Treatment plan

         I'm finding it near impossible to communicate my feelings after today. It's maybe the fact they are all over the map and I can't choose how to explain myself. It seems after most of these big appointments my brain at some point shuts down and I can't handle anything more, but I have to. It's the long road ahead that still keeps me from feeling like I've completely overcome this day. The day of my scan results I remember  feeling like this. Good news, scans clear! Yay! But... I was facing a huge major surgery as the next step. I'm given like 3 total seconds to rejoice in good news before I'm right back to business. It's those waves I've felt before and that is much of what the next many months is going to look like for me. 

          Dr. Schuchter was amazing. I wanted to give her a huge hug I was so excited to meet her. I held back until the end when she actually was the one who gave me a huge hug instead. We connected I think as I truly felt like she wanted to know me, me as Joanna and not as her melanoma patient. She asked about my kids and no one has yet. She asked how my spirits are and how crazy is it at home? She cares. We talked about what everyone said I should do, what she thinks of my whole case and my specific melanoma. She was very positive in reassuring me not to be scared and to live my life. Not to be a sun hermit but wear sunscreen and a hat, she said she thinks my melanoma will be gone and hopes that's true. She's my doctor and was chosen for me. There were so many reasons why I ended up seeing her and I have to trust that there is some reason God has chosen her as the head of my oncology team. 

         I am going to start sylatron interferon next week. Probably Tuesday. It's self injections once a week for as many weeks as my body can handle up to a year long. My best friend, heather, is a nurse and will help me get all my injections. I will go first thing next week to learn all the details into administering injections.  We go into this hoping for the best, managing side effects the best we can, and getting through a day at a time. Weeks will come in waves, shot day and few days following will be rough then start to get better gradually before I go down again. And repeat. For a year friends. My mom is coming Saturday and will be here for the beginning of this. The first month is a higher dose and it hits you hard and then the doses are lessened and catered to getting me through. Extreme fatigue and generally feeling like I have the flu will be the most common side effects and then the list goes on from that. I will be monitored very closely by my doctors having blood work and seeing them weekly. Other scans and appointment are to come also and while in treatment things are a little different than they will be once I'm out and on maintenance. 

           I'm exhausted and heavy burdened tonight. Maybe it's that feeling of what I've got to do and my body being tired and worn and ready to be done with this day. I need some good sleep. 

Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 

            Words will not describe the numbness and the fear, but it's there. Words will not describe my thankfulness for each of you, but it's there. It's hard for words to describe Gods grace and love for us, but it's there.  We think and wonder how to explain something, how to figure it all out, how to have all the right answers and certainty, but we can't. There are some things that don't need explaining but that just need faith. "When pain and suffering come upon us, we finally see not only that we are not in control of our lives but that we never were" - Tim Keller. I don't need anyone to explain to me why Dr. Schuchter was chosen for me I just have faith there is purpose. I don't need anyone to explain to me why I got cancer and how, I just have faith that it will be ok. And most importantly I don't need an explanation to why God choose me, why he loves me, or why his grace is overflowing for me, I just have faith that his perfect plan is way more than I can explain. That's the peace I have tonight, maybe the only promise I'm feeling after this long exhausting day, but that's the most important peace anyway. When I shrink my little life up in Gods hands and give him the authority to do with it whatever he can to make good, I'm stepping out onto a crazy scary battlefield and tonight I'm feeling the fight. I know what's coming and it's going to be oh so so tough, but nothing that my army can't get me through and we are all ready. I have come back from weakness now twice, this time I'm going to kick butt too.

Looking on the bright side of things, and I'm always out to find thankfulness in the really hard days, ... We were like 5 min from Nordstrom Rack. We also grabbed a quick bite to eat and I ordered an artichoke for dinner which made me extremely happy.