Transition time

"Her children rise up and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates."

                          Proverbs 31

It's been a reeeeally hard last 24 hours and as I walk into this next injection I am not feeling strong and able. My mom and I decided she needed to go. She has selflessly given more of her time and love to us than I could have ever imagined I would need, but she is also a wife to my dad and he needs her. Im one of six and she's a Bama to 3 little boys in St.louis she misses dearly. And she's stopped her life and everything that comes with it to be here and give and give and give and she needs to go be home. Although I know this is time I'm not going to handle it easy. She has been strength to me, speaking words of truth and encouragement to me constantly. She reminds me daily that God is looking out for us and that he will continue to provide, and she believes that truth. She has loved my children more than they understand, or know they need.  We have been able to remain normal in chaotic and crazy circumstances that have now joined our life. I do not know how we will navigate into what our new normal will look like. I can see what the present is but have a hard time right not looking at all ahead, just seems like there is a consuming fog covering me, maybe that is a gift maybe I need to figure out a way to help clear some of that fog. Going from point A to point B used to be who I was, a type A, a planner, oh how what we think we are and how what God created us for are such different perspectives. Right now I just need to get through point A, which is today. Probably everyone in a situation like mine feels that shock as a consuming weight at times, having my momma here has become a new normal for us and it is going to be hard to transition out of that for all of us. That being said, she's a quick plane ride away and we will see her again soon. 

I hope in the Lord and pray that one day I will be right here like my mom has been for me, in loving and supporting my girls in any way they ever need it. When my mind goes there it is HARD, because there is no promise thats the life I will have. But if there is a day where I am able I will never forget the self sacrificing of my own mom and I will model the words of truth and wisdom to my girls. I will love so that they can see and experience true Jesus love from me. I know this is not a blessing everyone has been given, but its something all of us can start at anytime to bless someone else. 

My beautiful, giving, most fun ever, sister will still be with us another week and that is a blessing. It would have been really hard for them to both leave at the same time which was more of the original plan. After she goes we will be figuring out this unknown alone, and calling out for the help everyone has offered. God will provide he has in every way so far, I am not afraid of that. I have a house full of little people that need more of me than I have the ability to give right now and probably through this treatment. This complicates things a little but we will start to pray about what we do next and God will show us.  

>Pray for me tomorrow as we say lots of goodbyes to our Bama and that I can handle it ok. I used to not be an emotional person, not saying I am now, but the difference is I can't hadly how I'm feeling and I just have to feel how it comes in the moment. I have no real control of the way my brain or emotions will transition, I just have no capacity. 

>Pray I don't fall apart, and my little ones don't either. Thank God Duck is here to hug us, love us, and be my support. Pray for Kev and I as we try to determine our needs and navigate through how our family will walk through this. We know so many are here to walk with us, even pick us up and carry us through, we just need to figure out what the best way to communicate is. 

>Pray for shot number 2 tomorrow at the new dose. This week went well, with a few complications, some new ones just popping up today. As long as my blood work is ok tomorrow Heather will give me my shot in the evening  after i get meds and ready for bed.  I'm anxious about this still not knowing again how I will feel as more of the drug goes into working all over my body. But I'm thankful for each dose that I can tolerate. 

Goodbye sweet Bama, to say you will be missed is an understatement.