Merry Christmas to me...

I've been asked what I want for Christmas a few times. I never really knew how to answer that question, anything I might have said never being very picky. Now I could write a book... To feel ok? To be awake with some energy most the day? no more ivs and needles? No more hospital visits? No more cancer? I'm sure I'm  not getting any of those but I am getting a break, a much needed gift, and for that I am thankful. The timing is by no mistake. I will feel dragging for another week, but right about the middle of next week I will hopefully have some energy and be able to enjoy some much needed time with my kiddos and family. I know we always wish for what we do not have right? We think of the things of life that make us happy or fill us up. How silly are we to realize that the empty space is not ever going to be filled with "something", but only truly filled with Christ's love for us.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing, and perfect will" Romans 12:2.

Instead there has to be a trajectory change, a look at life through a different lense, being thankful for what we have and seeking blessings with Grace. I know in the midst of trail and suffering God calls us to seek first his kingdom and promises Glory and blessing. I think I need to change my mindset. In this new year I need to accept this new gift I've been given. Embrace my life, this new one, the one God write for me, not the one I dreamed up. Maybe being able to just say that is a gift in itself is a bit of a change. There are oh so many gifts that are far more special that the ones any of us will unwrap under any tree. The gift we've all been given already, we just have to embrace and accept it. Seems so simple right? It's so easy to accept it, but feels like a marathon these days to me when I try to imagine it for my life. Christ peace, his underserving fill up with everything in you peace. I can so do this thing, I need help for sure, but I can do it.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us...For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has. But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way the spirit helps us in our weakness. We do now know what we ought to pray for, but the spirit himself intercedes for us with goals that words cannot express... And we know that in all things God works for good of those who love him, who have been called according to HIS purpose... If God is for us, who can be against us? Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?... No In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present for the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. "
Romans 8

Walking out of these appointments is so difficult for me. I think there is this mindset when you see a doctor that you will get a diagnosis or an answer to your problems, for me its always leaving with an open book. Lots of explanation but no clear answers, there just isn't answers right now. I realized yesterday that right now all our energy is being put into and focussed on Sylatron, when really this is only a small part of my life and journey now. Maybe thats what terrifying to me about it being done, that then starts the next thing not that we are done with this. Trying to find a life balance of living and breathing with cancer, so many have done it before me and I can do it too. There is a time of figuring it out though, almost a grace period of time. Talking with a good friend tonight I was reminded this is all still so new, and has been so fast. My thoughts are scattered and irrational, my emotions are high and low and a mix of everything in between.

Yesterday was hard as I battled nausea most the drive and slept on and off. Kev woke me up when we got there and I didn't want to wake up. I felt drained and that makes these appointments hard with zero energy. I've felt overall worse the last couple days, since I lost my appetite and have the nausea back pretty much constantly. I left feeling the same way, always feeling just whatever, maybe not really feeling much at all. The drive has been a great time for Kev and I to talk and reconvene after the appointments. I had trouble processing life and everything after yesterday. I get time to actually think and begin to think too much.  Kev is so good to me, so compassionate and so good at listening to my feelings and all over the place thoughts. Maybe some of this is the time of year, knowing its different and I don't like that, and being ok with that too, but still not liking it.

It was apparent to my doctor after discussion and blood work that my body needed another rest. I am totally ok with this because the fact of taking that shot for me is terrifying with the reactions my body seems to have. I am just not reacting to this in a safe or tolerated way and there is nothing we can do about it. I am not surprised since I've had trouble with all kinds of drugs in the past. Most people, a whooping 70%, have to take breaks and rests when they are on this Chemo type drug. So I am right there with the best of them. It's just that nasty and brutal. We talked a lot and I felt like I had my mind cleared a bit and my doc was reassuring that this is all ok and that we are trying and if it doesn't work that is acceptable and we move on. Much more than that I just need a break. So we go back again in 2 weeks, to get blood work again, and to discuss the next steps. We went over the possible options and they are dwindling, but we will probably give it one more go and see where that takes us, hopefully not to the hospital again. There are some big decisions to be made, but I have time before I even need to think about them. Hopefully at the same time my doctors are making those decisions for me and they can give me their wisdom in a couple weeks...