Being Honest
I feel like every time I put something up on the blog its a medical update, a way for everyone to know whats going on. I am glad I decided to start this blog so that everyone who loves and cares for us deeply can be a part of our army of supporters. But today I just want to be honest....
This sucks. This is so hard. Some days I need to be brutally honest, and today I'm just going to put this out there. First don't feel sorry for me for one second, that is not the goal I am trying to achieve. I actually feel this is a gift created for my life from my creator. I have not one minute where I have doubted that my life is a part of a WAY bigger beautiful picture of beauty and perfection, the story that God designed and that I am just a part of. God is SO big and I am SO small. So I'm not at all communicating anything so that you feel sorry for me. Second, I am not at all naive in thinking that I am the only one who is suffering. Actually over the past couple months God has given me more compassion for those that are hurting and in pain. Im right there with you now, you are my people. Last, I don't want to complain, for I am still blessed. I have been blessed beyond anything I could have imagined, I am loved by my family and friends, so to complain would seem trite. I'm simply communicating so that you know the reality of the weight that is upon us right now. Its one I would never want for anyone, its living out my worst nightmare. I look at my four babies and I cry, how can this be for us? Im drained, I don't want to wake up, but can't sleep. I'm not as strong as I want to be but I am who God created me to be. This has weakened me, humbled me, and broken me. I look at others with their cancer stories and my heart breaks for them because my heart is broken. I am trying to enjoy my family and my babies, I'm trying to push through. Im forcing myself out of bed to see the kids get on the bus, and finding feeble things throughout out the day to waste away time and hurt. I am enjoying having my mom with me, I'm not sure how ill do when she leaves for a little. I lay in Kev's arms at night and cry and cry because we just dont know what to do with all this, its for sure a learning to lean on him as we go process. Some days are ok, some are too overwhelming to bear. When life hits you blindsided without time to prepare for whats to come, you realize really fast you have put too much worth in too many things that have no purpose or meaning. I still get flooded with tears if I think of even a couple months into the future, so much unknown for me, for so many years ahead. Im a planner God, this just doesn't seem like the thing for me...ha!
Maybe tomorrow I'll put something medical on here, more about Melanoma. Ive wanted to do that so that people have a better idea of this monster. But in order for me to do that I have to get on the computer and read about this crazy beast and that is just overwhelming me most days. Today I just wanted to be real. For everyone who asks and wants to know how everything is going.. most days I'm sad and I'm just doing. Im living in a fog, trying to keep my focus on God and his faithfulness, while being overcome by the reality of living with cancer. Its hard. It will be hard. Its not going away, but I will fight this and learn how to have it a part of me. I trust God will give me the strength to fight through and My family and friends have surrounded me to pick me up when I am down. I wouldn't be able to do this for 1 minute alone. So thank you for surrounding me. And for the Angel who stepped out in generosity and blessed my family today, you will never know the impact of love on me that you have shown. I will never be able to thank you, I'm just left speechless on the pure goodness of some peoples hearts.
You have chosen me and have not rejected me. So I will not fear for you are with me. I will not be dismayed, for you are my God. You will strengthen me and help me; you will uphold me with your righteous right hand….For you are the Lord, my God, who takes hold of my right hand and says “Do not be afraid; I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:9-13)
This sucks. This is so hard. Some days I need to be brutally honest, and today I'm just going to put this out there. First don't feel sorry for me for one second, that is not the goal I am trying to achieve. I actually feel this is a gift created for my life from my creator. I have not one minute where I have doubted that my life is a part of a WAY bigger beautiful picture of beauty and perfection, the story that God designed and that I am just a part of. God is SO big and I am SO small. So I'm not at all communicating anything so that you feel sorry for me. Second, I am not at all naive in thinking that I am the only one who is suffering. Actually over the past couple months God has given me more compassion for those that are hurting and in pain. Im right there with you now, you are my people. Last, I don't want to complain, for I am still blessed. I have been blessed beyond anything I could have imagined, I am loved by my family and friends, so to complain would seem trite. I'm simply communicating so that you know the reality of the weight that is upon us right now. Its one I would never want for anyone, its living out my worst nightmare. I look at my four babies and I cry, how can this be for us? Im drained, I don't want to wake up, but can't sleep. I'm not as strong as I want to be but I am who God created me to be. This has weakened me, humbled me, and broken me. I look at others with their cancer stories and my heart breaks for them because my heart is broken. I am trying to enjoy my family and my babies, I'm trying to push through. Im forcing myself out of bed to see the kids get on the bus, and finding feeble things throughout out the day to waste away time and hurt. I am enjoying having my mom with me, I'm not sure how ill do when she leaves for a little. I lay in Kev's arms at night and cry and cry because we just dont know what to do with all this, its for sure a learning to lean on him as we go process. Some days are ok, some are too overwhelming to bear. When life hits you blindsided without time to prepare for whats to come, you realize really fast you have put too much worth in too many things that have no purpose or meaning. I still get flooded with tears if I think of even a couple months into the future, so much unknown for me, for so many years ahead. Im a planner God, this just doesn't seem like the thing for me...ha!
Maybe tomorrow I'll put something medical on here, more about Melanoma. Ive wanted to do that so that people have a better idea of this monster. But in order for me to do that I have to get on the computer and read about this crazy beast and that is just overwhelming me most days. Today I just wanted to be real. For everyone who asks and wants to know how everything is going.. most days I'm sad and I'm just doing. Im living in a fog, trying to keep my focus on God and his faithfulness, while being overcome by the reality of living with cancer. Its hard. It will be hard. Its not going away, but I will fight this and learn how to have it a part of me. I trust God will give me the strength to fight through and My family and friends have surrounded me to pick me up when I am down. I wouldn't be able to do this for 1 minute alone. So thank you for surrounding me. And for the Angel who stepped out in generosity and blessed my family today, you will never know the impact of love on me that you have shown. I will never be able to thank you, I'm just left speechless on the pure goodness of some peoples hearts.
You have chosen me and have not rejected me. So I will not fear for you are with me. I will not be dismayed, for you are my God. You will strengthen me and help me; you will uphold me with your righteous right hand….For you are the Lord, my God, who takes hold of my right hand and says “Do not be afraid; I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:9-13)
Thank you for being honest Joanna. I can only imagine what you are going through, it is one of my biggest fears next to having something happen to one of my children. God gives us Hope and in Him we are not to be anxious or afraid but we are human. The bible shows is that God cries along with us and please know that we are crying along with you as well and are here for you. May He give u strength and courage that you never knew you had
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