New year ahead...

My feelings are so conflicted tonight.  I'm surrounded by my 3 sisters, best friends for life, and this rarely happens. We are having a great time, kids are loving life, I have an appetite and energy. I'm also with a huge ache in my heart for my cancer sister in Christ, Kara Tippets. Battling, dying, of stage 4 breast cancer, mom of 4 littles, and a beautiful, inspirational person. I've quoted her book and her words have met me so many times. I've seen so much of me in her, honestly in this inner battle we fight, as women, wives, and mommies. She's spoken with integrity, bravery, and wisdom that I feel I don't have the courage to hold. And she's going to be taken back by her heavenly father sooner than she or her people would have chosen. I'm in tears over a stranger I never met, emailed with once, yet has blessed me more than she will ever know.  You can try to go to her blog, but I think its getting so many hits its been down. www.mundanefaithfulness.com

Reading that today has me taken back. Like my breath taken away, a punch in the stomach. It's always like things and days are going well until any reality shows up. I mostly am not thinking about things when I don't have to, thankful for meds that help that. Her reality and story are not mine, but my heart aches with her, like it could be mine. Pray for her friends, I can't imagine... Maybe that's some of my heartache... I don't want to imagine because that reality that once was untouchable to me, isn't anymore. 

We had the best Christmas. We're blessed in ways I can't blog about but can journal about. God sent his angels to show up for my family and it will be a Christmas we talk about for the rest of forever. Blessings upon blessing showed up and showered us with love and Grace. You would have to witness this place to see it, but love was written all over this past week. 

This week my 2 other sisters arrived, Charley has been here for all of Christmas. I love them, we are different and so the same, and I cherish them and who they all are and have become. Oh these are the gifts we will never unwrap, I'm blessed right here this week like my dreams came true. All four of us here together its been so long since this has happened and for our time together I am so grateful. Its chaos here in this busy house, but I love it. 

We have changed some plans. I am not going to UPenn today, she said we could hold off another week. There won't be more breaks I'm pretty sure so while my kids are home and family is here we are going to cherish this last week before I give it one more go. I will go back next week, see the docs, talk about a lot, and make the plans for the next steps of continuing treatment. I feel like I'm just at the beginning of this year approaching and it could be long and hard. I'm starting to get very nervous about flu season and germs, continue to pray over my family that somehow we are protected from this. We are new to this and also and just don't know how to make the best decisions on how to handle it all. From turning away plans and friends or staying home more. This again is where we need help and understanding. 

I've started to see all the year coming resolution things everywhere. It's brining unwanted uninspired emotions. I won't be hitting the gym (that I love) or trying to drop lbs. I actually will be loving more, accepting more, cherishing more, planning less, going less, trying to hope more, trying to fear less but none of this because it's a new year. These emotions I hope will come as we navigate into a year like one we never imagined or have any clue how to walk into. The things in the pre 2015 Joanna were great things who made me who I am, but I pray the things in post 2015 Joanna are more of who God created me to be and where I can find peace and rest amidst a stormy life ahead, and when it's not just me or my family, that I can find nearness to others and God through walking these hard things. We are all in a struggle that only one can fix, it will be like this to the promised end of our days. Don't search anymore it will wear you out, the hard stuff wears you out so find that peace in Christ now so whatever hard comes you are focused and ready for the path chosen for you. Seems simple, it is. It's hard for our incontrol self to get there, and thus life brings hard and real complications but the one thing that is always there through every peeled back layer of pain, heartache, happiness, and acceptance is Jesus. When I see that's all I'm going to have its easy to see that's all you need. Try it, he will never disappoint. 

I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me...

On our last drive out to UPenn Kev and I talked both ways the whole drive about where we've seen God show up. His presence is always needed but lately we've felt it and it's been here. I don't think ever again in my life I will stress about the way something works out, because we have seen the impeccable placement of people and events into our lives at unmistaken times. We could go back years... My earliest timing of Gods placement of a person in my life for his grace in my cancer story goes into kindergarten... And she's still a great friend for some reason... So many of those "reasons" are all proving clarity and the perfect way every thing has worked. You should talk with your spouse or friend about Gods timing in your life, write things down that worked out not how you imagined, but for a way more perfect time. As you go into the next year full of unknown plans and events it can help to see with clarity His plans for us. It's hard to do this too, because in every way God is still working and there is still so much I can't see that I want to. That aside every thing happens when it happens for the exact planned purpose for it. My story, my life, my impact, the people I run into, the people I'm sorrounded by its all part of my perfect story for a much bigger purpose. 

As this next coming year approaches and starts I have scans and all my 3 month appointments coming quickly in the next few weeks. It's the first next step in managing my cancer and checking the status to make sure it has not spread anywhere. It's my first time at the new normal, of more appointments and scans and waiting for phone calls and results.  It's not the way I would imagine rolling in a new year, new me, but again we are here. I'm thankful, for so much, and fighting back tears and trying to find joy as I meet Jesus in my pain and in my journey ahead. 

Lamentations 2:22-23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Psalm 113:3 From the rising of the sun to its setting, the name of the LORD is to be praised.