaching the day as a blank page that you need to fill up, try living it in a responsive mode: being on the lookout for all that I am doing. This sounds easy, but it requires a deep level of trust, based on the knowledge that My way is perfect." Jesus Calling. 

As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.

—Psalm 18:30

Thursday I go to Hershey to see my melanoma specialist at the cancer institute. I am having a complete exam and some moles removed. I am not sure how many or what she thinks about the same ones my oncologist doesn't like. Everything will be sent to pathology though, so I will do that and wait on those results. Again this will be a new normal for me, and I'm not concerned. I think I'm learning to only be concerned about something when there is something to actually be concerned about. If I don't this is all too much, it’s all too much anyway. 

Friends who keep praying, and encouraging, who keep lifting me up, bringing us food, reaching out, giving hugs, and loving us in our broken, thank you. We are doing ok, we are getting through these days well, and with amazing support and help. You all know who you are, those of you who have blessed us anonymously, and those of you who have shown up not having any clue how to walk into this road of hard and broken but you have blessed us. You CAN change someones life friends, it can be the littlest thing and it can make a HUGE lasting impact. You have done this and shown Jesus love to my family and to me. This road would be much more bumpy without your support. Thank you.