Last shot at the shot

It doesn't feel good, even though I'm trying soo hard to get used to all these needles! 

She's loving giving me these injections too much, my personal nurse you rock! 

Seeking grace has been a theme since I met Jesus, but it wasn’t the very air I breathed to get through each moment— each scary, hard moment. The looking has now become my practice. The naming of the graces, the gifts I don’t deserve, is new to me. But I do not believe you need to face cancer to see the value of looking for and naming the graces in your own moments, days, weeks, lifetime. To capture this beauty in your weariness, even if your story doesn’t look like mine, will enrich your moments, give you a new perspective, and help you lift your head in the impossibility and pain in living. Hard is hard. -Kara Tippets ( one of the strongest women fighting this fight) 

We are driving back from Philly. Weather is crappy and Christmas music is playing. Sweet time with my husband on these drives is beginning to be something I look forward to. I will take this drive very often for a very long time so I'm looking forward to more special moments with Kev, family and best friends.

It was good to see my doctor today, she was happy to see me too. I looked like myself and it was encouraging for her to see that my body was able to bounce back. At the same time since I was more coherent at today's appointment, we were able to talk more in depth. She reiterated the danger of my body's reaction to the high dose. She said it is scary to her and too much of a risk for me to have any sort of major reaction like I had in the previous weeks. At this point we dropped the dose to a little less than half. This is how the drug works you drop the dose after a break to half. I still have the opportunity to drop 2 more times if my body is able to handle this. My doctor said very clearly this is my last "shot" at taking this injection. If I have a scary reaction or my blood work drops to the numbers it was before we are done she said. I am anxious, scared, and ready to give this another "shot". I have no other options right now and this is my best hope so we pray my body can handle it, and if not we are thankful I don't have to go through torture. After that I get healthy and talk to God constantly about keeping this cancer at bay. I don't want to make the decision to stop if I have to stop I want that in my doctors hands and out of my control. Either way we see what this injection does. I will get blood work again before I can take another one next week. Can I mention here how sore my arms are from ivs and blood draws. Welcome to the life of a cancer patient, all you out there I'm with you, this is so hard. 

So I'll get home in about an hour. I'll get ready for bed, last time it was shot 20 hours of sleep so I'll make sure I'm comfortable, take lots of drugs, then we will do our thing.  Heather will give me the shot, Kev and Tara will hold my hands and my mom too and we will pray that God protects me in the days ahead. Its a beautiful thing, not the mess of this life, but the support and prayes of friends and family. 

"God’s purposes in present grief may not be fully known in a week, in a year, or even in this lifetime. Indeed, some of God’s purposes will not even be known when believers die and go to be with the Lord. Some will only be discovered at the day of final judgement when the Lord reveals the secrets of all hearts and commends with special honour those who trusted him in hardship even though they could not see the reason for it: they trusted him simply because he was their God and they knew him to be worthy of trust. It is in times when the reason for hardship cannot be seen that trust in God alone seems to be most pure and precious in his sight. Such faith he will not forget, but will store up as a jewel of great value and beauty to be displayed and delighted in on the day of judgment." Wayne Grudem, The First Epistle of Peter

Pray for me and with us and we seek his truth and his plan for us, pray for my body to cooperate even in the hard and pray I have an unwaivering faith that will give me peace. I'm learning to handle all this as more normal if you can imagine, but like all of us, just because we can handle and get through our new normals doesn't mean there is expectation that it's going to be easy. 

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it for me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see
And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of sea

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul

Bethel music, It Is Well